Sunday Afternoon by William Marsland.

[billy]

Sunday Afternoon.


The garden’s hair
done crew-cut style.
A graceful two-legged boulder
I avalanche grass-ward
arms and legs Vitruviensque
on verdant summer cuttings.

Soil smell and grassy vapours
fuse, hang in windless air.
A beer placed to starboard
out of reach--
Condescending, cool
coalescing.
Crying out to be consumed
its offer spurned.

Squinty eyes espy
a clingy tee-shirt.
It harnesses a wobbly montage.
Cotton, sweat, and double-D.
A lazy browse can’t stop
the drowsy smile from slipping
off to wonderland and semi-clads.

Sprinklers erupt with glee
to chase away all vestige
of a salty dreamy dribble.
Rainbows form and die
as misty droplets
prance and fall.

Itchy cool on Sunday afternoon.

[Larry]

As I'm a novice, I feel weird criticizing you.

I'll do my best....;P

As of right now, I only see a few lines I dislike
"grassy vapours" and
"I avalanche grass-ward"
Now, this is just my preference, but I don't like it when words
Are repeated so close together in a poem. Just disrupts the entire thing for me.


"Sprinklers erupt with glee"
Meh. "with glee" just doesn't do it for me.


"Rainbows form and die
as misty droplets
prance and fall."

Feels a bit awkward... Can't put my finger on why....
I'll come back to this a bit later, but all in all
Great poem! I had difficulty finding fault in it.

[billy]

As I'm a novice, I feel weird criticizing you.

I'll do my best....;P

As of right now, I only see a few lines I dislike
"grassy vapours" and
"I avalanche grass-ward"
Now, this is just my preference, but I don't like it when words
Are repeated so close together in a poem. Just disrupts the entire thing for me.


"Sprinklers erupt with glee"
Meh. "with glee" just doesn't do it for me.


"Rainbows form and die
as misty droplets
prance and fall."

Feels a bit awkward... Can't put my finger on why....
I'll come back to this a bit later, but all in all
Great poem! I had difficulty finding fault in it.

i agree with you on the grassy/grass-ward larry, never noticed it

i'll have a think about the other comments.
and just comment. you did okay btw

thanks for reading and commenting

[addy]

It is very hard to comment. I really like it.

I would perhaps change some of the words on the second stanza. I wouldn't use "fuse" to describe the melding of smells (to me fuse sounds too solid, but that could be just personal preference) and I don't think beer really "coalesces".

Wonderful read as always

[billy]

To be quite honest with you, I like the poem a lot. It's just the word glee. I've seen that word in poems so many times that at this point it's become common...for me at least.
That and grassy vapours but Larry already went over that.

thanks for the feedback Sev. it's always welcome.

i think i can change glee to something less common.
i'll also try and sort out vapours.

@addy.

your right about the beer, i meant the condensation
shouldn't be hard to sort out the fuse.

thanks for the feedback.