Foreigner

[Leanne]

I tried to steal your eyes
and see the world through
dark horizons, scarred impressions
beaten bloody hues
of retrograde rainbows

I could only get
half a handful
but palm to pupil sparked
a tune I could never hope to sing
and my fingers, slick with tears
released and fled

Your world is not mine to enter
but I have never stood
in so beautiful a doorway

[billy]

some good internal rhythms going on leanne, also has some great alliteration on L4, 5, 7, and 8.

the last verse is poignant, i get the feeling it's more a love story of learning than the physical thing. not because of the pupil reference but because of the last verse. i love the the first verse, though retrograde feels to be more personal to the writer than the reader (i think) that said it does add to the poem and the feel of what's being said. maybe an old professor though i doubt it. anyway, i can't fault the writing of the thing, it stands a lone as an extremely well written poem, that has more emotion in it than the reader first assumes. jmo

thanks for the read.

[Wildcard]

I tried to steal your eyes very nice. I was immediately hooked
and see the world through
dark horizons, scarred impressions
beaten bloody hues great image with a kind of backstory built in
of retrograde rainbows

I could only get
half a handful
but palm to pupil sparked
a tune I could never hope to sing feels like you are saying the other perspective is a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't wanna live there(or can't)
and my fingers, slick with tears yeah! <-how's that for descriptive?
released and fled just a suggested but what about 'I fled' kinda sounds like your fingers are fleeding (or is that what you mean to say?)

Your world is not mine to enter so beautiful. I got lost at the end (in a good way) just staring in that doorway
but I have never stood
in so beautiful a doorway

This has got to be my favorite poem of yours so far. I haven't read them all of course

I will 'plagiarize' the last three lines as a stand-alone poem many, many times in the ears of unsuspecting women. I hope you don't mind . . .

[Leanne]

Billy, thank you -- this is quite an old poem of mine, written for a long-ago friend, and I thought I'd trot it out again and see what needed to be done. I'm pleased that it doesn't seem to need that background knowledge to work.

AA, yes, it's the fingers fleeing -- and there is no nobler purpose for poetry than to get you laid, so good luck with it

[Aish]

The final strophe could indeed stand alone - but why deprive the world of such beauty?

[Leanne]

Oh, aren't you sweet? Thanks Aish.

[heslopian]

I tried to steal your eyes
and see the world through
dark horizons, scarred impressions Instead of the comma could you give "scarred impressions" its own line?
beaten bloody hues Is "bloody" needed? Given "scarred" in the previous line I don't think you need the extra adjective to explain what you mean by "beaten".
of retrograde rainbows Love the phrase "retrograde rainbows".

I could only get
half a handful I think you could bring this up a line and create a better rhythm.
but palm to pupil sparked
a tune I could never hope to sing
and my fingers, slick with tears Is the comma needed?
released and fled

Your world is not mine to enter
but I have never stood
in so beautiful a doorway I love this last tercet. It's so succinct and quietly powerful.

Good poem, Leanne. The title matches the piece perfectly and you have some real fluid, imagistic lines.