Ozymandias
#1
I bumped into old Oz to-day -- he seemed a decent bloke.
We shared a pot of tea to-day - thank God he doesn't smoke!
He's big to-day as any day - and he's not far off the ceiling,
Well, he was thirsty, that I'll say -- guzzled quarts of best Darjeeling!

So while he drank, I took a look-- for that look of cold command;
Yet all I saw, was smile on his lips --- a smile and a speck of sand.
So many things, so many things -- a God of the past , who breathed the ancient air!
But he just said: 'Call me Ramses ---- and pass us another eclair!
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#2
(09-08-2011, 08:37 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  I bumped into old Oz to-day -- he seemed a decent bloke.
We shared a pot of tea to-day - thank God he doesn't smoke!
He's big to-day as any day - and he's not far off the ceiling, (I'd kill the "and")
Well, he was thirsty, that I'll say -- guzzled quarts of best Darjeeling! ("guzzled" is a great word but I think you're stuck with a syllable too many. In Australia we use the word "sculled" for the same thing, I don't know if that's a term you have in the UK. Perhaps even "quaffed"?)
So while he drank, I took a look-- for that look of cold command;
Yet all I saw, was smile on his lips --- a smile and a speck of sand.
So many things, so many things -- a God of the past , who breathed the ancient air! (a few too many syllabubbles again -- perhaps "this God breathed ancient air"?)
But he just said: 'Call me Ramses ---- and pass us another eclair!
I do love Ozymandias beyond all reason... and the idea of sitting down to tea and pastries, de-mythologising those two trunkless legs, is very attractive indeed Smile

It could be worse
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#3
An very unique twist on Ozymandias... it's kind of nice imagining him in cozy retirement Smile
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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#4
I just had to read this aloud, and had a rollicking good time doing so...
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#5
(09-20-2011, 10:04 PM)only rob Wrote:  I just had to read this aloud, and had a rollicking good time doing so...

Thanks, Rob -- it was looking a bit lonely there! I was told by several people in Another Place that when read aloud it appealed to children they taught. I don't mean to imply anything....WinkWink
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#6
At first it had an Edward Lear feel to it- I saw those wonderful line drawing illustrations while reading. Then Darjeeling is so Betjemen , and Empire, and , yes, Lear! I stumbled on the rhythm of the penultimate line, but I am sure that is just me. I just love the smugness of Oz in a Lyons Corner House.
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#7
(09-21-2011, 07:50 AM)Ca ne fait rien Wrote:  At first it had an Edward Lear feel to it- I saw those wonderful line drawing illustrations while reading. Then Darjeeling is so Betjemen , and Empire, and , yes, Lear! I stumbled on the rhythm of the penultimate line, but I am sure that is just me. I just love the smugness of Oz in a Lyons Corner House.

I had actually been to the British Museum, and was looking at the great head of Ramesses, which is apparently the one Shelley saw. It did seem as though there was just the faintest hint of a smile, and i wrote this, if memory serves me, in a cafe in Museum St, having some cheese-cake, so in a sense he was with me!

Lear, Betjeman -- oh, yes! I actually like Betjeman-- I remember his very distinctive voice.
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#8
You know this reads like a Trigee - I was challenged to write one once....You can read it as two verses (down the page and down again) or as one whole thing. See my effort......Yes, I know it is very twee - but ignore that and concentrate on the form....see what I mean with your poem?


Giggling kids, having fun................ It's Grandad's Birthday - 7lst
Eating food on the run........ ...........Kids stuffing cake until they burst
They are sick, baby's posseting.......Bedlam, riots and chaos reign
Mums are far too busy gossiping.....Will the house ever be the same?
'It's late, kids should be in bed!'.......Who cares if a little sleep they miss
Granny sighs and shakes her head....Grandad wants his birthday kiss.


(Your verse is 100% better than my load of old rubbish!)
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#9
(09-25-2011, 04:54 AM)grannyjill Wrote:  You know this reads like a Trigee - I was challenged to write one once....You can read it as two verses (down the page and down again) or as one whole thing. See my effort......Yes, I know it is very twee - but ignore that and concentrate on the form....see what I mean with your poem?


Giggling kids, having fun................ It's Grandad's Birthday - 7lst
Eating food on the run........ ...........Kids stuffing cake until they burst
They are sick, baby's posseting.......Bedlam, riots and chaos reign
Mums are far too busy gossiping.....Will the house ever be the same?
'It's late, kids should be in bed!'.......Who cares if a little sleep they miss
Granny sighs and shakes her head....Grandad wants his birthday kiss.


(Your verse is 100% better than my load of old rubbish!)

Yes, thanks, I do see that. I suppose one could just make each half into a separate line, and I am not sure that I could give a sensible reason for not doing so-- perhaps I thought (wrongly) I could cover up the wonky meter.

You should not call your 'effort' old rubbish, it's not good for the soul; anyway, I was firmly on the side of the Grandad Wink
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#10
It could be such a delightful romp if the rhythm was a bit better. I liked Leanne's edits and would add one: the second clause of the last line, "pass us another eclair," the stresses in "another" seem not to match the stresses of the line above it. I have no suggestions because I agree with Leanne that the line above it should also be revised. The poem is certainly good enough to work on and I'm sorry to be so critical.
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#11
(09-25-2011, 12:31 PM)Patrick Traveler Wrote:  It could be such a delightful romp if the rhythm was a bit better. I liked Leanne's edits and would add one: the second clause of the last line, "pass us another eclair," the stresses in "another" seem not to match the stresses of the line above it. I have no suggestions because I agree with Leanne that the line above it should also be revised. The poem is certainly good enough to work on and I'm sorry to be so critical.

You should of course give good, honest ctiticism-- otherwise, the whole purpose is defeated, and we end up with 'Awesome!'

In truth, I think this was, like so much of what I do, born of a good idea, in laziness. I could find a metrical straight-jacket to fit, but it would look v different. Perhaps I should think of an extra line or so, but snappy. I will return!

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