She the Night

[Leanne]

She is seedblown longpause sit and sigh
to underline, not undermine
to redefine

She’ll try
with subtle slaps to empathise
through murky mists most asinine
take tea and scones with Frankenstein,
Dorian and I

Feet once muddied stride across the sky
head bowed, I realise
that she, like swan knight mystic Lohengrin
can never speak of powers near divine
to soothe and salve; her shine
is shaded by innocuous disguise

My sighs and I
to compromise
shall bind her with poetic line
and thus enshrine
(parenthesise)
this punctuated paladin
and idolise
her phrases fine
while she, all elements
centrifuged

becomes white


space

promise

[Todd]

Hi Leanne,

Gorgeous writing! This is so unlike anything I write or possibly could write that I just feel very attached to it. The closest thing it reminds me of in its Cadence (in places) is Crazy Hair by Neal Gaiman.

So taking this where it starts as a personification of the night. Here goes:

She is seedblown longpause sit and sigh--This is one of my favorite lines of yours ever. It works on a lot of levels. So night is a dandelion clock blown empty (seedblown is so lovely) by a lover who sits and sighs. I love the longpause as one word. I like that you can consider this action as a precursor to the stars. It's as if we look up at a stary sky and imaging that the stars were blown out into the darkness like the tiny parasol seeds of a dandelion.
to underline, not undermine
to redefine--like the rhyme and the clipped phrasing. So, to bring an emphasis to the blackness not to detract with their distant light.

She’ll try
with subtle slaps to empathise
through murky mists most asinine
take tea and scones with Frankenstein,
Dorian and I

--this is where it feels like a children's story (Crazy Hair). I wonder how one empathises with subtle slaps. I like the short She'll try line it gives momentum to the rest of the stanza. Perhaps the murky mists are asinine because we resent on some level the inability to see what's before us. I also like the contrast of having a civil discourse wth a mad scientist who creates abominations more human than himself under night's cover and Dorian (I assume Gray) who is also seen through a mucky mist most asinine. I like the rhyme and the sonics throughout. It sounds good to read it aloud.

Feet once muddied stride across the sky--beautiful line. You may not need across. It's more of liking the way it reads without it not that it's a defect
head bowed, I realise
that she, like swan knight mystic Lohengrin
can never speak of powers near divine
to soothe and salve; her shine
is shaded by innocuous disguise

--I love the blending of Lohengrin and the idea that her shine is shaded by innocuous disguise. I like the progression of thought in this stanza. It holds together well

My sighs and I
to compromise
shall bind her with poetic line
and thus enshrine
(parenthesise)
this punctuated paladin
and idolise
her phrases fine
while she, all elements
centrifuged

becomes white


space

promise

I enjoyed how the speaker finally steps out from behind myth and legend and seeks to bind the night as though with a incantation (poetic line). The sighs draw us satisfyingly back to the beginning and the contemplation that brought these thoughts. I love the punctuate and parenthesise parts and that she is ultimately centrifuged (great word) into her opposite (white space). I like your use of space in the breaks and that we are left with the germination of an idea (promise) to be put down on blank paper with the night as the inspiration (the ink in a way) to fill the page.

I really liked this piece Leanne. I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

Incredibly helpful, Todd, thanks so much! I originally wrote this for a poet friend, whose phrases I could never emulate (but then, she couldn't manage mine either, vive la difference!), so the personification is a bit convoluted, the night as a metaphor for a person, then personified itself... ah hell, I've confused myself. Anyway, the original motivation for the poem doesn't really matter, because your reading makes so much sense I'm actually a lot more impressed with my cleverness than I was before Unusually enough, I do quite like this poem -- I generally hate everything I write after looking at it for more than an hour or so.

[billy]

i almost passed this by after reading what it was about then i thought fuck it.

She is seedblown longpause sit and sigh
to underline, not undermine
to redefine
the seedblown longpause is masterful, the title tells us "she' is the night and it helps us see a great image.

She’ll try
with subtle slaps to empathise
through murky mists most asinine
take tea and scones with Frankenstein,
Dorian and I
i love the use of shelly (m) and poe, as companions for her.
and the scone image was one also used in con air though with a different monster. the use here is much more poignant

Feet once muddied stride across the sky i take muddied as being the twilight or dusk and for me it works really well of course it's probably wrong
head bowed, I realise
that she, like swan knight mystic Lohengrin
can never speak of powers near divine
to soothe and salve; her shine
is shaded by innocuous disguise

My sighs and I
to compromise
shall bind her with poetic line
and thus enshrine
(parenthesise)
this punctuated paladin
and idolise
her phrases fine
while she, all elements
centrifuged

becomes white


space

promise

i like the way the 1st person tries to tie the night (her) down and in some way make her last forever. i thought about the use of paladin and at first felt it too connected with Charlemagne but what better to tie the night down and in some way rescue it than a knight.

i also like the format at the end as though night is fading and dawn is arriving,

i really can't fault it leanne. to do so would make me look crasser (is that a word) than i already am .

great read.

[Leanne]

Many thanks, Billy (if it's not a word it ought to be)... I'm still not convinced I should bother watching Con Air though :p

[abu nuwas]

It is always a relief to find something actually enjoyable, no matter that it may be a little wrapped in mystery. Primarily, I simply felt the sounds were good, meaning be blowed. That in turn is partly because you have already recorded your voice, and so, however inaccurately, I have an idea of how you might say it, with deliberate enunciation of the words, yet not so slowly that meter, where it matters, disappears.

In case anyone should not be familiar with Lohengrin and the Swan -- and what a sight to see on stage--- here is the Prelude to Act III :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InPRlxxOpOc

Todd is, as people dopily say, 'too good for his own good' as a critic, and I don't think I can add any useful insights-- but of course I can detract! You have a grammar problem which is handily unfixable, I think, as it should be 'Dorian and me'. I would not lose any sleep over it.

[Leanne]

I know, dammit... but "me" ruins the rhyme and assonance... is that a good enough reason to break the rules of grammatical perfection? Not really. Unless I shift it a bit and go with "take scones and tea" instead? I am definitely considering. It's not enough to hope nobody notices

Thank you, Edward. I should probably record this at some point.

[abu nuwas]

If you stuck 'me' in, half the world would think you ungrammatical. Best to think it either (a) using descriptive grammar; or (b) poetic licence. After all, Shakespeare and the Authorised Version are full of slips: even the Creed! 'From whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead'. From is prolix at best, ungrammatical at worst -- but it does have a good ring! And so does yours!

[Leanne]

We'll see then... perhaps I should run a poll? There just aren't enough polls about trivialities here...

[Todd]

My poll answer: keep it. yes me is correct but I like the try/I rhyme. I'm sure I'm simply advocating the next generation of Winston tastes good like a cigarette should.

[only rob]

As you know, I'm eminently unqualified to render substantive critique of such fine work. In this era of Dick and Jane prose, chopped up by silly line breaks, poetry that sings to be read again aloud, and yet again to gain missed nuance is rare enough to take one's breath away when encountered. This is such. I'm going to start recording some poems with flute, drums, etc. You can be sure that reading you again makes me braver yet to use rhyme, alliteration, unabashedly in this time of poetry devoid of device. I still want to write like you when I grow up, and I'm happy that Abu guided me here.

Rob

[Leanne]

Rob, what a pleasure it is to see you here! We all need to be surrounded by people who'll insist we push the boundaries and don't let us rest on our laurels (if only!) -- you'll find those types here. One day, perhaps, I must write a Dick and Jane prose piece for the New Yorker, be showered with accolades and have my garbage taught in primary schools like the great BC, but for now I must content myself with actually discovering more possibilities Thanks for your kind words, and I'm very much looking forward to reading your poems.

[heslopian]

At first I thought the syntax seemed jumbled. But after a false start I began to fall in love with the eccentric rhythm of the piece. Like metered verse a brisk reading pace is needed to fully reap the benefits of its construction. The third verse is my favourite; it's utterly perfect in how it encourages the reader to transcend and for a moment be coddled by the fantasy. My only suggestion is that you make the last three lines one verse, like so:

"becomes white space
promise"

I don't think we need to physically see the white space, and the trick is kind of gimmicky in an otherwise elegant design.

[Leanne]

Thanks Jack.

You'll notice that I don't use a lot of white space in my poetry... I generally save it up for when I think it's important, and I kind of think it's important there. Yes, it references itself, but then so does the whole poem As to the syntax, rules are for breaking, I'm sure you know that well

[ICSoria]

We'll see then... perhaps I should run a poll? There just aren't enough polls about trivialities here...

Leanne,
I think abu nuwas already summed up best why you should leave it as is and I agree. I absolutely love everything about this so please keep it.

Sid

[Leanne]

Why thank you, Sid... I'd blush but I think my mechanism is faulty

[Aish]

Sometimes I really hate being late to the party because all the good crit has already been used.

It's lovely, Leanne.

Todd, I think Gaiman is an amazing storyteller, both in his novels and his movies.

[just mercedes]

I like the play with sounds here, and the smooth flow that carries your reader effortlessly. I liked this read aloud, and I like the line-breaks working with breath as well as sense. I did pause at the ungrammatical 'I' but for some reason that felt right, as well. Kudos Leanne, I think your work in free verse is wonderful.

[Leanne]

Right back atcha, ma'am.

I really need to write more of it these days, I'm getting bogged down in form again