Wildflowers line up in the meadow: (content)

[billy]

They're supposed to dance
not line up like corn stalks.
The fuckers just stand there
swaying; swayee things
that fucking sway while standing

Wildflower meadows and shags
I picked her a purpley one
to match her nipples
big cunts they were, and purple
her nipples on the other hand
were purple, and small, and very pretty

Wildflower meadows remind me
of poetry and a little girl's dead body
I once did a poem about. She stunk
like a dead cat that was dead for days.
I found her. At first I thought
she was playing, till I saw an earwig
crawl out from between her purple lips.

Wildflower meadow; where
I threw me mum's ashes. She told me
to put 'em in the bin, but it was full
so I took em down the field,
the flowery field with a purple girl
and 'orrible earwigs, crawling
out of purple lips.

1st edit based on Todd's feedback (not including the earwiggies which i'm still pondering), and wildflower instead of wild flower after reading jenaka's reply. thanks guys.

---

Original
They're supposed to dance
not line up like corn stems.
The fuckers just stand there
swaying; swayee things
that fucking sway while standing

Wild flower meadows and shags
i picked her a purpley one
to match her nipples
big cunts they were, and purple
her nipples on the other hand
were purple, and small, and very pretty

Wild flower meadows remind me
of poetry and a little girls dead body
i once did a poem about. She stunk
like a dead cat that was dead for days.
I found her. At first i thought
she was playing, till i saw an earwig
crawl out from between her purple lips.

Wild flower meadow; where
i threw me mums ashes. She told me
to put 'em in the bin, but it was full
so i took em down the field,
the flowery field with a purple girl
and 'orrible earwigs, crawling
out of purple lips.

[Todd]

I love this one Billy. Here are some comments for you:

They're supposed to dance
not line up like corn stems.--like this a lot. Should this be stalks instead of stems
The fuckers just stand there
swaying; swayee things--I have mixed feelings about swayee it works with the tone and it's okay. I keep wanting a substitute though (could just be me)
that fucking sway while standing--again love the tone of this all

Wild flower meadows and shags
i picked her a purpley one--like these lines. I'm not a fan of lowercase i's.
to match her nipples--unexpected line but good
big cunts they were, and purple--like the break. The comparison is believable with wild flowers
her nipples on the other hand
were purple, and small, and very pretty

Wild flower meadows remind me
of poetry and a little girls dead body--apostrophe for girl's. This is where the poem takes off for me. Again this has elements that just jump out at you (a lot of surprising things in the piece)
i once did a poem about. She stunk--Again great break. I don't need to say anymore on the i (only that you use capitals also so it makes the reader think why)
like a dead cat that was dead for days.[/b]--can you smooth this out without the double use of dead?[/b]
I found her. At first i thought
she was playing, till i saw an earwig--nice level of disgust and I like the thought that she was playing because it's too terrible to think of her being dead.
crawl out from between her purple lips.--and purple forms the link between life and death (very nice) I probably would leave the link though for the next strophe and stop this strophe on "she was playing, til I saw an earwig"

Wild flower meadow; where
i threw me mums ashes. She told me--mum's. Good line
to put 'em in the bin, but it was full
so i took em down the field,
the flowery field with a purple girl--love, love, love this. I like that we now understand where the associatioin with death comes from.
and 'orrible earwigs, crawling
out of purple lips.--This just seem much more powerful if this is the first instance of the crawling out of the lips (oh and I like 'orrible).

Really cool poem Billy.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

i must have been having an (i forgot his name) moment, ee cum i think
i'll sort the I out; i did it in note book and it doesn't pick up on spelling mistakes and bad grammar
so thanks for that.
i can use stalks it is better.

i could change the earwig instances over (which i'll have a think about) but i don't really want to put one of them as
the beginning of a verse as it not the wild flower rep thing out of kilter. i'll implement the rest of your suggestions some time today
thanks for taking the time to read and critique Todd.

[ICSoria]

Billy,
IMHO some of your poetry is like passing a serious car wreck...before you jump on me for indiscriminately tossing out an insulting barb, let me qualify by adding: It's the kind that shocks at first glance and although I initially tell myself to turn away, I keep watching while slowly driving by--even going back for another look, just to make sure I didn't miss an important bloody detail. I have never been one to use "fucking" adjectives quite so freely and that is probably the one thing that most often caused me to miss a lot of otherwise decent poetry. My own mom would have been shocked beyond belief. I prefer to use euphemisms in my own writing but that is just me (not that I haven't cussed with the best of them, I just do not do it in mixed company). Having said all that. I was really struck by the power in this piece. Harsh words notwithstanding, I was riveted. I agree with all the suggestions made by Todd except for the earwig parts--I think they are very well done as written because the second mention simply emphasizes that part of the entire horrible experience you have described.
Thank you for posting,

...oh, and...I really cannot think of a better adjective for fucking in this case, as the entire piece is based on a sort of shock and awe delivery.

Sid

[billy]

youhoo and high

i know this will sound pathetic but i stole the dialectic style from
Kipling's gunga din. i'll see about using it throughout and i like the idea of wildflower
my spell checker said it was wrong (it's an english one) but i do like it as a whole word so i'll change that now.

thanks for the feedback

[Wildcard]

Billy I really love this. I wonder at how you were inspired to write this, but attribute it to an awesome imagination. (I hope you didn't find a dead girl!)

I am not critiquing, but I am gonna vote for Todd's idea about taking the early reference to 'crawling out of her purple mouth' out and waiting to the end to drop the bomb. I mean to suggest leaving the earwig in, but not explaining till the end. The suspense of the poem is already great, but I think drawing it out a little longer might be nice.

Overall, I love it and wish I could write like this. It reminds me of the free way Stephen King writes ficition. And I don't mean that as insult. That's apples to oranges so I hope you get my meaning.

[billy]

thanks for the kid words AA, i did a poem about a wildflower meadow a long time ago which was along similar lines.
and your correct, there was no real body, just a real meadow.
on the earwig point, i gave it a hard thought and decided that for me it's integral to the verse. thanks for your feedback,
and for making me think about the poem.

[LaGitana]

I loved this from a train wreck point of view... yes the shock and awe that they refer to from above... nothing like making a statement! However, and it may just be me, but I was looking for just a bit something more. Like your " 'orrible" and "mum" tone... it seems that there should be a bit more of that laced through out. Those stand out like a vivid goose to the ass, but should you also have a honk to the chesters as well?

I think you've addressed the relative grammar, etc. issues already from the more sensible critics....

I'll say WELL DONE!

[Aish]

Is the final strophe all that necessary? It seems like a little bit of erroneous information, but that could just be me.

[billy]

me mum's ashes "she said, when i die, just bung me ashes in the bin."
any other ashes i'd just throw on the garden. me mu was the reason i went (not e personally of course)

I probably need to have a go at making it clearer, thanks Aish and lagitana for the feedback