Madness

[heslopian]

"I'm on my way to the promised land." - AC/DC

The walls are beige and the lockers are blue.
The linoleum floors are spotted with gum,
like tiny black holes. The strip lights
fill the halls with gloom, as though in each room
a still unclaimed corpse
waits among the books and chairs.

A young man shoots a teacher's aide
when she appears bearing files.
She lies in scattered paper like a bud.
He steps into the library and
blows the prom queen's head clean off.
Her brains decorate an English textbook
with Romeo on the cover.
Loud noises and death.
Loud noises and death.

Madness is like crossing a bridge.
I think about these massacres,
from the land of guns and meat,
and how straightforward they must be.
When a psychopath does
what a psychopath does
his cheeks don't flame with Greek passion.
He's crossed the bridge, he's walking through
the greying grass on its far side.

[Todd]

Jack,

There's a lot of this I really like (the repetition of loud noises and death, madness as a bridge, she lies in scattered paper like a bud, the greying grass, etc).

If I were to offer any suggestion it would be to move S3 L1 to the opening line of the piece...it would give the poem some symmetry when you talk about the psychopath having crossed the bridge later. You also may not need "and how straightforward they must be" though I'm not passionate about that advice it's just an aside.

This has some very fine writing in it.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

"I'm on my way to the promised land." - AC/DC

The walls are beige and the lockers are blue.
The linoleum floors are spotted with gum,
like tiny black holes. The strip lights
fill the halls with gloom, as though in each room
a still unclaimed corpse this line can work on a couple of leveles, i like it
waits among the books and chairs.

A young man shoots a teacher's aide
when she appears bearing files.
She lies in scattered paper like a bud. great image.
He steps into the library and
blows the prom queen's head clean off.
Her brains decorate an English textbook
with Romeo on the cover.
Loud noises and death.
Loud noises and death. good repetition

Madness is like crossing a bridge. i'm with todd on this, it would be a great opener, though i wouldn't have thought of it on my own.
I think about these massacres,
from the land of guns and meat,
and how straightforward they must be.
When a psychopath does
what a psychopath does
his cheeks don't flame with Greek passion.
He's crossed the bridge, he's walking through
the greying grass on its far side.

lot's to like about it jack. some good images. i think i remember the incident where a standin was shot carrying file. if i had a nit it would be to get rid of some of the small words that don't add anything.;the 2nd are in L,1, the in L3, Her on L6 of the 2nd verse. (without it the the phrase works on two levels.

thanks for the read

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback Bilbo