A Case of Subduing a Woman’s Body (revision)

[Todd]

Revision

Must she peel back the starless night
to wrap herself in its emptiness
with no pinprick of light allowed entrance?


if gazes linger,
if fever shapes the shapeless,
if eyes etch the form,

is it the fault of the cooked rib,
or failure to follow the command
to beat her?

By the rod, by the stripes of the lash
back into obscurity
to pass silent in the sky, a darkened moon?


if there is no tongue to speak,
no unmarked back to ease this burden,
then the offense is our own.


From blighted root to blighted leaf
all voices are Awrah,
all remain naked.

Original

for Lubna al Hussein



Must she peel back the starless night,

and wrap herself within its emptiness

with no pinprick of light allowed entrance.


if the gazes linger,

if the fever shapes the shapeless,

if the eyes etch the form,



must her body be subdued by the lash?

Can she be beaten back into obscurity

to pass silent in the sky,

a darkened moon without a voice?



if there is no tongue to speak,

no unmarked backs to ease this burden,

Then the offense against heaven is our own.


And all voices are Awrah,

and all are naked.


[billy]

i'll give some feedback later on this Todd. i did notice the line;

must her body be subdued by the lash?

if i remember correctly she got a small fine and chose not to pay. which on the face of it, takes a lot of the poems strength away.
seeing as she's not the martyr as portrayed in the poem. a remedy would be to alter the title making it non specific.( the 'for Lubna al Hussein

' part) many women were lashed for wearing trousers as it impugned the males manhood.

for Lubna al Hussein



Must she peel back the starless night,

and wrap herself within its emptiness

with no pinprick of light allowed entrance. good allusion and image (i think)
i like this in relation to the crime of wearing pants instead of traditional female attire.


if the gazes linger,

if the fever shapes the shapeless,

if the eyes etch the form,

 for me the 'the's' weaken this verse

must her body be subdued by the lash? for me it would read better as 'they' instead of 'she' and with the other instances of she throughout the poem.

Can she be beaten back into obscurity

to pass silent in the sky,

a darkened moon without a voice?



if there is no tongue to speak,

no unmarked backs to ease this burden,

Then the offense against heaven is our own.
 (offence)for me, against heaven makes it to christian oriented)

And all voices are Awrah,

and all are naked. is and needed, i like the closing. just because our bodies are covered doesn't mean we're clothed.

i think it good poem that runs with the human right vein from top to bottom. i would ihave loved to have seen some darker, harsher imagery though. for me it was a good poem that has room to be improved. jmo

thanks for the read as always Todd.

[Todd]

Thanks for the comments Billy. This was one of the flawed poems I spoke abou. I wrote this before the sentence was passed and I can make some changes to the piece certainly. Your point is well made. I'll also consider the changes you suggest as well as darker imagery.

Best,

Todd

---

Well, this was a very raw first draft that I didn't plan on editing because I wasn't sure I liked this enough. I made some quick edits based on your comments and where they took me. I doubt this is the final revision. I hadn't looked at the poem since the news reports of her case first surfaced, so I have enough distance to make some changes. At this point I don't want to change to plural they. I still want one woman as representative. I fully agree on the heaven comment (paradise and garden images didn't hold the force so I reworked the line. Offense is another one of those US/UK differences. The darker imagery was harder. I added a little. I want to avoid graphic excesses. I'm going for more of the quiet complicit side with this piece though clearly you could go in many different (and probably better) directions with the piece.

---

[billy]

excellent edit todd.
removing the name works really well. and looking at it the she and her instead of they do work,
the last line works better for me as well.

as for it being "one of those flawed poems" i thought it was pretty good even before the edit

[Todd]

Thanks Billy, i guess I'll go deeper into the flawed pile.