Death by Shaving:

[billy]

1st edit. on an idea purloined and altered from Todd's feedback.

Upward, Mister cut-throat
slides stealthy, shearing soap
and sprout, colouring concave
silver in snow-cone white.
The dead neck
screams red

The cut of clichéd steel.
Cold, hard, hair-splitting sharp.
bristles , brilliant bristles
follically fulsome, facing forward

Original

The cut of clichéd steel.
Cold, hard, hair-splitting sharp.
bristles , brilliant bristles
follically fulsome, facing forward
and upward. Mister cut-throat
slides stealthy, shearing soap
and sprout, colouring concave
silver in snow-cone white.
The dead neck
screams red

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

Love the title.

The first line is good but I don't think it truly is cliched steel unless you put cold before cliched. That said, not sure how necessary that is my true preference would be that you cut cold and just keep the two H modifiers on L2. I do like hair-splitting sharp. I like the repetition of bristles and the alliteration.

In L4 and this could just be me, the rapid f alliteration gives a light tone and while we know that this isn't a serious death, it may hurt your tone even though the words themselves are fine. You'll have to say whether that's the case.

Now, here's my main comment. I think you have a poem inside a poem. Everything from Mister cut-throat to the end is brilliant. I absolutely love the last two lines. I would be tempted to rework that as the full poem. It's tight, powerful writing that starts of running from the title with no buildup.

Just my opinion of course.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

i thought about your feedback Todd. and i agree with your main comment to an extent, well fully actually but i want to try a different tack first. as always thanks for the feedback. i think it crucial

[addy]

Switching it up worked really well... it makes for a really strong opening and continues to be riveting.

Not sure about the ending line though, seems an oddly benign observation to end on. But other than that, it's pretty cleverly done.

[Leanne]

I definitely agree that second-verse-first works better -- and since I'm in an agreeing sort of mood, I'm also with addy on the oddness of the last line and I'd be tempted to try out:

Cold, hard, hair-splitting sharp.
bristles , brilliant bristles
follically fulsome, facing forward:
The cut of clichéd steel.

[billy]

i like it.
i'll think about on the work run

thanks for the feedback addy and leanne