The only shelter is my mind

[ckeo]

I fear this days page in my journal will remain empty
cant think of anything to believe in
A wave of conformity swept across the nation
it duck dived under me

My shelter cant weather this storm, I dont understand
the walls come crashing down where the sky erupted
as I lay beneath the rubble bruised but not beaten
I open my eyes and see a tarp above me

I think to myself, thank god.. No, I'm not homeless!
I cant comprehend why people think I should feel heartache
A long time ago, in my mind I built a fortress
it towers so high and the walls are strong to protect me

I live to appreciate the simple things in life
I dont need shiny things for comfort or security
welling away is the only thing you can do
as I retreat to my fortress.. nothing left to lose.

[billy]

for me this is a big improvement.
the 1st verse is my favourite, there's a thought, an image and a continuity that helps the reader. nicely done.

the 2nd..beware of cliché, crashing walls is a fairly common one. an odd cliche that slip through can be okay but best to try and not use any if you can. other than that it works
not sure about 1st line of the 3rd verse . the ! should come right after the word! and not like this ! i struggled a little with it. the rest of the verse was fine though it could be made a little tighter.

the last verse feels okay though i'm sure about welling away.

seriously CK this for me is a fantastic improvement, think about the grammar and look out for repetition.
well done and thanks for the read.

[ckeo]

for me this is a big improvement.
the 1st verse is my favourite, there's a thought, an image and a continuity that helps the reader. nicely done.

the 2nd..beware of cliché, crashing walls is a fairly common one. an odd cliche that slip through can be okay but best to try and not use any if you can. other than that it works
not sure about 1st line of the 3rd verse . the ! should come right after the word! and not like this ! i struggled a little with it. the rest of the verse was fine though it could be made a little tighter.

the last verse feels okay though i'm sure about welling away.

seriously CK this for me is a fantastic improvement, think about the grammar and look out for repetition.
well done and thanks for the read.

Thank you... heh... I was sweating before I submitted that.
I'll fix the: ! and i will try to tighten it up... that part was a little tough. Thanks for you help !

[billy]

if you want to know anything or just need a little help or advice. ask. we were all beginners once

[Todd]

Hi Craig,

I didn't see the earlier revision but let me give you some comments:

Something else to think about while we all get some line that we start writing from, it may not be the most interesting opening line. You want to draw the reader in which makes your first line very important. Looking at your first verse I might rearrange it this way for impact.

A wave of conformity swept across the nation
cant think of anything to believe in
I fear this days page in my journal will remain empty
it duck dived under me

The wave line is your strongest imo. You also could probably cut across if you wanted.

Just something to consider.

Best,

Todd

I fear this days page in my journal will remain empty
cant think of anything to believe in
A wave of conformity swept across the nation
it duck dived under me

My shelter cant weather this storm, I dont understand
the walls come crashing down where the sky erupted
as I lay beneath the rubble bruised but not beaten
I open my eyes and see a tarp above me

I think to myself, thank god.. No, I'm not homeless!
I cant comprehend why people think I should feel heartache
A long time ago, in my mind I built a fortress
it towers so high and the walls are strong to protect me

I live to appreciate the simple things in life
I dont need shiny things for comfort or security
welling away is the only thing you can do
as I retreat to my fortress.. nothing left to lose.

[ICSoria]

I think Todd made a valid point. That first line seemed rather long and out of place. I know you are not going for a strict meter in this but meter is exactly what always seems to draw me to any poetry, even free verse. Since the meter in this seems to wander somewhat, I am mainly wondering, why even bother with the regular line-breaks? Not being critical, just wondering—I can always stand to learn something—and I believe the overall piece still has a good metric feel to it, enough to hold a reader’s interest. That (holding a reader's interest), should be the primary goal of any write.
Thanks for posting,

Sid

[ckeo]

Hi Craig,

I didn't see the earlier revision but let me give you some comments:

Something else to think about while we all get some line that we start writing from, it may not be the most interesting opening line. You want to draw the reader in which makes your first line very important. Looking at your first verse I might rearrange it this way for impact.

A wave of conformity swept across the nation
cant think of anything to believe in
I fear this days page in my journal will remain empty
it duck dived under me

The wave line is your strongest imo. You also could probably cut across if you wanted.

Just something to consider.

Best,

Todd

I fear this days page in my journal will remain empty
cant think of anything to believe in
A wave of conformity swept across the nation
it duck dived under me

My shelter cant weather this storm, I dont understand
the walls come crashing down where the sky erupted
as I lay beneath the rubble bruised but not beaten
I open my eyes and see a tarp above me

I think to myself, thank god.. No, I'm not homeless!
I cant comprehend why people think I should feel heartache
A long time ago, in my mind I built a fortress
it towers so high and the walls are strong to protect me

I live to appreciate the simple things in life
I dont need shiny things for comfort or security
welling away is the only thing you can do
as I retreat to my fortress.. nothing left to lose.

Thank you Todd, I will give it some thought... I didnt write those lines... they popped in my head as I was walking home... I dont know where they came from, but I will give your idea some thought.

*There was no earlier revision... I just merely corrected the exclamation point.

---

I think Todd made a valid point. That first line seemed rather long and out of place. I know you are not going for a strict meter in this but meter is exactly what always seems to draw me to any poetry, even free verse. Since the meter in this seems to wander somewhat, I am mainly wondering, why even bother with the regular line-breaks? Not being critical, just wondering—I can always stand to learn something—and I believe the overall piece still has a good metric feel to it, enough to hold a reader’s interest. That (holding a reader's interest), should be the primary goal of any write.
Thanks for posting,

Sid

Hi, Thanks for reading... I know nothing about meter :/ it is something I have to study and learn.

As for the line breaks... I have a really short attention span... I could not read it written as a wall-o-text with any comprehension... could also explain the wandering meter.

I just need more practice.

---

Was thinking the title and first line needs to be switched.... thoughts ?

"I fear this days page in my journal will remain empty"

A wave of conformity swept the nation
cant think of anything to believe in
my mind, the only shelter
it duck dived under me

[billy]

i think the title works as is craig

[Todd]

The title is good.