A woman's Love Of Drink?

[billy]

Are women prone to drink full bodied white,
in silent thought behind a veil of good?
Do sips of red Shiraz betray like blood,
or merely compensate if life is slight?
Is drinking wine a pleasure or a blight,
for housebound wives so seldom understood--
and what of pride in men of stone and mud;
is there a time when they should be upright?

An empty glass does not denote she's sunk;
as ladies heavy with the scotch or port
can often hold their liquor like a can.
A female functions cooler when she's drunk;
as any chap a little out of sorts,
will tell you that his wife's a better man.

---

i changed the meter on L, 6 (just to let you know i did it from choice )

[Leanne]

On L6? Are you sure? It reads in lovely IP the whole way through to me -- though I'm still getting used to your rhyming of mud/good etc (don't change it though, it's wonderful, just funny ).

I don't even bother with a veil of good, I fear...

I really like this, Billy, it's not just humorous, it's quite contemplative -- which is the best kind of humour, that which overlays a social commentary of some sort. And form-wise, it really is perfect.

[billy]

thanks Leane for taking the time to go through it and for the kind feedback. it took me a couple of hours to do (or more) and to be honest i struggled with it.

i thought;
for housebound wives was a different set of feet than an iamb bugger, i thought i was being clever

[Leanne]

for HOUSE/ bound WIVES/ so SEL/dom UN/derSTOOD

the breaks don't fall at the ends of words, always just count the hard stresses. There are five here, and they fall in the right pattern.

[billy]

right. i scanned it as;
for HOUSE/BOUND WIVES/ i'm sorry i mentioned it cos now i look like a yerk.

in that case i have to say i knew it was iambic all the way through

[heslopian]

This reads like the routine of a comedian in a working men's club pushed through the mangle of classical poetry. It's Shakespeare and Les Dawson rolled into one. It doesn't whine about love lost among the swaying roses and how the hills of yorkshire contain the soul of Earnshaw. It's gritty. Yet also disciplined. I like it.

[ICSoria]

I don't think you should feel all that yerky on this point because this particular word has only a slight difference in stress between the two syllables. In my mind, this is a positive thing as it adds a bit of modulation to what can easily become a tedious read, which Iambic is often prone to become. As a Petrarchan Sonnet, this works. I like the way you summed up your point in the sestet.

right. i scanned it as;
for HOUSE/BOUND WIVES/ i'm sorry i mentioned it cos now i look like a yerk.

in that case i have to say i knew it was iambic all the way through

[billy]

i feel better already

thanks for taking the time to read and leave feedback sid.

[Aish]

After years of working professionally I am currently a stay-at-home mom, and let me just say, some days I feel so stagnant I could embark on a three state crime and fucking spree. I ADORE my nightly glass of merlot.

[can often hold their liquor like a can] A can? This is the low spot for me. No likee. Images of garbage cans.

Cheers!

[billy]

thanks for the feedback Aish. i was thinking beer can,
i can see how garbage cane would make you feel that way.

[heslopian]

The second stanza is the best. It blends semi-naturalistic speech with classical form perfectly. This line was my favourite: "can often hold their liquor like a can." An excellent simile.
The first stanza is good, though sometimes it seems as though cohesion has been sacrificed slightly in favour of the meter and rhyme. For instance, I'm not quite sure what these lines mean:

"Do sips of red Shiraz betray like blood,
or merely compensate if life is slight?"

How does blood "betray." I think I understand how Shiraz might "compensate." If life is boring it makes it more interesting?
That said, the first stanza also has a few great lines, such as: "and what of pride in men of stone and mud." That reads as though it could have been lifted straight from a pre-20th century poem.
Thanks for the read Bilbo

[billy]

often in fits of depression people slit their wrists and bleed out hehe
the sensible depressives resort to booze, in a way they're bleeding out in a different way or if they're not depressed many use booze as a substitute to combat the mundanity of looking after a man and 3 kids etc.

thanks for the good feedback jack it's appreciated.

[critical mass]

Billy

I liked this a lot. Can't comment on the meter.
I hear different stresses, but I hear them the same in every line so I read it smoothly.

Are women prone to drink full bodied white,
**** like the visuals and the contrast between wine and women, very creative.

in silent thought behind a veil of good?
**** Don't like silent with thought, I think it is a given.
Do like veil of good.

Do sips of red Shiraz betray like blood,
or merely compensate if life is slight?
**** I do like betray like blood. Being liquored up may show some bleeding
that is otherwise hidden.


Is drinking wine a pleasure or a blight,
**** must be a better opposing word for blight.

for housebound wives so seldom understood--

and what of pride in men of stone and mud;
is there a time when they should be upright?
**** This made me chuckle.

An empty glass does not denote she's sunk;
as ladies heavy with the scotch or port
can often hold their liquor like a can.
A female functions cooler when she's drunk;
as any chap a little out of sorts,
will tell you that his wife's a better man.

The last part reads well to me. I do like the can line.


Not trying to be over critical.
Enjoyed the read.

David

[billy]

you can't be over critical in the serious crit forum
will think about what you said,

thanks for the feedback