Stone (a terzanelle)

[Leanne]

Revision 26/7/11

I am a peach with poison seed.
You stroke my skin and think me warm --
I’m death to every mouth I feed.

Beneath the surface, insects swarm
and seek to break this fleshy cage;
you stroke my skin and think me warm

but what you feel is buzzing rage
that stings me as I cry, I cry
and seek to break this fleshy cage.

Inside the seed is dry, so dry,
and cold enough to numb the thought
that stings me as I cry. I cry

for summers buried, children caught
with icecream dreams, remembered sweets
and cold -- enough to numb the thought.

A last embrace for he who eats:
I am a peach with poison seed,
with icecream dreams, remembered sweets,
I’m death to every mouth I feed.


Original 24/7/11

I am the peach, with poison seed.
You stroke my skin and think me warm --
I’m death to every mouth I feed.

Beneath the surface, insects swarm
and seek to break this fleshy cage;
you stroke my skin and think me warm

but what you feel is buzzing rage
that stings me as I cry, I cry
and seek to break this fleshy cage.

Inside the seed is dry, so dry,
and cold enough to numb the thought
that stings me as I cry. I cry

for summers buried, children caught
with icecream dreams, remembered sweets
and cold -- enough to numb the thought.

A last embrace for he who eats:
I am the peach, with poison seed,
with icecream dreams, remembered sweets,
I’m death to every mouth I feed.

[billy]

well all i know is it's got the right number of lines. i did look up the rhyme scheme and that's spot on as well
perfect iambic tetrameter as far as i can tell.
i like the dry dry cry cry rep you have going on, i like that you called it stone and not peach.
the poem for me is perfect in it's execution. and it's also a good read. i can't be more constructive as i can't fault it.
content wise...you'd have to eat a fair few but yes they certainly contain cyanide.

thanks for the read

[Aish]

I have to agree with Billy. Your details are lovely. The only thing missing is scent.

[Leanne]

Thanks Aish... it's weird where form takes you sometimes. This is the second of these I've written -- the first, many years ago, was an unmitigated disaster so I've avoided them, but for some reason a villanelle didn't seem enough of a torture for me yesterday

[critical mass]

for some reason a villanelle didn't seem enough of a torture for me yesterday

You wrote this in 1 day. I'm jealous.
Sometimes I work on 1 stanza or 1 line a day..
Better keep my day job.


Really like this. A lot to digest.
Form is hard for me, for me.

I copied and pasted, will give some fuzz later.

David

---

Leanne.

Got this quote on line.

The terzanelle is a good form
for the recovering obsessive-compulsive
who has been able to put down the villanelle
without hurting themselves


Hhhmmmmmm.

Here's my fuzz on this.


I am the peach, with poison seed.

This line stopped me. I wondered
if there was a peach that didn't have a poison seed.
I think inside/beneath a stone/pit /and peach would work better
in the title. Rewriting the first line to not describe
what the poem is about may work on another level also.


You stroke my skin and think me warm --
I’m death to every mouth I feed.

Beneath the surface, insects swarm
*****this is third person I think.(my)

you stroke my skin and think me warm

but what you feel is buzzing rage
***** what (I) feel. Not sure here if you are eluding to the cyanide
feeling or the opening of the pit. It does work tho.

that stings me as I cry, I cry
and seek to break this fleshy cage.

Inside the seed is dry, so dry,
and cold enough to numb the thought
that stings me as I cry. I cry

****liked this reminds ..me of dry ice. Maybe that's how cyanide feels.

for summers buried, children caught
with icecream dreams, remembered sweets
and cold -- enough to numb the thought.

****This stanza really sticks out. It's my favorite. Very poetic.

A last embrace for he who eats:
I am the peach, with poison seed,
with icecream dreams, remembered sweets,
I’m death to every mouth I feed.

Like I said earlier. I liked this a lot.
I think the third person to first person jump is slightly jarring
but these things read so quickly it's hard to pick up
on it unless you read it several times. jmo

I've wanted to try these things but I haven't written
a mediocre vilanelle yet.


Thanks for the read.

David

[Todd]

What I tend to look for in poems with refrains is if they have a momentum to them. Too often I've seen these poems be like static photographs rather than movies (if that makes sense). I think you have the sense of what I look for. I especially see it in the misapprehension of warmth that those who hold the peach have. The responses of I am death, or it's rage you idiot (paraphraze ) make this really come to life.

One very minor nit (unless this is another different country different way of doing it thing) I think ice cream is two words.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

I think the third person to first person jump is slightly jarring

I'm not at all sure what you mean here, David -- I intended the entire thing as a first-person-speaker address to a second "you" and don't really see a departure from that, unless you mean using "the skin" instead of "my skin"?

Also, of course every peach has cyanide in the seed, but I don't really read the first line as "I am the only peach with a poison seed" -- to me it's no different to saying "I am the girl with long blonde hair". I can't imagine what else I'd use as an opening line -- I don't want people to have to guess at both the metaphor and what's being alluded to in the metaphor.

And are you saying you think the title is wrong?

I don't want to seem defensive, I just genuinely don't understand a lot of your criticisms and would like to be able to see from your perspective.

[critical mass]

Leanne

I'm sorry if my critique of your poem (not criticisms of your
writing ability) upset you. I pointed out the things (I) read. do not make assumptions about the poet/admin billy

You have me surrounded.

I'll try this again, in more depth, from my perspective.


Getting all the lines to in these make sense is pretty tough to do.
I did state that I liked this and was jealous that you
wrote this in 1 day. I also pointed out the verse I liked the most.
Not many of these carry well all the way through.
It's the nature of the poem.



Stone

****Immediately I think of a rock. After reading the poem I realize
you never do mention the stone or pit. You do mention what is inside
----the seeds. It's a one word title that doesn't get referenced in the poem.
So the title doesn't help much in the meaning. I think it means
Cold, heart, or womb. That is why I mention the title.


I am the peach, with poison seed.

**** I have kids and know all about peach seeds. I wondered if
there was a peach that didn't have seeds that were poisonous.
That's why it stopped me.
Also I thought this was like saying I am the peach with peachy things,
or I am the only peach with peachy things. Sorry but that is how I
read it.

I disagree with your blonde analogy on this. A single word changes
the view of it.

"I am the girl with long blonde hair".... The only one in the room.
The description singles her out.

"I am a girl with long blonde hair' One of possibly many in the room, she
has some commonality with others.

Are you THE peach with poison seed?
or A peach with poison seed?

If you were singling yourself out, I am the only one, then so be it.

I think this was a fair assessment, and a small tweak.


****Rewriting the first line to not describe
what the poem is about may work on another level also.

This may have been a poorly written comment. It seemed you set up the story with this line, that is what I meant. "I'm death to every mouth I feed" has more of a hook and is a little more mysterious.
I WILL apologize for this stupid comment.


You stroke my skin and think me warm --
I’m death to every mouth I feed.


**** I thought you changed the view in this stanza. I wasn't sure.
I did say (I think)

Beneath the surface, insects swarm
Beneath this surface insects swarm
Beneath my surface insects swarm

****I realize this works no matter how it is read. It is not repeated
so I think tweaking this won't hurt the poem. I'm not telling you to
change anything. I'm telling you how I read it.

and seek to break this fleshy cage;
you stroke my skin and think me warm

but what you feel is buzzing rage

**** this line felt and still feels awkward to me. You go from him thinking
you're warm and you telling him that he actually feels a buzzing rage.
I don't think the two meld very well. I do think you feeling
the buzzing rage is a better contrast.
This would have went well with cold enough to numb the thought,
because of the contrasts. If he feels something it might
ought to be cold.

This line is not repeated, a small tweak would not hurt this.
again the way I read it, not the way you wrote it.

that stings me as I cry, I cry
and seek to break this fleshy cage.


You said.
"I don't want people to have to guess at both the metaphor
and what's being alluded to in the metaphor."


I am left guessing a little.
Maybe my reading skills aren't up to the higher caliber writing.
In which case, if I don't understand a poem, then maybe I shouldn't
comment on it?

You said
"I just genuinely don't understand a lot of your criticisms"

I assume this is not the only piece where my views don't match yours,
do you find my critiques offensive in general? if you want to ask question of such nature do it through pm, i can't understand why your hackles are up/ admin billy


David

[Leanne]

David, I am not upset by a contrary viewpoint -- I asked for clarification because I tend to expect that readers will have at least some of the same understanding about a poem as I do, and I do my best to put in enough keys to make that happen, so when it doesn't I want to know why. I would never ask anyone not to comment on my poems, and am really not as sensitive and precious about these things as you seem to believe.

As to the first line, in a terzanelle or any form with repeating lines, it's important that the refrains appear in the right order to begin with, so that they fit in with their position through the rest of the poem. That I do this relatively quickly is due to more than 20 years of practise, which doesn't mean it's easy and doesn't make mine better than anyone else's. However, altering "the" to "a" will not damage the poem in any way, so I'll do that now.

I will keep the "think me warm/buzzing rage" section as is though. It ties in with the insects, and "you stroke my skin" indicates that these are things he/she is feeling underneath his/her hand, emanating from within the I. "I feel" would be telling and cliched.

Just to reiterate, I do NOT simply want comments from people who agree with me. Disagreements are important in poetry, as long as you're prepared to have me disagree with some of your disagreements

[billy]

The poem including it's whys and wherefores can be discussed here.
two post have been removed for being completely off topic/admin (billy)