Revised: A Critique of Walt Whitman

[heslopian]

I cannot stomach comradeship,
the masculinity you loved, as soldiers sleep by lakes
and woo, women sew the meadow's store,
and everyone is ripe with joy, stranger holding
kind stranger, Indians and whites at peace;
what is this strange utopia, this place we tell children about
to placate them each night?

this optimism of the blind denies the tombs,
the leaves which fall on great stone beds
and wither in the summer light. when you explore
this transaction, this last exchange, immortal fields
of your bright world have more subtance,
feel like home. by acknowledging the moon
you justify the sun. I wish you'd done it more often.

It cannot be emphasised enough, please post any edit on top of the original poem in the original thread. If too long has past, (which isn't the case here) then post them both in the same thread. it's unfair to expect other members to open two pages and flit between them in order to leave feedback./admin

[Todd]

Great edit Jack. You truly brought this all together with this final strophe (really love S2). It's much tightr, and the whole piece has more power. No nits from me.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thanks Todd If it wasn't for you and Bilbo this wouldn't have been written. Exactly why I like to post in serious critique.

[critical mass]

Heslopian

I haven't read much of Walt Whitman, (he says, slightly embarrassed).


****Nice opening lines. Reads well out loud.
I cannot stomach comradeship,
the masculinity you loved, as soldiers sleep by lakes
and woo, women sew the meadow's store,


and everyone is ripe with joy, stranger holding
kind stranger, Indians and whites at peace;

***this is slightly jarring.
two "ands" in 2 flines...also ..."Kind" is a thudding word in an otherwise smooth line.
of course Whitman may have used this line
so it may be a necessity to the poem.

what is this strange utopia, this place we tell children about
to placate them each night?

***I don't think you need the question mark, it's rhetorical. jmo

I'm obsessive compulsive on line breaks I think. Some lines seem to break on the wrong word but I can't put my finger on them.
I always second guess myself on line breaks so this may be a stupid comment.

Thanks for the read

David

[heslopian]

Thank you for the feedback critical mass I didn't directly quote Whitman once in this piece, so the jars are all mine Aren't question marks still needed in rhetorical questions?

[critical mass]

Aren't question marks still needed in rhetorical questions?

You may be right on this point but I think in poetry, questions are more of a "Hmmmm I wonder", rather than "Tell me the answer". jmo

I just have the question mark phobia in poetry,

David

[billy]

I cannot stomach comradeship,
the masculinity you loved, as soldiers sleep by lakes
and woo, women sew the meadow's store,
and everyone is ripe with joy, stranger holding
kind stranger, Indians and whites at peace;
what is this strange utopia, this place we tell children about
to placate them each night?

this optimism of the blind denies the tombs,
the leaves which fall on great stone beds
and wither in the summer light. when you explore
this transaction, this last exchange, immortal fields
of your bright world have more subtance,
feel like home. by acknowledging the moon
you justify the sun. I wish you'd done it more often.

it's substance...

no change in the 1st verse which i'm glad off,
as grammar has been used and to good use, why not put caps in their respective places?

what a difference an edit makes you bugger. ten fold better for me jack.
apart form the caps and spelling, i have one nit the 'it' in 'done it'; would 'done so' soften it up a little? i like the leaves in this one, the first 2 lines of the 2nd verse are way stronger than the original. for me it's an excellent edit.

thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words Bilbo I like your idea for the last sentence. I'll make the edit in a mo.