The Storm (2nd Revision)

[ckeo]

(Second Revision)

Black rain washed over weathered pavement
into the drain, shadowy tendrils reaching out..

Clouds bled a crimson sigh,
wounded by rays reaching down like search beacons..

Fleeting warmth drifted away with the winds,
leaving me cold, wet and alone,
in the fold of destiny.

(Alternate)

Black rain washed over weathered pavement
into the drain, shadows.. tendrils.. reaching out..

Clouds bled a crimson sigh,
wounded by rays reaching down like search beacons..

Fleeting warmth drifted away with the winds,
leaving me cold, wet and alone,
in the fold of destiny.


------------------------------------------------------
(First revision)

Black rain washed over weathered pavement
into the drain like shadowy tendrils reaching out..

Clouds bled with a crimson sigh,
wounded by rays reaching down like search beacons..

Fleeting warmth drifted away with the winds,
leaving me cold, wet and alone,
in the fold of destiny.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
(Original)
The black rain washed over the weathered pavement
into the drain like shadows of tentacles reaching out..
the sky opened up where the clouds bled with a crimson sigh
as the suns rays reached down like search beacons,
for a fleeting moment I could feel its warmth
as it drifted away with the winds leaving me cold wet and alone,
thus I remain in the fold of my destiny.
~ck~

[Todd]

Hi ck,

This is the first of your poems that I've read. It's good to see you posting. I would challenge you to go through this poem and ask yourself what words could I cut and not sacrifice meaning. I'll give you some cuts that I think may work (obviously you know what you're going for more than me so see if this works for you):

The black rain washed over the weathered pavement--you could cut "the" before weathered and probably the other "the" as well
into the drain like shadows of tentacles reaching out..
the sky opened up where the clouds bled with a crimson sigh--this might work better as a second line. You could probably cut "the sky opened up". I like how you use color and sound in the second part of this line
as the suns rays reached down like search beacons,
for a fleeting moment I could feel its warmth--you could cut "its"
as it drifted away with the winds leaving me cold wet and alone,
thus I remain in the fold of my destiny. --you could probably cut thus I remain
~ck~

Well, I hope the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[ckeo]

Hi ck,

This is the first of your poems that I've read. It's good to see you posting. I would challenge you to go through this poem and ask yourself what words could I cut and not sacrifice meaning. I'll give you some cuts that I think may work (obviously you know what you're going for more than me so see if this works for you):

The black rain washed over the weathered pavement--you could cut "the" before weathered and probably the other "the" as well
into the drain like shadows of tentacles reaching out..
the sky opened up where the clouds bled with a crimson sigh--this might work better as a second line. You could probably cut "the sky opened up". I like how you use color and sound in the second part of this line
as the suns rays reached down like search beacons,
for a fleeting moment I could feel its warmth--you could cut "its"
as it drifted away with the winds leaving me cold wet and alone,
thus I remain in the fold of my destiny. --you could probably cut thus I remain
~ck~

Well, I hope the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

Thank you... took your advice and changed some other things as well..
the last 3 lines do not feel right, I will have to give it some thought, but maybe its just me.


*was thinking of using:

"Fleeting warmth drifted away with the winds,
destiny folded, leaving me cold, wet and alone."

[billy]

brave edit and much better from my pov. heres a couple more ideas
(First revision)

Black rain washed over weathered pavement
into the drain like shadowy tendrils reaching out..would it read better as 'into the drain, shadowy tendrils reaching out..' which makes it an image

Clouds bled with a crimson sigh, is with needed?
wounded by rays reaching down like search beacons..

Fleeting warmth drifted away with the winds,
leaving me cold, wet and alone,
in the fold of destiny.

~ck~

exponentially better ck. it's more compact yet feels like it's say a lot more. bravo. jmo

[ckeo]

brave edit and much better from my pov. heres a couple more ideas
(First revision)

Black rain washed over weathered pavement
into the drain like shadowy tendrils reaching out..would it read better as 'into the drain, shadowy tendrils reaching out..' which makes it an image

Clouds bled with a crimson sigh, is with needed?
wounded by rays reaching down like search beacons..

Fleeting warmth drifted away with the winds,
leaving me cold, wet and alone,
in the fold of destiny.

~ck~

exponentially better ck. it's more compact yet feels like it's say a lot more. bravo. jmo

Thank you Billy... I revised it... let me know what you think.

[billy]

i prefer the 2nd revision. for me the ...'s are a bit much. jmo