My first and last Triolet

[ICSoria]

I have never really been happy with it either, so have at it. I have developed thick skin as regards criticism so don't worry...I won't go postal on you.

Denied

To know that place where wondrous dreams reside
Beyond the golden door that guards your heart,
I'd take love's key and lock mine all inside
To know that place where wondrous dreams reside
Set free emotions we had been denied
Within despondent days we'd been apart.
To know that place where wondrous dreams reside
Beyond the golden door that guards your heart.

©2008

[billy]

a pratchett fan i see,

I have never really been happy with it either, so have at it. I have developed thick skin as regards criticism so don't worry...I won't go postal on you.

Denied

To know that place where wondrous dreams reside
Beyond the golden door that guards your heart,
I'd take love's key and lock mine all inside
To know that place where wondrous dreams reside
Set free emotions we had been denied
Within despondent days we'd been apart.
To know that place where wondrous dreams reside
Beyond the golden door that guards your heart.

©2008

for me L 6, and 7 feel a little forced.
as far as the form goes it seems you did a great job. there's a couple of places un-iambic, but using all iambs isn't written in stone so i didn't mention it in the body of the poem (that said it would have helped the flow for me had they been used) i think if the refrain had been made to read differently it would have gave the poem an added depth. personally i think you should try a few more (jmo)

for me it's far above average and well worth the read.

[ICSoria]

Billy,
Thanks,
I will take any and all suggestions to heart on this. I do feel encouraged to try again considering the number of poets on this site proficient in metric forms.

Sid

[Leanne]

Sid, I'm just on a flying visit at the minute and don't have the time to spend on the detailed critique that you deserve here -- but for the minute, the biggest problem I have with this poem is that your A line doesn't fit perfectly into the L4 spot, so it's stalling the poem a little bit there. My initial thought was that you could alter it to "within that place where wondrous dreams reside", but to make that work perfectly in the opening/closing couplets might require a little alteration of the B line, and also something with L6, which is the one Billy mentions as awkward and I'm less than enamoured of also.

(I don't have any issues with the meter though, I fit it all into iambs fairly well)

I will have another look when I have a bit more time.

[addy]

The main issues in form have already been pointed out... imo the form is not as bad as you think . My other nits are mainly logical; the poem speaks of setting emotions free by... locking up dreams? Something about it doesn't jibe so well for me, though it is beautifully written.

[ICSoria]

You have all made great points and I will take all suggestions into consideration. It seems as though I have revised this one about 100 times trying to make it feel right but I was never happy with it. Thank you,

Sid

[billy]

it's leanne whose whipping us into shape hehe.
i do think you should do a few more at least

[heslopian]

I can't find any fault with it. The flow has a slight imperfection here and there, but to me that only makes the poem better. Gives it more substance. The refrains are beautiful, classically poetic without seeming forced. I wish I could offer you some constructive critique (I did think of suggesting you switch "mine" and "all" around, but the meter works better as you've written it and it doesn't affect the syntax too much) but I can't. I love it. Thanks for the read.