Grandmother

[heslopian]

Her fingers play across the bars
of gates that line the promenade.
As purple flowers burn like stars
her fingers play across the bars.
Disturbed only by passing cars
her eyes take in each purple shard.
Her fingers play across the bars
of gates that line the promenade.

[Todd]

I often find form difficult. I do like what you've done here Jack, in as much as, you have very little room to work (choose two refrains and three independant lines). The line that really pops out for me is: "As purple flowers burn like stars" Gorgeous writing! While to my untrained ear the meter sounded fine, I did have one concern: shard. Yes, yes I hate the word normally but that isn't it. Shouldn't that line rhyme with your second refrain (promenade)?

That's all I've got.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

Shard rhymes with promenade in my accent, so I'm ok with that one The meter falls over in your B line though, as:

of GATES/ linING/ the PROM/enADE

so the strong stress falls on the -ing, which is not natural. Perhaps try "Of gates that line the promenade"?

Similarly, "disTURBED/onLY/by PASS/ing CARS" -- the stress is on the second syllable of "only", again not natural. But it's not even 6am and I'm only on my first sip of coffee, so I haven't got a ready solution for that line...

[Todd]

To me it sounds like aid like lemonade. Those dialects will always throw me. We should all write in pig latin (it would make the rhyming easier too).

[heslopian]

Thank you for your feedback guys Leanne, I will change "lining" to "that line" in a moment. And yes Todd, in my dialect too "shard" rhymes with "promenade".

[billy]

same here promenade, it the 'a' can be pronounced as it is in dad or father, i think the latter is the most common.

i only know about this cos i did a bit of reading on it.

the refrain often has more depth if you can change the grammatical structure of it.
example in the 1st line;
Her fingers play. Across the bars

it's even better if you can make all three refrains grammatically different. (or so they say)
as usual it's pretty nailed form wise and the content as usual is fresh. the images also work really well. jmo

thanks for the read.

[addy]

I really like it... there's a kind of synesthesia quality to the imagery, the way it comes in bursts of impressions and color. My only nit; is the repetition of "purple" intentional? It could do without, but that's your choice of course.

[Aish]

It is lilting. Her FINGERS play aCROSS the BARS...there is a term there I'm sure I'm ignorant of.

"as purple flowers burn like stars" is a stroke of genius.

No nits. Thanks for sharing, Jack.

[heslopian]

If there is a term there I'm ignorant of it as well Thanks for the kind words Aish

[critical mass]

Heslopian

Lots of good images here.

Promenade works in the rhyme, unless its used in square dancing
then it's (aide).

I think strum in stead of play, or something similar would work better.
would sound more musical.
Play is generic I think.

I agree with everyone else about the purple flower line.

Not much to dislike in this.

Thanks
David

[heslopian]

Thank you for the feedback critical mass I'll have a think about "strum"... It does seem like a more original, pleasant sounding word.