Communion

[Aish]

You asked me once
gently, in the dark

why?

Your quiet earnestness
and soft pleading broke my heart.

I didn't answer very well.
Unexpected vulnerability stole my breath
and sinuous words slumbered in the void.

It is
because you've always been with me.

You are the disseminator dancing,
licking and stinging uninitiated ears
with every waltzing breeze past youth.

You're beautiful and wild,
and the roots of your soul
anchor thick in the ore of chaos.

I bury my dead in you,
and watch God take form in your eyes -
as we conquer one another
cracking our communion rib,
and you know the worth of my intimacy.

I love you because in the spiral
our bodies are the place where power combines
and there is ambition in our blood, to mingle

and be set free.

original;
You asked me once
gently, in the dark

why I love you so much.

Your quiet earnestness
and soft pleading broke my heart.

I didn't answer very well.
Unexpected vulnerability stole my breath
and sinuous words slumbered in the void.

I love you
because you've always been with me.

You are the disseminator dancing,
licking and stinging uninitiated ears
with every waltzing breeze past youth.

I love you because you're beautiful and wild,
and the roots of your soul
anchor thick in the ore of chaos.

I bury my dead in you,
and watch God take form in your eyes -
as we conquer one another
cracking our communion rib -
and you know the worth of my intimacy.

I love you because in the spiral
our bodies are the place where power combines
and there is an ambition in our blood, to mingle.

[Leanne]

Your opening lines are simple and simply stunning, and "I didn't answer very well" is a familiar feeling.

The list-like format reminds me of all those times when you walk away wishing that you could just have that question again, because all your answers are so much better once you've thought about them -- but the chances of you actually saying them aloud are much greater in your head than in reality, because the tongue gets embarrassed and won't make the right shapes.

"I bury my dead in you" speaks very strongly to me.

I genuinely have no changes to suggest.

[addy]

This is a splendid love poem, completely absent of triteness, and the honesty it projects makes the passion almost unnervingly powerful. Great stuff. This would rival pablo neruda I think

You asked me once
gently, in the dark

why I love you so much. Lovely opening. Imo you could push this line in with the first stanza, but it would work either way

Your quiet earnestness
and soft pleading broke my heart. Don't think you even need this part... you can jump right into "I didn't answer very well..." right away if you want, as imo that part already so effectively conveys the heartbreak

I didn't answer very well.
Unexpected vulnerability stole my breath
and sinuous words slumbered in the void.

I love you
because you've always been with me. This is interesting, what you did here. This line seems innocuous enough, until you read all that follows

You are the disseminator dancing,
licking and stinging uninitiated ears
with every waltzing breeze past youth.

I love you because you're beautiful and wild,
and the roots of your soul
anchor thick in the ore of chaos. Great image

I bury my dead in you,
and watch God take form in your eyes -
as we conquer one another
cracking our communion rib -
and you know the worth of my intimacy. This stanza is simply stunning

I love you because in the spiral
our bodies are the place where power combines
and there is an ambition in our blood, to mingle

and be set free.

[billy]

You asked me once
gently, in the dark nice opener

why I love you so much. for me 'why' would have been enough.

Your quiet earnestness
and soft pleading broke my heart.

I didn't answer very well.
Unexpected vulnerability stole my breath
and sinuous words slumbered in the void.

I love you same here for me this line would work just as well as 'It is'
because you've always been with me.

You are the disseminator dancing,
licking and stinging uninitiated ears
with every waltzing breeze past youth. this line is excellent in imagery

I love you because you're beautiful and wild, same here for me 'i love is you because' is excessive
and the roots of your soul
anchor thick in the ore of chaos. great line

I bury my dead in you, an exceptional line
and watch God take form in your eyes -
as we conquer one another
cracking our communion rib - another great line
and you know the worth of my intimacy.

I love you because in the spiral here, here for me is where 'i love you' hits, it culminates the poem and directs us clearly to what the question was with the statement of it..
our bodies are the place where power combines
and there is an ambition in our blood, to mingle is 'an' needed

and be set free. not sure this line works for me.

i enjoyed the read, a good love poem with some good solid imagery that's fresh. as you can see the repetition of i love you didn't work too well for me but thats a smaller point than it seems. everything apart from the last line are really nits. for me, on their own they don't matter per say but i think a small edit could make this a publishable poem jmo

thanks for the read.

[Aish]

O.K., I tweaked it a tad.

If it needs more, please let me know. I want this hones as much as possible.

Thank you all.

[billy]

hope you don't mind putting the origanl and the edit together, it makes it easier for doing a side by side

i think the 7th verse is the better for the edit.
my other points stand but not in stone.

[Aish]

Alright, Billy I think I got all your suggestions executed. I'm pondering. I do not think I care for striking the final line, and 'It is" feels castrated. I am going to walk away now. Will return for a fresh perspective later.

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

I've been reading this since you first put it up though I haven't been ready to comment on it till now. This is good love poem. It is original. It has some common touch points but then it reaches for some truly original takes (which ends up personalizing the piece).

Normally, I prepare to cringe when I even see the word love in a poem--I'm very pleased that that wasn't the case here. Here are some comments for you:

You asked me once
gently, in the dark--The specific word choices here really sold me on this. I like once mostly because it implied that the answer given satisfied and wasn't reasked. The word conveys a lot. I also loved the addition of gently, in the dark. This implies intimacy. It also implies a bit of trepedation. It's the sort of approach and question someone asks when they feel that looking to close at something might ruin it. I found this to be a great subtle lead in.

why?--I'm not a fan of this change. While the original line carries with it the possiblity of being too sappy (only if they stop reading at this point) I think this doesn't direct the reader well enough. I can appreciate that the other partner may be able to fill in the gap, but the shortened why lacks the power and intensity of the previous question. It also undermines the it is part later in the revision which I think would work quite well with the original question). I do think you want to limit the number of times you say love in a love poem, but this isn't where I would do it
Your quiet earnestness
and soft pleading broke my heart.--I can live with broke my heart, but it's right on the line. If it were my piece I'd steer away from the predictable. Even broke me would probably be better.

I didn't answer very well.--beautiful line. Honest
Unexpected vulnerability stole my breath
and sinuous words slumbered in the void.--these two lines were the first that I truly had problems with in the poem. I get where you're going with it, but an image might bring these ideas together better. I like the idea of stole my breath and sinuous words

It is--even if you restore the earlier question you may want to consider pulling because up a line. I just don't know if it is can carry the line the way you need.
because you've always been with me.--This feels like the narrator beginning to reach for the answer and while this is true it's not enough

You are the disseminator dancing,
licking and stinging uninitiated ears
with every waltzing breeze past youth.--some interesting stuff here though it doesn't feel as strong as the next two strophes. Which is actually okay because I still think the narrator is discovering the answer while speaking.

You're beautiful and wild,
and the roots of your soul
anchor thick in the ore of chaos.--love the exhuberance that comes through here. The metaphor feels a little off though with roots and ore. Maybe the veins of your soul. Love where this is going though

I bury my dead in you,
and watch God take form in your eyes ---gorgeous writing
as we conquer one another
cracking our communion rib,
and you know the worth of my intimacy.--and again this entire sequence is just beautiful

I love you because in the spiral
our bodies are the place where power combines
and there is ambition in our blood, to mingle

and be set free. and then the answer comes in a rush. This is a payoff and I can fully believe that the question never had to be asked again.

I very much enjoyed this. I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

original;
You asked me once
gently, in the dark

why I love you so much.

Your quiet earnestness
and soft pleading broke my heart.

I didn't answer very well.
Unexpected vulnerability stole my breath
and sinuous words slumbered in the void.

I love you
because you've always been with me.

You are the disseminator dancing,
licking and stinging uninitiated ears
with every waltzing breeze past youth.

I love you because you're beautiful and wild,
and the roots of your soul
anchor thick in the ore of chaos.

I bury my dead in you,
and watch God take form in your eyes -
as we conquer one another
cracking our communion rib -
and you know the worth of my intimacy.

I love you because in the spiral
our bodies are the place where power combines
and there is an ambition in our blood, to mingle.

[billy]

Alright, Billy I think I got all your suggestions executed. I'm pondering. I do not think I care for striking the final line, and 'It is" feels castrated. I am going to walk away now. Will return for a fresh perspective later.

i'm glad that you actually think about them, i'm also very glad you don't just do an edit blindly on what feedback you get

[critical mass]

Aish

Can't add much to what has been said.

I think once. in the opening lines is implied, or maybe the number doesn't matter.

You asked me
gently, in the dark


favorite lines.

with every waltzing breeze past youth.

anchor thick in the ore of chaos

I bury my dead in you

cracking our communion rib

All very original, good images, and poetic to boot.


cheers
David

[Leanne]

I agree with Todd about the "why" lines -- in the original perhaps the repetition of "love" was overdone, but now that you've removed that, I think that a simple "why" seems far too generic and doesn't give us enough of a key into the poem.

But I do like the rest of the changes