Bank.

[V. Dorn]

Melancholic wondering,
Somnambulant
Startled, suddenly
A stumbling step.
I cannot fall here.
A slumberous rumble
Booms across the quiet
Unconscious of the city,
Heralding dawn.

There are men alseep on the banks
Receded, Suckling silt
Laps and hungrily licks my feet,
And famine claws at my ankles,
Viscous and molten spine
A black bile, gurgling past
Penetrating the viscera,
Cleaving the palaces, and towers,
The canopy of spires gilded
By a coming rapturous morn.

Wandering through the haunts
Of golden angel’s wharfs
And silver queen’s walks,
I cannot fall here,
There are men waking on the banks
Heralding dawn.

Oil-skinned and grinning, sentinels,
Twisted serpents are my guides
And coil the globes still lit,
In this unconscious of the city.
I follow the lights away,
Less I fall,
Before the world starts again.

[Aish]

Kudos for using one of my favorite words, Somnambulant.

You manage to keep it all hazy, although it reads a bit more to me as inebriated.

[Leanne]

The second stanza is by far my favourite, with very intense images. I also like your spiral technique, with repetition of the fall, heralding dawn and the men on the banks.

Your second last line should probably be "lest I fall".

I would actually like to see longer lines in some of this, at least in the third stanza where you have "wandering" that could be echoed by the structure of the poem. The second and third lines particularly could do without the break.

I don't mind the surrealist package of the poem at all, though as I've said, I do think the structure could be used to greater effect.

[addy]

This is excellent stuff.. that second stanza, especially, is a stand-out original. If I had to pick out a nit; for me, that opening "melancholic wondering..." didn't add much to the poem content-wise (structure-wise it works) and just seems like a bland placeholder... as an intro it doesn't do the piece justice. Just imo though.

[billy]

Melancholic wondering,
Somnambulant
Startled, suddenly
A stumbling step.
I cannot fall here. would quotations or italics work here
A slumberous rumble
Booms across the quiet
Unconscious of the city,
Heralding dawn.

There are men alseep on the banks asleep
Receded, Suckling silt suckling great line
Laps and hungrily licks my feet,
And famine claws at my ankles, would a period work here
Viscous and molten spine i got stuck on this line for a while
because of the last commaA black bile, gurgling past
Penetrating the viscera,
Cleaving the palaces, and towers,
The canopy of spires gilded
By a coming rapturous morn.

Wandering through the haunts
Of golden angel’s wharfs
And silver queen’s walks,
I cannot fall here,
There are men waking on the banks
Heralding dawn.

Oil-skinned and grinning, sentinels,
Twisted serpents are my guides
And coil the globes still lit,
In this unconscious of the city.
I follow the lights away,
Less I fall,
Before the world starts again.

i thought it a good read,

a nit for me is the use of caps when you use full grammar, when we do this we negate grammar (jmo) for me keep the grammar out if you cap all lines.

i think the gramma needs a little work along with a couple of spelling mistakes.
the 4th line of the 1st verse was a gem, for me it holds the reader and makes him want to know why.
i really enjoyed the 2nd verse which was full of strong images for the river/canal.

for me it feels like the men on the bank work the docks or are the navvies who build the canal.
i like the dreamscape and all that was in it.
thanks for the read.

[V. Dorn]

Hey thanks for the feedback. I would have to agree with most of these observations everyone. Indeed, the opening to the first stanza has always felt a little superfluous, unnecessary to me...I just really wanted to fit in melancholy, for a somewhat contrived connection with 'black bile' later on in the poem.
Regarding grammar and punctuation, to be honest I never really know how to use it when it comes to writing poetry. I go with how it would sound when read aloud and I play around and play around until it makes sense, to me at least :p. Something I need to figure out!
Thanks again, these are all really helpful as well as interesting!
Victor

[billy]

hope to see some more of your work