Backseat

[jadielue]

I'd follow you. I would. Follow, I would. Down, deeper, down.
Past the six-step marker, the bones, thugs, and flies.
Past the twelve-minute lovers whose skin sears the pavement.
Long past the since-been jukebox flipped it's first record,
quite untimely, that I know of. 'Mancing and dancing,
knees thrown overhead in sleazed, swiped, foggy-shine cars.
Past the church that's burned, alone, by itself,
humbly for thirty-three. For thirty-three times it stood.
I'd follow you. I would. Follow you I would.

[Aish]

I'd follow you. I would. Follow, I would. Down, deeper, down. Personally, I would take out "I would". The repetition is alright, but 'Follow, I would' sounds like Yoda in my head.
Past the six-step marker, the bones, thugs, and flies. "Thugs" after "bones" - is it an intentional reference to Bone Thugs 'N' Harmony?
Past the twelve-minute lovers whose skin sears the pavement. I like this line. I like the lovers searing the pavement and the 12 minutes to boot just screams sophomoric crush to me.
Long past the since-been jukebox flipped it's first record, I am not so sure regarding "since-been". I understand the jukebox is basically obsolete, and the new fangled ones have no charm, but it is clunky. What about bygone, or fossilized?
quite untimely, that I know of. 'Mancing and dancing,
knees thrown overhead in sleazed, swiped, foggy-shine cars. I think perhaps "sleazed" should be "sleazy".
Past the church that's burned, alone, by itself, "Alone" used in close proximity to "by itself" is redundant. Maybe "alone, forlorn"?
humbly for thirty-three. For thirty-three times it stood. "For thirty-three times it stood" confuses me
I'd follow you. I would. Follow you I would."And here again, "Follow you I would" has Yoda whispering in my ear. Sorry! My inner Geek likes to come out uninvited!

[jadielue]

Lol, thank you.

[billy]

I'd follow you. I would. Follow, I would. Down, deeper, down.
Past the six-step marker, the bones, thugs, and flies.
Past the twelve-minute lovers whose skin sears the pavement. for me Past adds nothing to the line
Long past the since-been jukebox flipped it's first record,
quite untimely, that I know of. 'Mancing and dancing, had to look up mancing, it's a great word
knees thrown overhead in sleazed, swiped, foggy-shine cars.
Past the church that's burned, alone, by itself,
humbly for thirty-three. For thirty-three times it stood.
I'd follow you. I would. Follow you I would. would a comma after the 2nd follow you elp the flow?

i like the title in relation to the poem.
i think i can see where you're going with the reiteration.
that said it does hinder the flow for me.
the lines 2 to 8 have good imagery, the remind me of dantes inferno and the levels of hell.

i enjoyed the poem and wish i had a woman like that who would follow me
i like that you're stepping outside the box to a certain extent as well.
thanks for the read. all jmo

[addy]

I quite liked the repetition, and that the grammar is switched in places... gives a maybe-confused, maybe-unsettling vibe to the narration. This is pretty tightly done, imo

I'd follow you. I would. Follow, I would. Down, deeper, down.
Past the six-step marker, the bones, thugs, and flies. Rather an odd combination of images but I guess the disjoint works... for me it expresses a vibe rather than a definite picture
Past the twelve-minute lovers whose skin sears the pavement.
Long past the since-been jukebox flipped it's first record, took me a couple of re-reads, the phrasing confused me a little
quite untimely, that I know of. Maybe this follow-up line isn't needed 'Mancing and dancing, Like this one
knees thrown overhead in sleazed, swiped, foggy-shine cars.
Past the church that's burned, alone, by itself, Love the parallelism (I'm assuming it is)
humbly for thirty-three. For thirty-three times it stood. Very nice
I'd follow you. I would. Follow you I would.

[jadielue]

Thank you all, I just love hearing your opinions and takes on the poem it adds dimensions even I cannot see.