Bountiful

[Aish]

The roof of your mouth is like the rarest wine
that goes down
sweetly,
causing my lips in slumber
to speak your name
and thread our fires
through the sieve of time.

Your kisses are a bountiful overflow
from soft full lips,
like precious oils
and anointings on my head.

Cleave us to dust,
so that we may rise in the East
and bless one another
in tenderness.

*still a work in progress, hoping to finish it by the 7th, as it is meant to be a gift. ANY feedback is appreciated. Eviscerate if necessary.

[Leanne]

Quick evisceration while I have the chance

S1 L2, is it too cheesy to break after "down" and put "sweetly" on its own line? I absolutely love the last two lines of that stanza.

S2 L3, you could remove "and are" without any damage to the meaning.

S3 L1, you don't really need "the" -- but the last three lines are beautiful.

I am a weak eviscerator this evening, I fear -- but this doesn't need much.

[billy]

i'll give it a go tomorrow.

[Aish]

THANK YOU!

[heslopian]

At first I was jarred by how the word "sweetly" has its own line, but having read the poem again the typographical effect is good; it creates a sense of trickling down like wine in the throat.
The first line of the second stanza tripped me up a bit. How about instead of the comma you put "are a", confirming the sentence is all one thought as opposed to conjunctions crammed togethor.
The final stanza is perfect. Violent, passionate, tender and even a tad spiritual. Thanks for the read Aish.

[billy]

The roof of your mouth is like the rarest wine would a line break after 'mouth' or 'is' help the form?
that goes down
sweetly,
causing my lips in slumber
to speak your name
and thread our fires would fire work just as well?
through the sieve of time.

Your kisses, bountiful i like the enjambment on this line
overflow from soft full lips you've already used lips, is soft full lips needed,
like precious oils
and anointings on my head.

Cleave us to dust, not sure cleave works in making to dust.
so that we may rise in the East
and bless one another
in tenderness.

*still a work in progress, hoping to finish it by the 7th, as it is meant to be a gift. ANY feedback is appreciated. Eviscerate if necessary.

i see some butcher has already been eviskithingeeing?

mostly i have no evisking to do, a couple of nits for you to ponder is all.
the 1st twi lines work well.
not sure about the last verse as it feels a little vague
there's a good poem in there though.

thanks for the read

[Aish]

Thank you all so very much for reading and replying. Jack, I have reworked S2. Billy, I am going over your suggestions now. Hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm (not to the tune of The Crash Test Dummies).