Drive

[jadielue]

"Bloated with pills, liquor, smoke, and come. -
The chase, the artiface memorial of good
things said and done that passed you.
Or rather, didn't want you"
~ J. N. Day



Near the drive-in,
beneath the summer-
threaded nests -
torn in pieces
and strung along
the restless leaves.
Our pick-up sputtered
and stopped.
It seemed simple enough
to walk home
across this bemused
place.

Yes.
No one ever
floats
in a good
place,
wherever they
are.
We're dead-
weight.
Even the
children know
we all
fall
down.

[billy]

on first glance i enjoyed this write. jadie.
will come back to it later and give some proper feedback.

(i have to try and do a gunga din parody for me homework

[billy]

"Bloated with pills, liquor, smoke, and come. -
The chase, the artiface memorial of good
things said and done that passed you.
Or rather, didn't want you"
~ J. N. Day
i'm not conversant with J N Day but i like the quote. (it reminds me of my youth.)



Near the drive-in,
beneath the summer- is 'the' needed?
threaded nests -
torn in pieces
and strung along
the restless leaves. the first sentence is a great image. and an original one as well
Our pick-up sputtered
and stopped.
It seemed simple enough
to walk home
across this bemused would it add anything by swapping across with bemused?
place.

Yes. would a '!' work better than a period?
No one ever
floats
in a good
place,
wherever they
are.
We're dead-
weight.
Even the
children know
we all
fall
down.

i can see very little that doesn't work for me. i googled the quote but couldn't find te author, but thats okay because for me the quote fits the poem irrespective of who said it real or not.
i like the form of the poem (obviously, i don't know if it's intended. but the way it tapers off from quote to 2nd to last verse works well.
for me the poem carries a certain scepticism.
all jmo
but for me this is a good poem.
thanks for the read.

[addy]

This seems to be one of your more subdued pieces, and extremely thoughtful. I quite like the atmosphere.

"Bloated with pills, liquor, smoke, and come. -
The chase, the artiface memorial of good
things said and done that passed you.
Or rather, didn't want you"
~ J. N. Day



Near the drive-in,
beneath the summer-
threaded nests -
torn in pieces
and strung along
the restless leaves. Don't think a period belongs here? This is a sentence fragment. That said, the imagery is really interesting to me so far
Our pick-up sputtered
and stopped.
It seemed simple enough
to walk home
across this bemused I don't think bemused is the right word?
place.

Yes.
No one ever
floats
in a good
place,
wherever they
are. I like how you use the structure here, to mimic the floating
We're dead-
weight.
Even the
children know
we all
fall
down. Clever reference

Thanks for sharing

[Leanne]

Jade, I think you've got a poem in the "quote" itself -- I wonder at the reasoning behind acknowledging yourself there though, seems a bit weird A bit of white space and that's some profound stuff.

I love "beneath the summer". This gives the season itself far more importance and weight. I'm with the other commenters on "bemused" though -- I am not convinced that it makes any sense, even in a surreal manner, though personification of the place is not a bad idea in itself. "No one ever floats in a good place" is excellent. I'd probably get rid of the hyphen after dead, I don't think it's necessary.

The ending sentence is great, and overall, this is a very fine piece.

[billy]

bugger you Leane for spotting it was jadie's own quote.

i'm glad i didn't pretend i knew who'd said it

that you wrote the quote makes it a little special for me by giving the poem an extra dimension.

[jadielue]

Darn! And to think I could have surpass your keen wit with the quote! Oh well, thanks. I don't know, bemused seems right for me.

[heslopian]

The body of the poem itself is rather wonderful, especially the second verse, which is in its strange way profound. The epigraph though seems like a jumble of words as it progresses, and in my opinion isn't needed.

[jadielue]

Thank you.