Contrast

[Aish]

My grandad used to say the same thing (among other gems). Mark works, but Ava kinda makes me giggle.

[Wildcard]

Okay, I'll admit I would have to put my foot down with 'Ava'. :p

[Aish]

Oooohhhhh goodyy, backbone ;p

[Wildcard]

Stay on topic :p

[Aish]

What's the topic again?

[Wildcard]

the iambs! It's all about the iambs!!! :p

[Aish]

...which I suck at...

[Leanne]

it hid itself, within itself so dense
congealed. embedded, marbled sky contains
misshapen pillows roaming constantly.
The wetness of the gusts is shiver-fuel

a breach of heaven's mood provides a ray,
the misty synthesis of sun and air:
an iridescent specter arching low.
the beings gazing up so gratefully

ok, you bossy bastard :fing:... your iambs are actually pretty perfect, and you're right to want to keep them neat and tidy... if you wanted to be tricky, you could try:

an iridescent specter arching low-
ly beings gazing up so gratefully

I'm not entirely sold on "provides" in the first line of S2... perhaps "reveals"?

(I just thought I should copy the text of the poem to the end of the thread, since somehow things seem to have become slightly muddied...)

[Wildcard]

Thanks for taking the time to help me, Leanne. I really liked your suggestions, especially the 'tricky' one I did a small edit, but rewording gave me something a little better, I think.
Thanks again.

[Leanne]

"allows" works

[heslopian]

Your revision is elegantly constructed but uses a few too many adjectives. I think you should sit down and decide what the basic image or meaning you're trying to convey is, then express it in as simple a way as possible.
The full stop following "congealed" doesn't make grammatical sense. I think it belongs after "dense". I assume "congealed", "embedded" and "marble" are all meant to describe "sky". If not and the full stop is where it should be then you need to put a comma after dense.
My favourite lines:

*"misshapen pillows roaming constantly"

*"this synthesis of misty air"

These are brilliant and show a skill at forming original, elegant imagery which really affects the reader. On the whole the poem is very lyrical, and just needs a bit of time in the editing suite to be made perfect. For instance, do you need "arching" after "spectre"? Remember to show rather than tell. I also think "Lowly" should be written whole instead of being divided into its component syllables. As this poem doesn't follow any metre (that I'm aware of) such an odd technique is unecessary.
Thanks for the read AA

[Wildcard]

Thanks, Jack. You're suggestions are insightful and I will give them some thought. However, the poem is meant to be metered. iambic pentameter. I'm assuming since nobody got that I must've done something wrong . . .

[heslopian]

Oh no you got it right. I'm the one with egg on my face for not noticing such a classic metrical pattern

[Wildcard]

Thanks for giving me your opinions though. They are extremely helpful. I see the over use of adjectives, but its hard for me to come up with ways to fully describe my subjects and their actions. I will be working on it.

[abu nuwas]

It is brief, it is evocative. I do not share Jack's feelings about too many adjectives. Some people, including me, find it difficult to use so many, mindful of childhood admonitions about our writing being too 'flowery' and 'schoolgirlish' (the very thought!) I admire those who seem to be able to get away with whole showers of adjectives, images, and I don't know what. I do know that being a bit minimalist, is like having a 'safish' goalkeeper!

[Wildcard]

Thanks for taking the time to read this, Abu. I am still trying to find my own voice and input is invaluable to me at this point. It's still not completely satisfying to me so I will continue to worry with it.