Contrast

[Wildcard]

it hid itself, within itself so dense
congealed. embedded, marbled sky contains
misshapen pillows roaming constantly.
The wetness of the gusts is shiver-fuel

a breach of heaven's mood allows a ray
into this synthesis of misty air:
an iridescent specter arching. Low-
ly beings gazing up so gratefully

Original

When the clouds are like great, gray pillows and the sky is deep and ominous, life is powerful and focused like a dense blob . . . hiding itself, within itself. The air is thick and poignant with the lush smell of greens and browns. Warm, wet gusts of wind fuel the shivers of the exposed.
Then the clouds open, allowing the sun for a rare moment. An iridescent specter arches overhead; a wondrous play of refracted light appears. The beings gaze from their perches and always seem grateful.

[Leanne]

There are some lovely images here -- and you could leave it in prose form, or if you'd like, a little playing and you'd have a nice piece of freeverse.

Say, for example:

When the clouds are great, gray pillows
and the sky is deep and ominous,
life is powerful,
focused,
a dense blob
hiding itself, within itself.

The air is thick and poignant with
the lush smell of greens and browns. Warm,
wet gusts of wind fuel the shivers of the exposed.

Then the clouds open, allowing the sun
for a rare moment.
An iridescent specter arches overhead;
a wondrous play of refracted light appears.

The beings gaze from their perches and always
seem grateful.

I don't want to muck about with it too much, just showing you some other possibilities.

The main thing to remember about line breaks is that readers always pay the most attention to the first and last words in a line, same as the first and last lines in a poem. Use that to your advantage and you're set.

[addy]

The imagery is indeed pretty sumptuous ( I loved "hiding itself, within itself"). Nicely done. If I had to make a suggestion, you can choose to cut down on some of the adjectives. For instance in your first lines "When the clouds are great, gray pillows ---and the sky is deep and ominous---" you've got quite a few adjectives going on; but really great, gray clouds express nearly the same thing as deep, ominous skies so over-elaboration is not necessary, and this can be tightened. Same thing with "refracted light", which though lovely is a near repetition of the already beautiful "iridescent specter". This is just food for thought though, and purely an opinion. Thank you for sharing this piece

[Wildcard]

Thanks guys. Leanne, I like what you did, but I'm afraid I don't understand how you broke the parts up. It honestly seems arbitrary in places. My research is a little slow because I constantly get side-tracked, but I am trying to get this . . .

Addy, glad you liked 'hiding itself, within itself.' I wasn't sure anyone would even get what I was saying. As far as the over use of adjectives, I can see what you mean. Maybe I was just trying too hard to make sure I got the point across. I'll look at it again and see if I can condense.

[Aish]

Thanks guys. Leanne, I like what you did, but I'm afraid I don't understand how you broke the parts up. It honestly seems arbitrary in places. My research is a little slow because I constantly get side-tracked, but I am trying to get this . . .

The line breaks appear rhythmically, so the piece has a natural flow. Try reading it aloud.
The original presentation is too rambling, even for prose. It looks like an excerpt from a short story. There is nothing wrong with short stories, but presentation (or lack thereof) turns readers off just as quickly as a boring opening strophe.

[Wildcard]

I got a little sidetracked this weekend throwing one on, so I haven't gotten back this yet. I see that you are right about my rambling, though. Maybe I try to be thorough when I should give impressions instead. I am always afraid that I won't get my point across.

[Leanne]

I am always afraid that I won't get my point across.

There is a phrase in writing that varies from place to place, but the one I like best is "killing the babies". Once it's out there, you can't control what people think of it or get out of it -- it's not yours anymore, it's theirs. Having one single, obvious and closed-off meaning is actually pretty fatal to poetry. It's not a riddle to be puzzled through, it's something that should stay in the mind of the reader and grow with him.

Don't worry if people get meanings other than your original out of a poem -- be excited, it means you're giving them a chance to explore the world you created.

[billy]

i'm definitely with leanne on this one. i am the worlds biggest get it wrongerer, but i'm okay if i get it wrong. often what we write is multi levelled and we don't notice it. i think as long as it "works' is what really matters.
enjambment; it can be a bugger to get a handle on and i agree that sometimes it can seem arbitrary. the idea is to work it so it presents what you want to say, in the best possible way.

some good images AA though i wonder if a comma is needed after great, on the 1st line. while it reads well as prose, i think it would read better in the form or a poem, though i do think if done that way a lot of the smaller words could be foresaken.

it has a godly feeling about it. i enjoyed the rainbow image. (jmo)

thanks for the read.

[Wildcard]

Ok, I rewrote this but I went to the extreme. I just thought I'd better stay with what I've been studying. I'm liking it, but I am a little biased :p

it hid itself, within itself so dense
congealed. embedded, marbled sky contains
misshapen pillows roaming constantly.
The wetness of the gusts is shiver-fuel

a breach of heaven's mood provides a ray,
the misty synthesis of sun and air:
an iridescent specter arching low.
the beings gazing up so gratefully

[Aish]

I put your edit with the original for comparison.

[Leanne]

AA, would you consider getting rid of "the" on the last line? That would give you a little bit of ambiguity, so the last two lines read either:

an iridescent specter arching low, beings gazing up so gratefully

or

an iridescent specter arching, low beings gazing up so gratefully

I really love "shiver-fuel". You're definitely getting the hang of "show not tell".

[Wildcard]

Something about your comments makes me think you aren't reading this as metered. I might be wrong, but it also stems from the fact that your changes would throw off the meter. (or is my meter so terrible that you didn't notice it )
Even so, I love the changes. I'll see if there is a way I can substitue something more vague into that spot.

[Leanne]

meter is a fluid thing But no, I wasn't paying too much attention to that... I will do better in future, sir!

[Wildcard]

I didn't mean to sound bossy -

[Aish]

Sure, Aa, SURE...

[Wildcard]

Who'd of thought when I picked my nickname it would remind me of Alcoholics Anonymous everytime I read it?

[Aish]

Don't forget to raise your hand and say "Hi, my name is..."

---

I'll just start calling you Ava from now on.

[Wildcard]

You could always call me Mark.

[Aish]

If you prefer.

[Wildcard]

My Papaw always said, 'Call me anything you want as long as you call me when it's time for supper.' I'm not picky. Call me dingleberry longjohnson if you like. I am not easily offended.