Boredom

[heslopian]

“Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld
So I can sigh eternally.” – Nirvana, Pennyroyal Tea

To say I’m surrounded by wasted lives
would imply those lives once had potential.
The retarded man orders a pot of tea
for his elderly female companion, telling the waitress
again and again that he’s paying with his money;
she rolls her eyes beneath dyed hair. Her expression says
“I belong to this generation, and disapprove of those
who don’t.” But she is just as tedious as the man child
in his rain coat, and again the word “wasted” seems wrong.
No chair could be made from these sticks.
I finish my steak dinner and leave. The clouds look heavy.

Perhaps serial killers are driven in part by ennui,
a boredom so fierce they must score their lives with screams.
Tired of hallways and doors, books, cinemas, alarm clocks
and grocery bills, the million ways we prolong our lives,
maybe they see the rope, the knife, the pretty girl’s neck
on the couch beside them, then suddenly the world is red,
glorious, bright, filling the monochrome shapes.

[addy]

Love this one (a macabre take on inspiration if I ever saw one ). Not much I can comment on, I'm afraid.

To say I’m surrounded by wasted lives
would imply those lives once had potential. Oh snap. It's so bad but I laughed
The retarded man orders a pot of tea
for his elderly female companion, telling the waitress
again and again that he’s paying with his money;
she rolls her eyes beneath dyed hair. Her expression says
“I belong to this generation, and disapprove of those
who don’t.” But she is just as tedious as the man child
in his rain coat, and again the word “wasted” seems wrong.
No chair could be made from these sticks. It's a nice line on its own, but imo not necessary in this part
I finish my steak dinner and leave. The clouds look heavy. There's a humdrum to the narration so far that really drives the point home. Nicely done

Perhaps serial killers are driven in part by ennui,
a boredom so fierce they must score their lives with screams. Nice line
Tired of hallways and doors, books, cinemas, alarm clocks
and grocery bills, the million ways we prolong our lives,
maybe they see the rope, like the transition from "prolong" to "rope" the knife, the pretty girl’s neck
on the couch beside them, then suddenly the world is red,
glorious, bright, filling the monochrome shapes. I think the ending hangs a little? But that's just imo. It still an excellent line.

[heslopian]

Thanks for your kind words and feedback Addy I'll have a think about how I might strengthen the ending.

[billy]

“Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld
So I can sigh eternally.” – Nirvana, Pennyroyal Tea

To say I’m surrounded by wasted lives
would imply those lives once had potential. callous and bitchy
The retarded man orders a pot of tea
for his elderly female companion, telling the waitress
again and again that he’s paying with his money;
she rolls her eyes beneath dyed hair. Her expression says
“I belong to this generation, and disapprove of those
who don’t.” But she is just as tedious as the man child
in his rain coat, and again the word “wasted” seems wrong.
No chair could be made from these sticks. is this a metaphor for the mans affliction, if so i think it needs a little clarity?
I finish my steak dinner and leave. The clouds look heavy.

Perhaps serial killers are driven in part by ennui,
a boredom so fierce they must score their lives with screams.
Tired of hallways and doors, books, cinemas, alarm clocks
and grocery bills, the million ways we prolong our lives,
maybe they see the rope, the knife, the pretty girl’s neck
on the couch beside them, then suddenly the world is red, for me the poem ends here
glorious, bright, filling the monochrome shapes. this line feels like an artistic filler used to end the poem.

apart from the one line which left me a little lost, i would struggle to change anything. the last line of the 1st verse is so matter of fact, it feels a little chilling. The headbanger and his companion were solid and real and the man child term was perfect in meaning exactly what it said, (not a child who's man). i love the way the 1st person just takes it all in and uses it to pass the time while having dinner. there's a feeling of mock in the verse and yet it's more of a exercise in observational time wasting.

the 2nd verse feels as though the 1st person is overlaying the mundane on his psych and telling himself how easy it would be to snap, the tile for me comes into play at this point, while it seems to be a train of thought shift, it more a conscious thought of if and why not, i could do that etc

right or wrong, i really thought it a great read,

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback Bilbo. When you say "callous and bitchy" do you mean that as a fault or a virtue? The penultimate line of the first stanza is about both the retarded man and the waitress. I was trying to say they were dull, like sticks, and could never be made into anything useful, like a chair. I like your idea about ending on "the world is red." That would make it more punchy and chilling.

[billy]

most definitely a virtue.
i said it because as far as headbangers are concerned it's usually 'poor thing,' but in the poem
it was a calculated look, and not one that was too gracious, which made the 1st person looked like it was pissed at the world maybe.

thats what i thought about the chair metaphor, it wouldn't be hard to make it read as;

No chair could be made from that wood.
or
No chair could be made from such wood.

or a lot of other ways hehe. just an idea.

[heslopian]

Ah I see. Thanks for clarifying. I wanted to convey an anger at life but I also wanted the reader to sympathise with the narrator on some level.