Icarus

[mroning tide]

EDIT 1
horror is not sudden
it happens slowly
how many fathoms will I have to wait
until the water will hold my body?

I fell from air into water
losing my breath in the rush

horror happens slowly
lungs gasp in reflex
for a while

Daedalus, the wings you made me
fan skeletal like fins
mocking us in their waves of embrace

horror happens slowly
a blossoming bruise
budding under skin

ORIGINAL
I fell from a great height
from air into water
plummeting
losing my breath in the rushing air
smashed into a neglectful cradling slow fall

horror is not sudden
it happens slowly
how many fathoms will I have to wait
until the water will hold my body?

horror happens slowly
the hope-lung gasps in reflex
for a while

you fell first
and I followed

horror happens slowly
a blossoming bruise
budding under skin

[billy]

I fell from a great height feels a little cliché would it work better without 'a great height'
from air into water
plummeting
losing my breath in the rushing air
smashed into a neglectful cradling slow fall

horror is not sudden
it happens slowly
how many fathoms will I have to wait
until the water will hold my body? really like this verse.

horror happens slowly
the hope-lung gasps in reflex lungs gasp
for a while

you fell first
and I followed

horror happens slowly
a blossoming bruise
budding under skin i another good line

hi and welcome to the forum mroning tide,
lots to like about the piece, i like the re-iteration. of horror
though i'm not sure about the hypen between hope and lung.
personally i think it would made stronger with a couple of good images.
a small edit could turn it from okay to really very good, jmo.
disregard anything you don't find useful
thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Hi Mroning Tide,

A couple comments for you. Use what you like ignore the rest.

First a few general things:

S2 and S5 strike me as the strongest writing in the piece.

You may want to consider moving away from a literal telling and starting more in the middle to emphasis the very strong S2 opening. I realize that changes it up a lot, but I think it might be worth it.

I'll go through the lines now in the order you have them.

I fell from a great height --when I think about these first two lines I think you could make them stronger by condensing them some: "I fell from air into water" all on line one
from air into water
plummeting--I don't see what this adds that fell and the title doesn't already give you. I think you could cut this.
losing my breath in the rushing air--you could lose the repetition of air and simply end the line on rush
smashed into a neglectful cradling slow fall--you could maybe condense this a bit but it works as is. If you did want to condense you could cut smashed and possibly use another word choice for fall since you have fell earlier, but again it still read fine to me (just some options)

horror is not sudden
it happens slowly
how many fathoms will I have to wait
until the water will hold my body?--no suggested changes here. The entire strophe rocks. If you did start with this you could put S1 under it just altering the tense a bit using my earlier changes something like: I had fallen from air into water. Or maybe some different tense alteration...the only reason I bring this up again is because lines this good would be an evocative opening and powerful lead-in

horror happens slowly
the hope-lung gasps in reflex
for a while--I would like to see some different aspect of horror since you use slowly below. hope-lung felt a little awkward. It could just be me of course but after S2 I wanted a more powerful build up here.

you fell first
and I followed

horror happens slowly
a blossoming bruise
budding under skin--I like this a lot. I like the "b" sound choices and the image. It's a solid ending

Again this is just my take on the poem. I hope some of these comments will be helpful to you, if they are not please disregard.

Best,

Todd

[mroning tide]

Hi Todd, Hi Billy

Thanks so much for your feedback, that's really helpful and generous. This is the first time I've shared any of my writing.

I'm going to have a think about your feedback, rework it and post again.

Thank you.

[billy]

great response though please make sure that any changes you make come from you. just use or cast aside what we say and decide if any of it makes sense. looking forward to the edit

i do hope we see some more of you poems mt

[heslopian]

I fell from a great height
from air into water
plummeting
losing my breath in the rushing air
smashed into a neglectful cradling slow fall Too many adjectives here. How about just "cradling fall" after "smashed into a"?

horror is not sudden
it happens slowly Great insight.
how many fathoms will I have to wait I'm not sure this line makes sense. You can't wait fathoms. How about replacing "wait" with "sink"?
until the water will hold my body?

horror happens slowly
the hope-lung gasps in reflex "Hope-lung"? How about "hopeful lungs gasp in reflex"?
for a while

you fell first
and I followed

horror happens slowly
a blossoming bruise
budding under skin Excellent closing verse. "Budding" is exactly the right word. That "horror happens slowly" refrain is also great in its unique insight and simple beauty.

Good poem my friend. Thanks for the read You have an interesting and personal take on the myth.

[mroning tide]

Hi Heslopian

Thanks for your feedback, that's really generous.

Re 'how many fathoms will I have to wait', I guess I was also thinking about 'how many fathoms will I have to weight', at what point would the weight of a body meet the depth of water where it could be held.

I agree that hope-lung doesn't work. I was thinking about those initial moments just after something terrible has happened when you don't realise how bad it is and there can be a reaction to try and minimize the event. But no matter what you do, the realisation creeps over you. Need to find a way to condense that into an image.

Thanks again

---

Hi Billy

I'll definitely be posting more. This forum is great. I've been wondering for a while what to do with the things I write and wondering how to get feedback. So pleased I came across this forum.

[jadielue]

I love Greek Mythology, and so naturally this immediately caught my attention. This is a great take on the story and I give you thumbs up with hands and toes. I agree with most of the comments above on re-vamping it to make the words match the strength of your message. You should be proud of this one.

[mroning tide]

Thanks Jadielue

---

This is the edited version. Have posted it above in the first post also, alongside the original.

horror is not sudden
it happens slowly
how many fathoms will I have to wait
until the water will hold my body?

I fell from air into water
losing my breath in the rush

horror happens slowly
lungs gasp in reflex
for a while

Daedalus, the wings you made me
fan skeletal like fins
mocking us in their waves of embrace

horror happens slowly
a blossoming bruise
budding under skin

[Todd]

I think it's a good edit. The only tweaks you may want to consider would be removing the pronouns L10 (me) and L12 (us). Anything else I can think of would just be a style choice. It's like Billy said, if you are happy with it and it reflects what you want it to do then it's solid. As a reader nothing detracted me and I thought it conveyed well.

Best,

Todd

[jadielue]

Great job, mroning tide! ^_^

[billy]

for me the edit reads much better,
i like the the reversal of verses, the new 1st verse sets the poem off much better.

i like the Daedalus verse was a great addition, though i think it's a given who he built the wings for.

all in all a really good edit.
thanks for the read.

[mroning tide]

Thanks Todd, Billy and Jadielue

Yeah, I think the me and us could be dropped too.