Rain

[heslopian]

I used to wonder why it always rains
in box office hits
as the monster obliterates Manhattan
and the soldiers tremble like kids playing War.

It's forever night in the business district
as the shadow of a scale appears on a cubicle wall,
the heroes wearing slickers as stop signs and cars
glisten through the relentless downpour.

Then I grew up and realised
that it was to obscure the special effects;
our vision is short in falling monsoons.
We can't see far enough to make out the midget
operating the controls in Godzilla's head.

The urban landscapes of darkness and damp
these cut-price visionaries create
hold an accidental charm.
Imagine. You and I standing on Main Street
as the ugly monuments to greed,
the dilapidated apartments and crumbling bars
become little more than blurry neon.
I take your hand as the camera pans out
revealing what looks like an undeveloped photograph,
and you and I in the centre, the sole definites.

[peter6]

Heslopian,
This piece creates a wonderful mood of "darkness and damp". The last stanza especially resonated with me, although it works throughout. It's a soft and blurry rumination that is not too sharp, not too defined, as its theme demands. Liked it very much. I know this is not a technical critique; but the arrow struck home. Good work.
Pete

[heslopian]

Thank you very much peter6

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

I like this one, and I don't have incredibly strong thoughts on suggested changes. So, weigh these comments as moderate opinions nothing more.

I used to wonder why it always rains
in blockbuster films
as the monster obliterates Manhattan
and the soldiers tremble like kids playing War.

I love this opening sequence. I think L1, 3 and 4 are just great. I really like L4 out of the bunch, but L1 with your ending is also very strong. I am not however fond of L2. I don't like that blockbuster is also a corporation (albeit a failing one). I don't think the words themselves are enough to carry the line, and I don't think that it's ultimately necessary when a monster itself and the midget later denote that this is a movie scene.

It's forever night in the business district--love this line
as the shadow of a scale appears on a cubicle wall,--shadow of a scale is great here
the heroes wearing slickers as stop signs and cars
glisten through the relentless downpour.

Then I grew up and realised that--not sure about the break on that. You might want to consider moving that down a line.
it was to obscure the special effects;--absolutely love this idea
our vision is short in falling monsoons.--not sure this line is necessary
We can't see far enough to make out the midget
operating the controls in Godzilla's head.--These two lines are brilliant

The urban landscapes of darkness and damp--beautiful writing
these cut-price visionaries create
hold an accidental charm.--accidental charm is excellent
Imagine. You and I standing on Main Street--nice transition and good build toward the ending
as the ugly monuments to greed,--a little telling here. It's okay that this is here but you could cut it without losing much...pure judgment call
the dilapidated apartments and crumbling bars--great descriptive elements
become little more than blurry neon.--I love this
I take your hand as the camera pans out
revealing what looks like an undeveloped photograph,
and you and I in the centre, the sole definites.

--These last four lines sort of make up the poem in the poem. It's also about how we are indistinct with one another. This is all very cool.

Thanks for the read Jack. It was very fun and made me think about the ending. Of course, use what you will ignore the rest.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

I used to wonder why it always rains
in blockbuster films would box-office hits work better?
as the monster obliterates Manhattan
and the soldiers tremble like kids playing War. simply love this verse,

It's forever night in the business district
as the shadow of a scale appears on a cubicle wall,
the heroes wearing slickers as stop signs and cars should there be a commar before as?
glisten through the relentless downpour. great two lines.

Then I grew up and realised that would 'that' work better on the next line?
it was to obscure the special effects;
our vision is short in falling monsoons. great line
We can't see far enough to make out the midget
operating the controls in Godzilla's head.

The urban landscapes of darkness and damp
these cut-price visionaries create
hold an accidental charm.
Imagine. You and I standing on Main Street
as the ugly monuments to greed,
the dilapidated apartments and crumbling bars
become little more than blurry neon.
I take your hand as the camera pans out
revealing what looks like an undeveloped photograph,
and you and I in the centre, the sole definites. the repetition works well here

i never really thought about it but the insight you show here really works lol.
and i could feel the godzilla film through out. i liked the way we were walked through the process, and out of it back into reality in the last three lines.
can't see anything apart from the couple of picky nits i pointed out.

nice poem that left me feeling i was in on the making.

thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks Todd and Bilbo for your great feedback and kind words. I'll move "that" down a line in the third verse. I'll also change "blockbuster films" to "box office hits." This poem was partly inspired by Roger Ebert's review of the 1998 film Godzilla, in which he talked about how rain and darkness are used to obscure special effects.