Virtue

[heslopian]

virtue is proven by what we don't do.
greatness is rare. for every ten people
who change how we think, build orphanages
or fight oppression, a million more
blow through their lives like leaves at the feet
of a film character. therefore in the absence of greatness
the best among us give by giving nothing bad.

every time we avoid doing something unspeakably evil
we give to the world.

every time we don't rape a woman down a dark alley,
murderer our spouses, molest a child, spread hatred
of a certain group, steal from our friends
and beat each other up, we are showing our virtue.

we contribute to the garden of life
by not pouring salt
in the window box we've been allotted.

[addy]

Very interesting rumination jack. Though I don't think it's exactly cynical (which I guess shows how cynical I am ), it's quite somber. The softness and reasonableness of the narrative voice only makes it more poignant, like a good man that's been somewhat disillusioned.

virtue is proven by what we don't do.
greatness is rare. for every ten people
who change how we think, a vague way to word it imo... I only got it in the context of its succeeding lines build orphanages
or fight oppression, a million more
blow through their lives like leaves at the feet
of a film character. solid image but imo not perfect... I'm having trouble deciding if you're trying to be glib or not therefore in the absence of greatness
the best among us give by giving nothing bad.

every time we avoid doing something unspeakably evil
we give to the world. Don't think this line needs to be on its own?

every time we don't rape a woman down I think "in" is more correct, like "rape her in an alley" a dark alley,
murderer our spouses, molest a child, spread hatred
of a certain group "certain group" sounds weak to me, steal from our friends
and beat each other up, we are showing our virtue.

we contribute to the garden of life
by not pouring salt
in the window box we've been allotted. I love this image so much. But I'm concerned that it's just a reiteration of something you've already said all throughout your poem... a very moving, skilled reiteration, mind you, but still, perhaps it's not a conclusion

[billy]

virtue is proven by what we don't do. a bold statement
greatness is rare. for every ten people
who change how we think, build orphanages
or fight oppression, a million more
blow through their lives like leaves at the feet
of a film character. therefore in the absence of greatness
the best among us give by giving nothing bad. this verse feels a little weak with only a few substantive lines, for me it needs something more, virtue and greatness need i think, to be shown as opposed to explained. like love and hate they're imponderables that need image to define them properly.

every time we avoid doing something unspeakably evil
we give to the world. again an image would have worked better.

every time we don't rape a woman down a dark alley,
murderer our spouses, molest a child, spread hatred
of a certain group, steal from our friends
and beat each other up, we are showing our virtue. for me, virtue is more about the way we do good as opposed to not doing bad,

we contribute to the garden of life
by not pouring salt
in the window box we've been allotted. again for me, this is a misconception. i like the verse and the image it has but it feels too pat. also it would work better for me as not pouring salt in the window boxes allotted to others.

for me it's a better than average forum poem. in truth knowing it's from you i found it to be weak compared to most of your other stuff. it's not what i would call a narrative poem which you're excellent at doing. it feels more like a life lesson without pictures. for me it should have been more concrete in image. somehow i felt i was being taught something i already knew, the way adults teach kids;

look both ways
wait for a red light
and cross quickly
but don't run.
except here i was being told about virtue and greatness, i wanted to be shown.

thanks for the read jack, as always.

the above is jmo and may be discarded or used as you see fit

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback and kind words, Addy and Billy.
Billy, I think what your critique touches on is the fact that this poem is more about artless opinion than poetic technique, so how you respond to it is dictated by whether or not you agree with its sentiments, which is all wrong. A poem shouldn't be about its subject matter, it should be about how it conveys its subject matter, so even if you disagree you can still appreciate it.
I still agree with everything I wrote, but I don't like how I put forth my opinion. The leaves image and the last three lines are the only parts which transcend the subject matter, so I may remove those and try and forge a new poem around them.