Life: The Utmost Clarity

[Verbavore]

Since I currently have my signature quoting from this poem, I thought it would be appropriate to let you see the whole thing. I wrote it specifically for someone who needed it at the time.

Aug. 1996

Clearly life’s not perfect, but only in your sight.
A flower field in summer to a ritual knife at night.
You cloud your sky with mystery,
cover yourself with large palm leaves
so we can’t see your body, flesh
(You made up not perfected)
Your countenance with beauty mesh
(That’s not what from me you expected.)
And even though you never know,
I’ll tell you, little one:
So very long your life’ll go,
(A hundred billion burning suns.)

I know that things get sad sometimes,
You’re pulled down by the sin.
Just smile and think of happy days
and still keep up your chin
to will yourself that you may see
Those happy days to come.
Embrace the circle, life it is
to find out where you’re from.
We are all together to meet the status quo.
The end’s the same for all of us, no matter how we go.
So take the warrior path of heart that to yourself be true.
It’ll take you to the better part. You’ll be more happy, too.
But, if you let the sound you guide grate sour on your soul,
you pass right back your parking pass, and drive right past your goal.

[addy]

Writing an uplifting poem for someone... what a great gesture .

I see this is a much earlier poem of yours, so just take my comments with a grain of salt

Clearly life’s not perfect, but only in your sight. A bit awkward... only fully understood the line when I read on
A flower field in summer to a ritual knife at night. I like the juxtaposition, but struggle to divine the comparison
You cloud your sky with mystery,
cover yourself with large palm leaves
so we can’t see your body, flesh
(You made up not perfected)
Your countenance with beauty mesh
(That’s not what from me you expected.) Awkward phrasing
And even though you never know,
I’ll tell you, little one:
So very long your life’ll go,
(A hundred billion burning suns.) I like this perspective on "immortality". Beautiful line. I almost wish you'd saved this as a later line, as it coincides with the "circle of life, we are one" idea that comes later.

I know that things get sad sometimes,
You’re pulled down by the sin.
Just smile and think of happy days
and still keep up your chin
to will yourself that you may see
Those happy days to come.
Embrace the circle, life it is
to find out where you’re from. Feels a little flat
We are all together to meet the status quo. The cadence stutters here, imo
The end’s the same for all of us, no matter how we go.
So take the warrior path of heart that to yourself be true.
It’ll take you to the better part. You’ll be more happy, too.
But, if you let the sound you guide grate sour on your soul,
you pass right back your parking pass, and drive right past your goal. Not the strongest ending

You have good ideas here, to be sure, but in my opinion I don't think you arranged them correctly to be the most effective narrative. For instance, you ended at in a rather incidental line when you had such impactful lines before that that were more in the spirit of your life-affirming message. You have the elements here, just arrange your ideas so they unfold more beautifully

[billy]

nice idea.
that said i find personal poetry the hardest to give feedback on as me knowing it's personal makes it personal for me as well. still it's up and post now so here goes;

Since I currently have my signature quoting from this poem, I thought it would be appropriate to let you see the whole thing. I wrote it specifically for someone who needed it at the time.

Aug. 1996

Clearly life’s not perfect, but only in your sight. is 'but only' needed?
A flower field in summer to a ritual knife at night. for me you need a line explaining why this is so
You cloud your sky with mystery,
cover yourself with large palm leaves
so we can’t see your body, flesh
(You made up not perfected)
Your countenance with beauty mesh
(That’s not what from me you expected.)the syntax of the two lines in parenthesis make me falter
And even though you never know,
I’ll tell you, little one:
So very long your life’ll go,
(A hundred billion burning suns.) love the last 3 lines of the 1st verse. specially the last one

I know that things get sad sometimes,
You’re pulled down by the sin.
Just smile and think of happy days
and still keep up your chin
to will yourself that you may see
Those happy days to come.
Embrace the circle, life it is
to find out where you’re from.
We are all together to meet the status quo.
The end’s the same for all of us, no matter how we go.
So take the warrior path of heart that to yourself be true.
It’ll take you to the better part. You’ll be more happy, too.
But, if you let the sound you guide grate sour on your soul,
you pass right back your parking pass, and drive right past your goal. great

after the 1st verse it begins to get hall mark, which in and of itself isn't bad. specially with a personal poem. the thing is; once a poem gets hall mark it also begins to lack imagery or becomes too cliché. for me it feels the poetry has left the 2nd verse and become more of a get well thing.

my take is that if you add a few solid images in an edit. cut out some of the words that say the same thing or that don't add anything you would have a much improved poem.

my biggest nit was the 2 lines in parenthesis, somehow they didn't work at all for me.

all the above said. i'm sure the person you wrote it for loved it. and rightly so.

[Verbavore]

Thanks for the honest responses. You guys, once again picked up again on the major points for this one. Firstly, the meter was my main concern, so some of the phrasing is compromised, and since I wrote it 'stream of thought' I didn't consciously organize the ideas according to impact. (obviously I'm partial to the final lines, since I made that my 'signature'). As to the 'Hallmark' feel, that was directly in response to an approach that I thought the subject would understand.

[billy]

the two lines worked really well Vb

as to the hall mark remark i made, i felt it was so only in the 2nd verse. for me the 1st wasn't
i know from experience that a poem written for a special person will always be a special poem no matter how it is written.
i think it's often the act of writing it that carries all the passion. jmo