Faith Like a Child

[Sadie]

Revision:

When he said you won't make it
without faith like a child,

he didn't mean blindly stumble
but to cradle your faith
like a small child.

Hold it to your breast
as you run for life
along the spires
of this gauntlet wheel.

If you emerge,
head bent, your arms
bruised and battered

and the small thing
in your arms no longer
resembles a baby,
resembles anything
recognizable,

then,

thy faith has healed you.



Original:

When Jesus said
no one makes it
without faith like a child,
I think He meant

to cradle your faith,
like a small child
hold it to your breast
as you run
for life

along the spires
of this gauntlet wheel

and when you emerge
head bent, your arms
bruised and battered

the small thing
in your arms no longer
resembles a baby,
resembles anything
recognizable,

thy faith has healed you.

[billy]

When Jesus said
no one makes it
without faith like a child,
I think He meant

to cradle your faith,
like a small child
hold it to your breast
as you run
for life

along the spires
of this gauntlet wheel

and when you emerge
head bent, your arms
bruised and battered

the small thing
in your arms no longer
resembles a baby,
resembles anything
recognizable,

thy faith has healed you.

hi sadie, good to see you jumping into the deep end.
religious poetry isn't my thing but thats okay because if it's poetry it's poetry no matter the content.

for me the only ral solid image in the poem is;

along the spires
of this gauntlet wheel

i think you need to show us
a few more images. it feels telly,
which can be okay but usually in dialogue poetry.
it certainly has a understandable content
but for me it doesn't pull the reader into it enough.

stanza 4 and 5 i think well written, it flows well
and carries little packing.

would your work better than thy?

thanks for posting

[Sadie]

Thanks for the response.

As for the final line, I have to keep it, it's an allusion. If I changed it, it wouldn't recall the line from the Bible? I think?

I'll work on adding more images. Just wondering what you think the meaning is billy? Because I'm wondering if the reason you think that it feels telly and not full of images is because of the content of the poem, i.e. you feel you are being preached to because of the subject matter.

Because most of the poem is very concrete, and not abstract at all. Just wondered. I'm not saying I'm discounting your critique, but could you tell me what your interpretation of the poem is?

[billy]

Thanks for the response.

As for the final line, I have to keep it, it's an allusion. If I changed it, it wouldn't recall the line from the Bible? I think?

I'll work on adding more images. Just wondering what you think the meaning is billy? Because I'm wondering if the reason you think that it feels telly and not full of images is because of the content of the poem, i.e. you feel you are being preached to because of the subject matter.

Because most of the poem is very concrete, and not abstract at all. Just wondered. I'm not saying I'm discounting your critique, but could you tell me what your interpretation of the poem is?

yep i agree, it's very concrete.
for me a bit too concrete. the bible makes good use of metaphor
and imagery. though many passages are preachy they often show rather than tell. your poem as a whole has a meaning that can be gotten from the words but the words are telly (preachy)

the child grows up, the child is god (your faith in him)
that god can protect you if you allow him to.
but for him to allow you to grow (within your faith) you must grow within him.

is what i get.

of course it can also be said that the poem is a celebration but for me it doesn't feel so, jmo

and if i get it wrong, thats good as well, a poem needs to be seen on many levels.

[addy]

Thanks for the poem Sadie.

The cadence of your words is good, and I do think there's a lot of imagery here, since the entire scenario is a metaphor and not literal.

You probably don't need the comma at the end of the fifth stanza, after "recognizable". Also, in the first stanza, maybe you can rephrase the line "I think he meant" with something that sounds more concrete... that way you can maintain the momentum of the poem. Just suggestions.

A nice read.

[Sadie]

Thanks guys, I have made some edits, will continue to do so. Better, worse?

[billy]

Thanks guys, I have made some edits, will continue to do so. Better, worse?

not much of an edit but it goes to show, even a small edit can make a big improvement.

i think it's much better sadie.

still struggling with thy
but that's just me.

When he said you won't make it
without faith like a child,

he didn't mean blindly stumble
but to cradle your faith
like a small child.;

we can presume god is still here.
with that thought in mind, would it have been better to write it in present tense. IE;

he says you won't make it
without faith like a child

don't blindly stumble
but cradle your faith <----just an idea to be discarded or changed

the 2nd like a small child feels a bit redundant.
an image to show what you mean here would be great.

btw sadie, did i get the meaning of the content?

[Sadie]

More or less. The child doesn't necessarily grow up. It remains a child. You, battered and bruised through the gauntlet of life are the one who has changed, all to protect your faith. And when you make it through and check on your child, it is no longer recognizable.

The past tense is because it was Jesus who said those words at a particular time in the past. He doesn't continue to say it today, even though he may be still there today.

I wanted to differentiate between the way that people usually interpret that parable and the way that I present it in this poem.

We are to be as children coming to him. But the poem is saying that the faith is the child and we are to protect it as you would protect a child.

That's why I partially feel like I'm not being preachy. I'm saying that faith is weak and unless it becomes something so unlike what it is that you cannot recognize it, it is of no good at all.

I'll try to edit more tonight.

You replaced the second small child with "faith" which is the opposite of adding an image? I had an image and you changed it to an abstraction. I'm kind of not getting what you're talking about when you say images.

[billy]

I'll try to edit more tonight.

You replaced the second small child with "faith" which is the opposite of adding an image? I had an image and you changed it to an abstraction. I'm kind of not getting what you're talking about when you say images.

an image is great. but two of the same make one redundant, i know, i know what you're saying. <----1 too many "I knows"

i added faith as an example, you could use whatever you feel or even leave as is sadie.

When Jesus said
no one makes it
without faith like a child,
I think He meant you are telling not showing. (the image is; like a child) the same as the second image. i realize that parabolic (i think i just created anew word for; to do with a parable) poetry, or poetry about scripture has to be telly, or often it misses the point of who who said what where. often we can negate the problem by putting it in the presence tense. god may have said it;
when he said (past tense) nope, it's present tense talking past tense. the story teller could be in the now talking about god in the then.

we can say he says to mean (he says at any given point) but it's semantics and you must always do what you feel is right sadie.

lets use a non religious poem.

when dylan said
do not go gentle
into that goodnight
i think he meant all i did was tell you something.

Dylan dallied with
gentle goodies
retreaded the tyre
of old age's bicycle here i gave or tried to, an interpretation of what DT was saying. which was

Do not go gentle into that goodnight
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. jmo