Shortly After My Heart Attack

[billy]

Spread like a vestal virgin,
an offering for the altar

of medicine. The Filipino orderly
shaves the wire covered testicles.

Depilation comes at a price
as balls languish purple,

aubergines on tomato ketchup
bled from the twin sachet.

Bluntness of razor and lack
of Gillette shaving foam leaves

an unscratchible itch no caress
could soothe. Piss whizzes

amber through a clear catheter like a train
ploughing through the underground.

R2D2 fucks my flattened lungs to life with oral
forcing oxygen down a parchment throat.

Cannula stick me, pierce and prick. Ready
to suckle at me if I sleep.

[heslopian]

An outstanding poem which deftly mixes humour, horror and realism.
I know you won't like this comparison, but the poem recalled to me Sylvia Plath (now here me out). The images of hospital brutality, an inert form being invaded with tubes and by doctors and orderlies, coupled with a bleak humour which helps offset the violence, calls to mind certain poems in her bibliography.
That said, this is much cheerier and not as angry, though there's a lot of rage in it. I found myself wincing and laughing and admiring the concise skill of lines about shaving discoloured ball sacs, a reactionary trio not usually evoked all at once.
The simile involving the piss down the catheter was inspired; funny but also weirdly poignant.
The R2D2 line was of course hilarious.
I wish I could give you more feedback, but my only quibbles are thus:

1. A comma following the first line would improve the rhythm there, I think.
2. The singular "I" in the last sentence isn't capitalised.

[billy]

any comparison to a poet is okay for me jack
thanks for the kind words.

have redone the grammar you pointed out,
will reply to the ones you did tomorrow, i'm gonna see if i can one done before i go to bed

[addy]

Not much I can say now in terms of edit...it's got a great feel and lots of great images. The opening couplet with the vestal virgin could have been boring, but following that up with a dry observation of your testicles was inspired . The sense of macabre alienation and violation was excellently palpable... but its the course wit of the narration that really makes it shine.

The only thing I can see is I think the misspelling of "unscratchable". Other than that, this was very nicely done.

[heslopian]

The only thing I can see is I think the misspelling of "unscratchable".

Now why didn't I notice that while I was bitching about a lower case "I" and no comma after the first line? Man I'm a dullard sometimes

[billy]

Not much I can say now in terms of edit...it's got a great feel and lots of great images. The opening couplet with the vestal virgin could have been boring, but following that up with a dry observation of your testicles was inspired . The sense of macabre alienation and violation was excellently palpable... but its the course wit of the narration that really makes it shine.

The only thing I can see is I think the misspelling of "unscratchable". Other than that, this was very nicely done.

thanks for the kind words addy;

i went off the spelling of unmatchable i can't fine a spelling of unscratchable

thanks for the i to I jack

[addy]

yep, unscratchable is right far as I know ... I have no idea why the spellcheck isn't picking up on it.

[billy]

uncsratable it stays then
thanks addy