Sexuality

[heslopian]

Sex is like a messy creche.
No matter how many toys you pick up,
despite wading through piles of diapers,
throwing blocks and spare ragdolls
into plastic containers,
you'll never see the floor again
(or not in its entirety).
How long have I yearned to discover the touch
of a woman pleases me?
How often have I wanted to take a dear friend,
trusted female, but never quite managed
to become excited? I prefer women.
Just not in the sack.

[billy]

Sex is like a messy creche. is like needed?
No matter how many toys you pick up,
despite wading through piles of diapers,
throwing blocks and spare ragdolls
into plastic containers,
you'll never see the floor again
(or not in its entirety).
How long have I yearned to discover the touch
of a woman pleases me? would please work better, as is it feels a bit off
How often have I wanted to take a dear friend,
trusted female, but never quite managed
to become excited? I prefer women.
Just not in the sack.

can't see anything as such that doesn't work for me in this short piece jack
i feel a hint of sadness in the last few lines . maybe it's the dichotomy one faces in such a position. the analogy/simile works well

[heslopian]

Surely if I changed that word to just "please" the sentence wouldn't make sense?
Thanks for the kind words and feedback Billy. I think there's sadness in everything I write; I'm like Ian Curtis on a perpetual off day

[billy]

yeah pleases works, it just feel awkward

i do think please would work as as well. but it seems that's just me hehe.
.

[addy]

Sex is like a messy creche. Rephrase this? Something about it is weak for an opening
No matter how many toys you pick up,
despite wading through piles of diapers,
throwing blocks and spare ragdolls
into plastic containers,
you'll never see the floor again
(or not in its entirety).
How long have I yearned to discover the touch
of a woman pleases me? Technically its grammatically correct, but the phrasing in this sentence tripped me up a little as to its intended meaning.
How often have I wanted to take a dear friend,
trusted female, but never quite managed
to become excited? I prefer women.
Just not in the sack. Wry, funny, and perfect

I like the juxtapositions that you threw into this: the nursery compared to sex, contrasted to feminine sexuality (conjuring up a tangential relation to childrearing)... giving the wistful feel of a benign chaos.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback and kind words Addy I'll have a think about your suggestions.