Borzoi

[hylas]

Borzoi

Loping like a ghost along the wet black pavement,
the white dog is trotting on beside the gutter full
of moon-beams and blossom and delicate
orbs that are the images of skulls of mannequin
all leering like corpses from the sex-shop front.

[matsunosuperfan]

Borzoi

Loping like a ghost along the wet black pavement,
the white dog is trotting on beside the gutter full
of moon-beams and blossom and delicate
orbs that are the images of skulls of mannequin
all leering like corpses from the sex-shop front.

maybe "trots on" more active and better sound
same maybe for "mannequin skulls"
such an arresting image
great payoff at the end, enough weight accrued in the buildup that it doesn't feel like a cheap trick

yeah bravo

[busker]

Borzoi

Loping like a ghost along the wet black pavement,
the white dog is trotting on beside the gutter full
of moon-beams and blossom and delicate
orbs that are the images of skulls of mannequin
all leering like corpses from the sex-shop front.

“Trotting” doesn’t quite work for me here
The image will be a flash. A dog trotting past one particular stretch of road where N can see the reflection of a shopfront in the gutter. It’s a sports photograph. 

And how many things is he seeing in the gutter from N’s angle of vision?

The only way this could remotely work is if it’s a poem about a painting or a photograph.

Maybe lose the gutter and the reflection and just make it a dog trotting past a sex shop. But then you lose the moonbeams. Maybe make it a snail or a dead dog.

[rbamssy]

Borzoi

Loping like a ghost along the wet black pavement,
the white dog is trotting on beside the gutter full
of moon-beams and blossom and delicate
orbs that are the images of skulls of mannequin
all leering like corpses from the sex-shop front.

Sorry, I don't have much to critique about this one but I just wanted to stop by and say that I really like this poem. Thanks for making my day better.

[hylas]

Thank you all! I'm glad people liked it

I'll make both your changes Matsuno, they definitely improve it.

I agree with you Busker that there are various ways it could be improved, but like you say, I'm not sure what would survive the surgery. If it's of interest, I imagine it like: dog trotting up the opposite side of the street -> pan down to look at the reflections + blossoms (not reflections of blossoms) in the gutter / on the wet road -> pan up to look at the mannequins once the dog has passed them. I think I'm OK with it being a more cubist collage of perspectives if that doesn't seem feasible though.

[matsunosuperfan]

That's exactly how I received it, impressionist collage
No continuity issues for me
YMMV