to someone beautiful and tired

[HairyTwink III]

to someone beautiful and tired (V2)

The sharpness of your wit untested
By their blunt adoration. (you tell me they’re relentless)
The glimmer in your eye’s detested
In their awful trepidation. (now your lids swing shut and your head lulls low and still your fists are clenched)
You fear their fear and hate their lust
—misplaced and undesired. (“Let us taste! Let us touch!”)
They never rest (tag in/tag out) so you never rest (raw coffee beans and a teaspoon of sugar 6x a day)
You’re just so damn tired. (now you slip. But you won’t fall)
 
I think I know some of your pain,
Some of your truth and the disdain
You hold for those who would misname you. (Let us speak, let me hear)
I’ll keep your names on my tongue (can you remember all of mine?)
You’ll rest easy tonight with your phone by your ear
We’ll keep the line open. I can hear you snore on speaker.

to someone beautiful and tired

The sharpness of your wit untested
by the bluntness of their adoration
the glimmer in your eye detested
by them in their constant trepidation.
You fear their fear and hate their love
-- misplaced, uncalled for, undesired --
still they assail you as up above
in your fragile roost you grow tired.

(now it slips
it's bound to fall
keep your eyes open
and your wings spread)

I think I know some of your pain
a sliver of your truth and the disdain
you hold for those who would misname you.
You look like you could use a friend
on whom you can (for now) depend
to speak your name until the end.

[matsunosuperfan]

to someone beautiful and tired

The sharpness of your wit untested
by the bluntness of their adoration
the glimmer in your eye detested
by them in their constant trepidation.
You fear their fear and hate their love
-- misplaced, uncalled for, undesired --
still they assail you as up above
in your fragile roost you grow tired.

(now it slips
it's bound to fall
keep your eyes open
and your wings spread)

I think I know some of your pain
a sliver of your truth and the disdain
you hold for those who would misname you.
You look like you could use a friend
on whom you can (for now) depend
to speak your name until the end.

Hi and welcome! My first suggestion is don't rhyme. It's quite restrictive and is making you choose words and use funny syntax just so you can rhyme (the glimmer in your eye detested / by them).

My second suggestion is to give us more concrete imagery to motivate the abstract generalizations. Or to make the abstractions more personal and concrete themselves. The poem is written to "someone" but need not be so general as to apply to ANYONE - I think that lessens the emotional impact. Like Mary Oliver didn't just say "you do not have to be good," she said

You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert

Feel me? Thanks for sharing your poem, glad to have you here <3

[wasellajam]

Hi, first I love the title. Some notes:

to someone beautiful and tired

The sharpness of your wit untested
by the bluntness of their adoration
the glimmer in your eye detested
by them in their constant trepidation.
You fear their fear and hate their love
-- misplaced, uncalled for, undesired --
still they assail you as up above
in your fragile roost you grow tired.
I could use a some tweaks for clarity's sake, something like

The sharpness of your wit's untested
by the bluntness of their adoration, or ;
the glimmer in your eye's detested
in their constant trepidation.

The rhyme works well and is interesting until "up above", just no to the double just for form, and the next line is awkward, would normally be said "you grow tired in your fragile roost." It needs reworking.

(now it slips
it's bound to fall
keep your eyes open
and your wings spread)
Sympathetic advice and the loss of rhyme speaks a different more personally involved voice.

I think I know some of your pain
a sliver of your truth and the disdain
you hold for those who would misname you. Nice slant rhyme.
You look like you could use a friend
on whom you can (for now) depend meh, cliche.
to speak your name until the end. This line fails, doesn't say enough for me. And these three rhymes don't live up to the potential of your opening.

I'm not sure why she's up on that throne, the poem might gain from a little more insight into how she got in that position. Looking forward to seeing where you take this. I hope my notes are helpful, thanks for posting.

[HairyTwink III]

Thanks for the feedback!

This poem really started as part of a quick sonnet writing exercise (8/6 rather than 4/4/4/2 – my continental European is showing). I still like the idea of a sonnet that’s kind of about the opposite of a sonnet’s usual subject (how beautiful and desirable the addressee is) – or rather about the addressee’s struggles with that ‘desirability’. So, I want to keep some of (or at least some kind of allusion to) the original form and its classic conventions. By the way, this has to be sth that loads of people have already done. Can anyone think of some good examples?

I also like the idea of a second more intimate voice that breaks up the form and adds some tension.
I tried incorporating your feedback (re: unnatural syntax, some of the forced rhymes & specificity) and ran with that idea in my edit. Let me know what you think

[wasellajam]

Thanks for the feedback!

This poem really started as part of a quick sonnet writing exercise (8/6 rather than 4/4/4/2 – my continental European is showing). I still like the idea of a sonnet that’s kind of about the opposite of a sonnet’s usual subject (how beautiful and desirable the addressee is) – or rather about the addressee’s struggles with that ‘desirability’. So, I want to keep some of (or at least some kind of allusion to) the original form and its classic conventions. By the way, this has to be sth that loads of people have already done. Can anyone think of some good examples?

I also like the idea of a second more intimate voice that breaks up the form and adds some tension.
I tried incorporating your feedback (re: unnatural syntax, some of the forced rhymes & specificity) and ran with that idea in my edit. Let me know what you think

I’ll read your edit tomorrow, just want to say there are a ton of modern sonnets all over the site. You might start in the practice threads, here,