On Credibility

[matsunosuperfan]

On Credibility 


Little girls learn rape. They get it 
at school & at home. They learn
to scrape them, so their DNA is 
under your fingernails. They learn
to smile with the eyes & with the 
legs, to run. They learn how to absorb
the juice of strawberries, the naked
yellow seeds that look like raw 
polenta, & the sun that ripens 
them until they fill with sweetness men 
would kill to taste, & have, & the 
lessons of a mother who remembers 
how it feels to be a piece of fruit in 
someone else’s mouth. 

Prepared as such they gaze out 
through the windows at the world 
with big big eyes, confused about its 
status. Everything’s alive, the trees 
cough up a squirrel every thirty seconds, 
& the hose is prostrate on the lawn, 
crying its last regrets into a creeping patch 
of brown. How to feel unsafe in such a 
papier-mâché world? It looks so small
and brittle. One imagines it would break 
into a million shards if touched.

[busker]

On Credibility 


Little girls learn rape. They get it  
at school & at home. They learn
to scrape them, so their DNA is 
under your fingernails. They learn  ... sensory details, but there is some hyperbole at play
to smile with the eyes & with the 
legs, to run. They learn how to absorb
the juice of strawberries, the naked
yellow seeds that look like raw 
polenta, & the sun that ripens 
them until they fill with sweetness men 
would kill to taste, & have, & the   ...  great eye for detail
lessons of a mother who remembers 
how it feels to be a piece of fruit in 
someone else’s mouth.  ...  comes across as Guardian-style doom and gloom, but the metaphor is skilful

Prepared as such they gaze out 
through the windows at the world 
with big big eyes, confused about its ...the repetition overdoes the infantilisation
status. Everything’s alive, the trees 
cough up a squirrel every thirty seconds, 
& the hose is prostrate on the lawn, 
crying its last regrets into a creeping patch 
of brown. How to feel unsafe in such a 
papier-mâché world? It looks so small
and brittle. One imagines it would break 
into a million shards if touched.  ... this entire portion is gorgeous with its attention to detail. Coughing up a squirrel is original. The symbolism of the hose is clever. The danger hides in plain sight.

Hi matsun - this is a richly crafted piece. 

The topic itself is perhaps one that has been done to the death, but it's skilfully told nonetheless

[RiverNotch]

The frankness, for me, is fine. It makes it a solid, punchy read, fit for a solid, punchy theme. Maybe I'm not as well read as other critiques---maybe my feed isn't as inundated with anti-rape screeds as the general milieu might be---but, for me, this particular sort of social commentary has yet to tire. It's fine. Some specifics:

L1's opener is fine. It's blunt, but bluntness isn't always bad, not when it's supported enough with imagery as here.

Throughout, the line breaks seem arbitrary. Sometimes I find myself reading two lines as one, breaking the piece up in my own way. This is also fine---this is probably the point---this continues the sense of urgency introduced by L1's opening phrase, I think.

There is also a sense come L3, then come L6 (how does one smile with the legs, exactly?) of the piece being a patchwork, disparate parts stitched together into a barely coherent whole. Again, this is fine. From what I understand, women who have been raped tend towards a sense of self-incoherence soon after the fact. The piece being a patchwork delivers on that.

The fruit/food -> "lessons of a mother" image is, again, fine. It's gross, but the disgust is again the point.

By the second stanza, things calm down. There is a sense, now, that the "victim" has finally taken stock of things. Here, however, is maybe when things start to seem a hair---just a hair---more unpolished, more too-derivative.

"status", to me, rings of social media. I'm not sure it's the right word.

"the trees coughing up a squirrel every thirty seconds" is innocent, an observation an actual child would make, then suddenly "the hose is prostrate on the lawn"---plainly a phallus softened after release, to me, returning the reader to grossness. Again, it's fine, it works.

It's what comes after that's a little off. I don't myself like "How to feel unsafe in such a papier-mache world?" The main thrust is fine, it's just every other phrase is either a complete or a run-on sentence, and I don't see a reason why this should be a fragment.

The last three lines remind me of other poems, though I can't quite put my finger on which specifically. Maybe something by Louise Gluck? But it doesn't read like a deliberate reference: instead, it seems to me like the speaker is running out of things to say, yet knows that they must put a firm cap on things. Doesn't everything else already show what these three lines merely tell? And is this retelling, this summarizing, really necessary? I would suggest a wording less common-feeling than "it would break into a million shards when touched".

Fine work.

1779471730[/url]']
On Credibility 


Little girls learn rape. They get it 
at school & at home. They learn
to scrape them, so their DNA is 
under your fingernails. They learn
to smile with the eyes & with the 
legs, to run. They learn how to absorb
the juice of strawberries, the naked
yellow seeds that look like raw 
polenta, & the sun that ripens 
them until they fill with sweetness men 
would kill to taste, & have, & the 
lessons of a mother who remembers 
how it feels to be a piece of fruit in 
someone else’s mouth. 

Prepared as such they gaze out 
through the windows at the world 
with big big eyes, confused about its 
status. Everything’s alive, the trees 
cough up a squirrel every thirty seconds, 
& the hose is prostrate on the lawn, 
crying its last regrets into a creeping patch 
of brown. How to feel unsafe in such a 
papier-mâché world? It looks so small
and brittle. One imagines it would break 
into a million shards if touched.

[matsunosuperfan]

On Credibility 


Little girls learn rape. They get it  
at school & at home. They learn
to scrape them, so their DNA is 
under your fingernails. They learn  ... sensory details, but there is some hyperbole at play
to smile with the eyes & with the 
legs, to run. They learn how to absorb
the juice of strawberries, the naked
yellow seeds that look like raw 
polenta, & the sun that ripens 
them until they fill with sweetness men 
would kill to taste, & have, & the   ...  great eye for detail
lessons of a mother who remembers 
how it feels to be a piece of fruit in 
someone else’s mouth.  ...  comes across as Guardian-style doom and gloom, but the metaphor is skilful

Prepared as such they gaze out 
through the windows at the world 
with big big eyes, confused about its ...the repetition overdoes the infantilisation
status. Everything’s alive, the trees 
cough up a squirrel every thirty seconds, 
& the hose is prostrate on the lawn, 
crying its last regrets into a creeping patch 
of brown. How to feel unsafe in such a 
papier-mâché world? It looks so small
and brittle. One imagines it would break 
into a million shards if touched.  ... this entire portion is gorgeous with its attention to detail. Coughing up a squirrel is original. The symbolism of the hose is clever. The danger hides in plain sight.

Hi matsun - this is a richly crafted piece. 

The topic itself is perhaps one that has been done to the death, but it's skilfully told nonetheless

Thank you kindly for reading and commenting. My primary concern with this one is that it lands a bit flat as the topic is so familiar. I do think some of the moments where you noted the language may be a bit *too too* spring in part from that impulse to return to the traditional associations. Will push on that aspect in revision. Many thanks for the feedback <3

---

The frankness, for me, is fine. It makes it a solid, punchy read, fit for a solid, punchy theme. Maybe I'm not as well read as other critiques---maybe my feed isn't as inundated with anti-rape screeds as the general milieu might be---but, for me, this particular sort of social commentary has yet to tire. It's fine. Some specifics:

L1's opener is fine. It's blunt, but bluntness isn't always bad, not when it's supported enough with imagery as here.

Throughout, the line breaks seem arbitrary. Sometimes I find myself reading two lines as one, breaking the piece up in my own way. This is also fine---this is probably the point---this continues the sense of urgency introduced by L1's opening phrase, I think.

There is also a sense come L3, then come L6 (how does one smile with the legs, exactly?) of the piece being a patchwork, disparate parts stitched together into a barely coherent whole. Again, this is fine. From what I understand, women who have been raped tend towards a sense of self-incoherence soon after the fact. The piece being a patchwork delivers on that.

The fruit/food -> "lessons of a mother" image is, again, fine. It's gross, but the disgust is again the point.

By the second stanza, things calm down. There is a sense, now, that the "victim" has finally taken stock of things. Here, however, is maybe when things start to seem a hair---just a hair---more unpolished, more too-derivative.

"status", to me, rings of social media. I'm not sure it's the right word.

"the trees coughing up a squirrel every thirty seconds" is innocent, an observation an actual child would make, then suddenly "the hose is prostrate on the lawn"---plainly a phallus softened after release, to me, returning the reader to grossness. Again, it's fine, it works.

It's what comes after that's a little off. I don't myself like "How to feel unsafe in such a papier-mache world?" The main thrust is fine, it's just every other phrase is either a complete or a run-on sentence, and I don't see a reason why this should be a fragment.

The last three lines remind me of other poems, though I can't quite put my finger on which specifically. Maybe something by Louise Gluck? But it doesn't read like a deliberate reference: instead, it seems to me like the speaker is running out of things to say, yet knows that they must put a firm cap on things. Doesn't everything else already show what these three lines merely tell? And is this retelling, this summarizing, really necessary? I would suggest a wording less common-feeling than "it would break into a million shards when touched".

Fine work.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I think your notes match my own instincts about what's working and what could be better still. I want S1 to approach a familiar sentiment in a novel way, which I think it mostly does. But S2 is a bit reflexive in its summative gestures and the arc of the commentary feels expected. Thanks for calling this out - I'll work on keeping that high standard of inventive figuration and veer away from the more stock associative language and image.