When we cleared her mother’s house
even the closet shelves were adorned,
edged with flat bands of crocheted bells.
Alice was steeped in ancestral tea:
sleek enameled silver, intricate
tatting starched into bowls, heavily
salted homemade food laced
with cream, buttered waffle hearts.
One year, missing some Christmas favorites
her family wouldn't touch, we dove
into a day-long recipe, a loaf of caraway
seeded meat in aspic, the start
of our late month lunches together,
her grinning face lit with youth.
Now the recipe is mine but today, checking
the spelling of Kalvesus, all I could find
was the Swedish Kalvsylta, no caraway.
A Way With Caraway (NaPM edit)
When we cleared Mawmaw's house
even the closet shelves were adorned,
edged with flat bands of crocheted bells;
originally from Norway, her father lost at sea.
Her daughter was steeped in ancestral tea:
sleek enameled silver, intricate
tatting starched into bowls, heavily
salted homemade food laced
with cream, brown bread slick with butter.
December heralded the baking marathon,
Alice knocked out a new cookie
every few days for two weeks, stacks
of tins piled high on every surface.
One year, missing some Christmas favorites
her family wouldn't touch, we dove
into a day-long recipe, a loaf of caraway
seeded meat in aspic, the start
of our late month lunches together,
her grinning face lit with youth.
Now the recipe is mine but today, checking
the spelling of Kalvesus, all I could find
was the Swedish Kalvsylta, no caraway.
Alice Welcomes Winter
Her parents were from Norway;
her grandfather lost at sea,
which her mom said was common.
When we cleared Mawmaw's house
even the linen closet shelves were adorned,
edged with flat bands of crocheted bells.
Alice was steeped in ancestral tea:
sleek enameled silver,
intricate tatting starched into bowls
heavily salted homemade food laced
with cream and butter that no one could resist
and thinly sliced brown bread
topped with egg and anchovies.
December began with the first cookie bake;
she knocked out a new type every other day
for two weeks as the stacks of tins
piled up on every surface.
One year, missing some Christmas favorites
her family wouldn't touch,
we dove into a day long recipe that resulted
in an a loaf of aspic, meat and caraway,
the start of our late month lunches together,
her grinning face lit with youth.
When she could no longer handle
the many steps I did, but today
when I went to check
the spelling of Kalvesus
all I could find was the Swedish kalvsylta,
no caraway.
(04-17-2026, 01:12 AM)wasellajam Wrote: A Way With Caraway (NaPM edit)
This is how I would rearrange the stanzas to better tell the story:
One year, missing some Christmas favorites
her family wouldn't touch, we dove
into a day-long recipe, a loaf of caraway
seeded meat in aspic, the start
of our late month lunches together,
her grinning face lit with youth.
Now the recipe is mine but today, checking
the spelling of Kalvesus, all I could find
was the Swedish Kalvsylta, no caraway.
Her daughter was steeped in ancestral tea:
sleek enameled silver, intricate
tatting starched into bowls, heavily
salted homemade food laced
with cream, brown bread slick with butter.
When we cleared Mawmaw's house
even the closet shelves were adorned,
edged with flat bands of crocheted bells;
originally from Norway, her father lost at sea.
December heralded the baking marathon,
Alice knocked out a new cookie
every few days for two weeks, stacks
of tins piled high on every surface.
Thank you for sharing, I had a great time reading about Mawmaw! - Deor Ana Log
(04-17-2026, 01:12 AM)wasellajam Wrote: A Way With Caraway (NaPM edit)
This is how I would rearrange the stanzas to better tell the story:
One year, missing some Christmas favorites
her family wouldn't touch, we dove
into a day-long recipe, a loaf of caraway
seeded meat in aspic, the start
of our late month lunches together,
her grinning face lit with youth.
Now the recipe is mine but today, checking
the spelling of Kalvesus, all I could find
was the Swedish Kalvsylta, no caraway.
Her daughter was steeped in ancestral tea:
sleek enameled silver, intricate
tatting starched into bowls, heavily
salted homemade food laced
with cream, brown bread slick with butter.
When we cleared Mawmaw's house
even the closet shelves were adorned,
edged with flat bands of crocheted bells;
originally from Norway, her father lost at sea.
December heralded the baking marathon,
Alice knocked out a new cookie
every few days for two weeks, stacks
of tins piled high on every surface.
Thank you for sharing, I had a great time reading about Mawmaw! - Deor Ana Log
Hi, Deor, thanks for reading. If you click on the forum name (in this case Mild to Moderate Critique) you'll see the posting guidelines for that specific forum. They vary from forum to forum and will give you an idea of appropriate comments for each.
Oh, I just saw your rearrangement, putting your comments that are within the body of the poem in bold or a color will help bring attention to them. Thanks for the suggestions.
You do not have even a single bare spot here. It’s colorful and maximalist and I adore it and it needs some work. I’m going to think about it for a bit.
First pass:
Narration is strong. Good, because it cuts through the maximalism. A path through the piles.
Meemaw - Alice - daughter - narrator. A lot of characters for 5 stanzas. 4 people? Or 3? It’s hovering on becoming crowded, not cheerfully so.
Fixating on the phrase “originally from Norway”. Originally. That is bugging me. Why? I don’t know. It should work, because the word conveys a provenance and this poem is about provenance. But it is bugging me.
There are maybe 3 poems here. Or 4, like characters waving.
(04-17-2026, 10:48 PM)thewilderhen Wrote: You do not have even a single bare spot here. It’s colorful and maximalist and I adore it and it needs some work. I’m going to think about it for a bit.
First pass:
Narration is strong. Good, because it cuts through the maximalism. A path through the piles.
Meemaw - Alice - daughter - narrator. A lot of characters for 5 stanzas. 4 people? Or 3? It’s hovering on becoming crowded, not cheerfully so.
Fixating on the phrase “originally from Norway”. Originally. That is bugging me. Why? I don’t know. It should work, because the word conveys a provenance and this poem is about provenance. But it is bugging me.
There are maybe 3 poems here. Or 4, like characters waving.
Thank you so much for posting!!! I was hoping the cast was more identifiable but if the poem is interesting enough for you to come back I’ll be patient. This is me trying to edit on my own lol. I shuffled and cut and may have left total confusion. I won’t say anymore hoping you’ll come back and let me know how it reads.
When we cleared Mawmaw's house
even the closet shelves were adorned,
edged with flat bands of crocheted bells;
originally from Norway, her father lost at sea.
—————————————————————————
were adorned, (were) edged - past perfect tense
lost - past tense
was steeped - past perfect tense
Use of pp tenses now makes a link: closet shelves, daughter: reinforced by yr description of daughter as receiver of tea, receptacle. The rest of the verse supports this, focusing on items, things made. Side effect: it could be argued that you’re saying the *daughter* is sleek enameled silver, etc. (would be a pedantic argument, though).
—————————————————————————
Her daughter was steeped in ancestral tea:
sleek enameled silver, intricate
tatting starched into bowls, heavily
salted homemade food laced
with cream, brown bread slick with butter.
—————————————————————————
tea steeper, tatting, lace: nice. Calls to mind the hole-y kind of quality the official versions of familial memories have. Kind of interrupted by “slick”, an unpleasant word imo. So do you play with the unpleasant note, or do you replace? “Salted” could be aligned with holes, lace, scattering, if you change from adjective to noun. But speaking past poetic artiface, your lines
heavily / salted homemade food laced / with cream, brown bread slick with butter
make me homesick for my Yiddish-speaking great-grandmother. Her house smell and her painted wooden floors.
—————————————————————————
December heralded the baking marathon,
Alice knocked out a new cookie
every few days for two weeks, stacks
of tins piled high on every surface.
One year, missing some Christmas favorites
her family wouldn't touch, we dove
into a day-long recipe, a loaf of caraway
seeded meat in aspic, the start
of our late month lunches together,
—————————————————————————
This poem becomes relentless, two vivid scenes. It’s in motion, a sketch. Is the relentlessness the point of the poem, or does the vividness of the poem as a whole begin to suffer here? You have choices here, when (please not if) you continue to develop this. (I have cravings for aspic roughly every five years, and you remind me it’s due)
—————————————————————————
her grinning face lit with youth.
Now the recipe is mine but today, checking
the spelling of Kalvesus, all I could find
was the Swedish Kalvsylta, no caraway.
—————————————————————————
her grinning face lit with youth: I love this line.
I love this ending, too. It grounds things back. And now, we’re back to the narrator who is a receptacle, too, for their family. And confronting a hole in the lace: a problem. An unusual problem, which is usually what family is good at providing. As the phrase goes, “as is tradition…”
Thanks for coming back, I can’t thank you enough for volunteering to work on this with me (yes, that’s what you’ve done lol). Your critique is clear and thought provoking. Some issues I’d like to discuss:
(Yesterday, 12:08 PM)thewilderhen Wrote: When we cleared Mawmaw's house
even the closet shelves were adorned,
edged with flat bands of crocheted bells;
originally from Norway, her father lost at sea.
—————————————————————————
were adorned, (were) edged - past perfect tense
lost - past tense
was steeped - past perfect tense
Use of pp tenses now makes a link: closet shelves, daughter: reinforced by yr description of daughter as receiver of tea, receptacle. The rest of the verse supports this, focusing on items, things made. Side effect: it could be argued that you’re saying the *daughter* is sleek enameled silver, etc. (would be a pedantic argument, though).
I often get my tenses jumbled, do you think this is sound? I was thinking of adding was, “her father was lost at sea”. Yeah or nay? Is it clear this is Mawmaw’s father?
I was hoping the colon after “tea” would allow the list that follows, is that not working? I added the silver as something concrete to be handed down as the rest is ephemeral.
—————————————————————————
Her daughter was steeped in ancestral tea:
sleek enameled silver, intricate
tatting starched into bowls, heavily
salted homemade food laced
with cream, brown bread slick with butter.
—————————————————————————
tea steeper, tatting, lace: nice. Calls to mind the hole-y kind of quality the official versions of familial memories have. Kind of interrupted by “slick”, an unpleasant word imo. So do you play with the unpleasant note, or do you replace? “Salted” could be aligned with holes, lace, scattering, if you change from adjective to noun. But speaking past poetic artiface, your lines
heavily / salted homemade food laced / with cream, brown bread slick with butter
make me homesick for my Yiddish-speaking great-grandmother. Her house smell and her painted wooden floors.
Possibilities:
tatting starched into bowls, salt-
heavy homemade food laced
tatting starched into bowls, salt
laden homemade food laced
I’ll have to think on whether salt or heavily is the better break, thanks for making me think about that.
I liked sleek/slick, to me they were both slippery as opposed to harsh, I’ll think on that.
The original:
thinly sliced brown bread
topped with egg and anchovies
got condensed but now you’ve got me missing those yellow rings draped with anchovies, a call back to Norway and the sea. And what about the heart-shaped waffles, the bowl of sour cream batter sitting in the fridge overnight.
You see my problem? lol But thank you for getting airy sieve I was aiming for.
—————————————————————————
December heralded the baking marathon,
Alice knocked out a new cookie
every few days for two weeks, stacks
of tins piled high on every surface.
One year, missing some Christmas favorites
her family wouldn't touch, we dove
into a day-long recipe, a loaf of caraway
seeded meat in aspic, the start
of our late month lunches together,
—————————————————————————
This poem becomes relentless, two vivid scenes. It’s in motion, a sketch. Is the relentlessness the point of the poem, or does the vividness of the poem as a whole begin to suffer here? You have choices here, when (please not if) you continue to develop this. (I have cravings for aspic roughly every five years, and you remind me it’s due)
So here, the frantic feel of December was intentional, the most insane time to dig up a day long recipe but looking at it now it’s possible the poem would not suffer from the loss of the whole cookie strophe. Gonna give it a try.
—————————————————————————
her grinning face lit with youth.
Now the recipe is mine but today, checking
the spelling of Kalvesus, all I could find
was the Swedish Kalvsylta, no caraway.
—————————————————————————
her grinning face lit with youth: I love this line. Thank you for loving this line, I do too and was hoping it worked well enough not to mess with it.
I love this ending, too. It grounds things back. And now, we’re back to the narrator who is a receptacle, too, for their family. And confronting a hole in the lace: a problem. An unusual problem, which is usually what family is good at providing. As the phrase goes, “as is tradition…”
Wondering what you think of the title, too coy?
Sorry to chew your ear off, that’s just me thinking. Again, thanks so much for your time and insight.
We missed your initial objection to “originally”, it’s possible that line could be cut and the title include Norway/caraway.
A lovely piece. Some word choices I'm not one hundred percent convinced by, but the poem as a whole strongly communicates that warmth that comes with the sharing of food knowledge between generations in families.
(04-17-2026, 01:12 AM)wasellajam Wrote: A Way With Caraway (NaPM edit)
When we cleared Mawmaw's house
even the closet shelves were adorned,
edged with flat bands of crocheted bells;
originally from Norway, her father lost at sea. This stanza, as an opening, does a nice job of characterizing Mawmaw. I'm wondering if the semi-colon might be adding a bit of confusion as to whether the speaker is saying these things that Mawmaw had are from Norway or if she herself is from Norway. Or both, why not. As the poem reads on it becomes obvious, but maybe just having this as its own sentence, as a sentence fragment, would smooth out that initial reading. A small thing to consider.
Her daughter was steeped in ancestral tea: Love this. Steeped=surrounded, by echoes of the motherland
sleek enameled silver, intricate
tatting starched into bowls, heavily Very nice image, love starched
salted homemade food laced
with cream, brown bread slick with butter. Now this stanza is characterizing the speaker, which I appreciate how it subtly does using the language of an outside POV. "Slick" is a word that stuck out to me. I'm wondering if there's a better substitute. It sticks out to me because slick is a word concerning a tactile sense, as in, I'm not touching/holding a piece of toast by the sides I butter. So while it's definitely true that butter slickens the surface of a piece of toast, it's not a sense that should stick out in the memory of eating toast. Typing this out it sounds silly to me but I hope I'm making sense.
December heralded the baking marathon, Why "the" instead of "a"? If it's a recurring thing, maybe a detail to suggest that? Could be as simply as rewording: December heralds the baking marathon
Alice knocked out a new cookie New cookie meaning a different kind of cookie, but batches of em, is my reading
every few days for two weeks, stacks
of tins piled high on every surface. This might be a dialect thing, and thus an irrelevant point since I'm just not in the know, but I'm left wanting to know, tin what? Tin cans don't seem right for cookies.
One year, missing some Christmas favorites
her family wouldn't touch, we dove
into a day-long recipe, a loaf of caraway
seeded meat in aspic, the start
of our late month lunches together, No comments on this stanza; solid
her grinning face lit with youth. I don't believe grinning is necessary, lit with youth does the work
Now the recipe is mine but today, checking
the spelling of Kalvesus, all I could find
was the Swedish Kalvsylta, no caraway. Beautiful. Makes me think that the caraway was just Mawmaw's thing, which brings more sentimentality to the herb for the speaker
Thank you so much for taking the time to explain your points so clearly.
(11 hours ago)alonso ramoran Wrote: Hi ella,
A lovely piece. Some word choices I'm not one hundred percent convinced by, but the poem as a whole strongly communicates that warmth that comes with the sharing of food knowledge between generations in families.
(04-17-2026, 01:12 AM)wasellajam Wrote: A Way With Caraway (NaPM edit)
When we cleared Mawmaw's house
even the closet shelves were adorned,
edged with flat bands of crocheted bells;
originally from Norway, her father lost at sea. This stanza, as an opening, does a nice job of characterizing Mawmaw. I'm wondering if the semi-colon might be adding a bit of confusion as to whether the speaker is saying these things that Mawmaw had are from Norway or if she herself is from Norway. Or both, why not. As the poem reads on it becomes obvious, but maybe just having this as its own sentence, as a sentence fragment, would smooth out that initial reading. A small thing to consider. Thanks for pointing out this issue, I’ll see if I can clear this up.
Her daughter was steeped in ancestral tea: Love this. Steeped=surrounded, by echoes of the motherland
sleek enameled silver, intricate
tatting starched into bowls, heavily Very nice image, love starched
salted homemade food laced
with cream, brown bread slick with butter. Now this stanza is characterizing the speaker, which I appreciate how it subtly does using the language of an outside POV. "Slick" is a word that stuck out to me. I'm wondering if there's a better substitute. It sticks out to me because slick is a word concerning a tactile sense, as in, I'm not touching/holding a piece of toast by the sides I butter. So while it's definitely true that butter slickens the surface of a piece of toast, it's not a sense that should stick out in the memory of eating toast. Typing this out it sounds silly to me but I hope I'm making sense. That absolutely makes sense, 2 readers anti-slick is two too many, maybe thick, maybe something else.
December heralded the baking marathon, Why "the" instead of "a"? If it's a recurring thing, maybe a detail to suggest that? Could be as simply as rewording: December heralds the baking marathon
Alice knocked out a new cookie New cookie meaning a different kind of cookie, but batches of em, is my reading
every few days for two weeks, stacks
of tins piled high on every surface. This might be a dialect thing, and thus an irrelevant point since I'm just not in the know, but I'm left wanting to know, tin what? Tin cans don't seem right for cookies. I like the sound of “heralds” but can’t use it because I frequently get my tenses tangled up and am trying to be clearly in the past until the last lines. Yes, that’s what I meant by “new”. Where I am cookie tin are a thing, about 6 inched high and a foot across with removable lids. But these lines have multiple issues, if I keep them I’ll do something else there.
One year, missing some Christmas favorites
her family wouldn't touch, we dove
into a day-long recipe, a loaf of caraway
seeded meat in aspic, the start
of our late month lunches together, No comments on this stanza; solid
her grinning face lit with youth. I don't believe grinning is necessary, lit with youth does the work
Now the recipe is mine but today, checking
the spelling of Kalvesus, all I could find
was the Swedish Kalvsylta, no caraway. Beautiful. Makes me think that the caraway was just Mawmaw's thing, which brings more sentimentality to the herb for the speaker Cutting “grinning” is interesting, you may be right on that, I’ll sit with it.
Thank you for sharing.
My characters and timeframes seem to be a bit slippy-slidey. I’m waffling between trying to be clearer and feeling okay with that. Your critique will surely be useful going into an edit, greatly appreciated!
(04-17-2026, 01:12 AM)wasellajam Wrote: December heralded the baking marathon, Why "the" instead of "a"? If it's a recurring thing, maybe a detail to suggest that? Could be as simply as rewording: December heralds the baking marathon
Alice knocked out a new cookie New cookie meaning a different kind of cookie, but batches of em, is my reading
every few days for two weeks, stacks
of tins piled high on every surface. This might be a dialect thing, and thus an irrelevant point since I'm just not in the know, but I'm left wanting to know, tin what? Tin cans don't seem right for cookies. I like the sound of “heralds” but can’t use it because I frequently get my tenses tangled up and am trying to be clearly in the past until the last lines. Yes, that’s what I meant by “new”. Where I am cookie tin are a thing, about 6 inched high and a foot across with removable lids. But these lines have multiple issues, if I keep them I’ll do something else there.
You can probably give yourself a bit of slack when handling the tenses, especially in this case. To me, the function of this line is to familiarize the reader with Alice's baking rituals, and then the rest follows in past tense. So really, you're still keeping the speaker in the past until those last lines. It could also possibly help to give us a detail to anchor us in this specific instance of Mawmaw baking cookies so we don't think it's just another instance of her seasonal baking.
I saw in other feedback that it was not clear how many people were in the poem, and I just wanted to say that I thought it maintained 2 characters (technically 1, excluding the speaker) throughout the poem. I stumbled a bit at "Alice", but I worked out that she is Mawmaw, just referred to by her given name.
(04-17-2026, 01:12 AM)wasellajam Wrote: December heralded the baking marathon, Why "the" instead of "a"? If it's a recurring thing, maybe a detail to suggest that? Could be as simply as rewording: December heralds the baking marathon
Alice knocked out a new cookie New cookie meaning a different kind of cookie, but batches of em, is my reading
every few days for two weeks, stacks
of tins piled high on every surface. This might be a dialect thing, and thus an irrelevant point since I'm just not in the know, but I'm left wanting to know, tin what? Tin cans don't seem right for cookies. I like the sound of “heralds” but can’t use it because I frequently get my tenses tangled up and am trying to be clearly in the past until the last lines. Yes, that’s what I meant by “new”. Where I am cookie tin are a thing, about 6 inched high and a foot across with removable lids. But these lines have multiple issues, if I keep them I’ll do something else there.
You can probably give yourself a bit of slack when handling the tenses, especially in this case. To me, the function of this line is to familiarize the reader with Alice's baking rituals, and then the rest follows in past tense. So really, you're still keeping the speaker in the past until those last lines. It could also possibly help to give us a detail to anchor us in this specific instance of Mawmaw baking cookies so we don't think it's just another instance of her seasonal baking.
I saw in other feedback that it was not clear how many people were in the poem, and I just wanted to say that I thought it maintained 2 characters (technically 1, excluding the speaker) throughout the poem. I stumbled a bit at "Alice", but I worked out that she is Mawmaw, just referred to by her given name.
Thank you, you’ve helped me see where I’m confusing my reader, makes perfect sense to me lol, may need to reshuffle or let go of something. Big help!!
So I rewrote S3, the cookie lines, then cut it. Hopefully you'll let me know if it's missed, I can always slip it back in. I also tried to clarify, hopefully I haven't messed with its heart. All crit welcome.
