Ode To MP3 Players

[jaw_me]

Ode To MP3 Players

and cheap chinese speakers

intoning soullessly 'bluetooth device

is connected successfully'

I realized that a song always smells

like the first place your ears caught it

burning. A song always smells like

the breath of someone else

and it's a kind of magic

isn't it? to lift a song in

and out of your back pocket

to slap it like a band-aid,

over an open wound, over broken glass

to taste it like fresh heartbreak

on a monday morning, like orange molasses

steeped too long in sunlight

[wasellajam]

Hi, welcome to the pen! I’ve been enjoying this poem, I’ve put some notes below,

Ode To MP3 Players


and cheap chinese speakers
intoning soullessly 'bluetooth device
is connected successfully'


I realized that a song always smells
like the first place your ears caught it
burning. A song always smells like
the breath of someone else
You may not need “I realized that”, if you feel you do possibly “That’s when I realized “.
Using small vs feel worked for me, made me stop and think about if music is scented for me, if I might be missing something by not having that association.
And this reads beautifully.

and it's a kind of magic
isn't it? to lift a song in
and out of your back pocket
I like “isn’t it”, it worked to bring me personally into the poem.

to slap it like a band-aid,
over an open wound, over broken glass
to taste it like fresh heartbreak
on a monday morning, like orange molasses
steeped too long in sunlight

Here I had more trouble.
You might loose the comma after band-aid.
“over broken glass” was just a distraction for me.
I can’t buy “orange molasses”, I picture dark brown and can’t figure it changing in the sun. Although it may exist I couldn’t find an image of a light hued molasses.
Which leaves:

to slap it like a band-aid
over an open wound,
to taste it like fresh heartbreak
on a monday morning.

That’s my preference.

I hope my notes are helpful, thanks for the read, I hope you enjoy the site.

[Magpie]

Nice poem, I like the idea, however wrong it may seem, of a song having a 'smell'

and although I really like the imagery at the end my first thought was, "can you get orange molasses?"

is 'a kind of magic' cliché? probably not if it was in quotation marks, then I would see it as a musical reference to the Queen song.

Welcome to the site,
Cheers for the read.

[jaw_me]

Hi, welcome to the pen! I’ve been enjoying this poem, I’ve put some notes below,

Ode To MP3 Players


and cheap chinese speakers
intoning soullessly 'bluetooth device
is connected successfully'


I realized that a song always smells
like the first place your ears caught it
burning. A song always smells like
the breath of someone else
You may not need “I realized that”, if you feel you do possibly “That’s when I realized “.
Using small vs feel worked for me, made me stop and think about if music is scented for me, if I might be missing something by not having that association.
And this reads beautifully.

and it's a kind of magic
isn't it? to lift a song in
and out of your back pocket
I like “isn’t it”, it worked to bring me personally into the poem.

to slap it like a band-aid,
over an open wound, over broken glass
to taste it like fresh heartbreak
on a monday morning, like orange molasses
steeped too long in sunlight

Here I had more trouble.
You might loose the comma after band-aid.
“over broken glass” was just a distraction for me.
I can’t buy “orange molasses”, I picture dark brown and can’t figure it changing in the sun. Although it may exist I couldn’t find an image of a light hued molasses.
Which leaves:

to slap it like a band-aid
over an open wound,
to taste it like fresh heartbreak
on a monday morning.

That’s my preference.

I hope my notes are helpful, thanks for the read, I hope you enjoy the site.

Thank you so much for the feedback. yeah I really don't need the "I realized that". 

I got a bit carried away with the imagery on the last stanza haha, I'll need to rework it 
plus I don't really like the "fresh heartbreak" simile anymore so I'll probably just swap it out

thanks again

[jaw_me]

Nice poem, I like the idea, however wrong it may seem, of a song having a 'smell'

and although I really like the imagery at the end my first thought was, "can you get orange molasses?"

is 'a kind of magic' cliché? probably not if it was in quotation marks, then I would see it as a musical reference to the Queen song.

Welcome to the site,
Cheers for the read.

Thank you for the feedback   , I haven't heard the Queen song but I'll def check it out. 

I see what you mean about "it's a kind of magic" being a cliche, but if it's fine asides from
that I think I'd prefer to keep it as is, I'm trying to break my habit of going for the most shocking turn of phrase  

I'd honestly never heard of orange molasses either but I wanted a partial rhyme with glass 
so yeah, forcing the rhyme really came back to bite me

Thanks again !

[aaminarrh]

Ode To MP3 Players

and cheap chinese speakers

intoning soullessly 'bluetooth device

is connected successfully'

I realized that a song always smells

like the first place your ears caught it

burning. A song always smells like

the breath of someone else

and it's a kind of magic

isn't it? to lift a song in

and out of your back pocket

to slap it like a band-aid,

over an open wound, over broken glass

to taste it like fresh heartbreak

on a monday morning, like orange molasses

steeped too long in sunlight

Hii, be warned I'm still getting the hang of this critiquing thing! 

 My favourite line / lines from this poem would include S4 L4 and 5. Orange molasses, steeped too long in sunlight, a really good visualisation of summer nostalgia and as a fellow mp3/walkman player this is exactly the vibes I am getting with this text, I feel like thats a skill to have and you achieved it. To describe the feeling of nostalgia as something harmful through similes and visualisation- like broken glass over open wounds it clearly pinpoints a feeling across to the audience. S4 also is structured in a way that gives it more emotional connection, ifykwim (I'm not good with describing things like this), L3 "Like fresh heartbreak" a pause before the next line, this line reminds me of being a child and feeling my first experience of heartbreak - it is vulnerable.

There are some difficulties in reading the poem, I feel like some of the word choices are out of place (only my opinion) such as S2, L3 - I've learnt from critiques from others on my poems that it needs to be seperated/formatted in the way you would be reading it, it feels disconnected to add a period and not start on the next line, this can be simply fixed by adding a comma or dash, or new line obviously but it was just how I read it that disconnected me. I felt like this poem shouldnt have started with and - considering the title, I do not think the and is necessary in S3 either, I feel like the same effect happens regardless of the 'and' inclusion.

Overall, I really like how the topic of this poem in general is very unique and specific, a lot of people can connect with it emotionally and I think you have used language amazingly to get that point of 'nostalgia reconnection' across. I done as much as I could to list my own cons and pros of the poem!