falling for your bluff.

[jeanelyking]

falling for your bluff.

my descent arose
in the dive i made falling for you.
the further i fell,
the less of myself i held onto.

ribs strained to make room
for rancour i’d accrue.
naïvely praying someday,
my rest would soon ensue.

but through it all, you threw
all debris on me to bear.
every added ounce
left me further frayed with wear.

rifts and tears flayed the place
my heart used to be.
severed from the sleeve
that anchored me to the belief

that one day, the pain would pay off,
and the games you’d play
would wither away,
and i could finally stay off

the edge of this bluff
i’d hung so high from.
this hill i’d willingly die on.

mounted close to commune
with clouds we’d lain under,
i was now left to wonder
whether they’d extend the grace
of saving me at all.

at last, began to grasp
the cranes in our sky
only heightened my fall.

and you’d have the gall
to just watch me unravel.

i held on for our life, my dear.
yet still wallow in the gravel
of your grave mistakes.

[i have never written a poem before but i've been going through it lately lol and i ended up writing this, feedback would be greatly appreciated ]

---

falling for your bluff.

my descent arose
in the dive i made falling for you.
the further i fell,
the less of myself i held onto.

ribs strained to make room
for rancour i never outgrew.
naïvely praying someday,
my rest would ring due.

but through it all, you threw all
burdens on me to bear.
every added ounce
left me more worn with wear.

rifts and tears were left
where my heart used to be.
severed from the sleeve
that anchored me

to the belief
that one day, the pain would pay off,
and the games you'd play
would wither away,
and i could finally stay off

the edge of this bluff
i'd hung so high from.
this hill i'd willingly die on.

now mounted close to commune
with clouds we had laid under,
i was left to wonder
whether they'd extend the grace
of saving me at all.

at last, began to grasp
the cranes in our sky
would only deepen my fall.

and you'd have the gall to just watch it unravel.

i held on for our life, my dear.
yet still wallow in the gravel 
of your grave mistakes. 

[dukealien]

[i have never written a poem before but i've been going through it lately lol and i ended up writing this, feedback would be greatly appreciated ]

---

falling for your bluff.

my sorrowful descent began with the dive i made
as i fell in love with you.
the further i fell,
the less of myself i held onto.  establishes a motif of rhymes and near-rimes - useful for emphasis

my ribs strained as they made room
for resentment i never outgrew,
in hopes that someday
my rest would be due.

but through it all, you threw all
the load on me to bear.
every added ounce
left me further worn with wear.  nice change-up, was expecting the cliche "worn with care"

rifts and tears took up the space
that my heart used to be.
ripped off of the sleeve that once anchored me  variable stanza structure (3-5 lines) suggests narrator's unsteady state of mind

to the belief
that one day, the pain would pay off.
that the games you'd play
would wither away,
and i could finally stay  varied stanza length also keeps the reader guessing about where the rhyme will be

off the edge of this cliff
i'd hung so high from.
this hill i'd willingly die on.  cliche, but redeemed by tying back to the title and motif of mountain, hill, promontory

mounting me closer to commune  perhaps more active - "i mounting closer to commune" or similar
with the clouds we once dreamed under;
left to wonder
whether they'd extend the grace
of saving me at all.  nice changeup of "saving grace"

instinct had me grasp
that these cranes in our sky  arresting image of cranes in shared sky
would only further my fall.

and you'd have the gall to just watch it unravel.  nice internal rhyme at mid-line

i fought and swung for our dear life,
yet still crashed into the gravel of your grave mistakes. gravel...grave is good, with "grave" bringing in finality

In basic critique, this strikes me as kind of a rap - I hear it that way.  The narrator's unhappiness with both self and the (erstwhile) partner comes through strongly.

I do wonder if "bluff" is the right word - it does stand for a person's offering (bidding or betting) without actually having the value to deliver (in this case, real affection).  As well as a hill with at least one steep side, the metaphor you use throughout.  I guess I restrict the meaning of "bluff" to pretending strength rather than pretending about affection or commitment:  the point of a bluff is, it's an actual commitment but with nothing to back it up.  Which, again, is what's happening here... There's a deterrence aspect:  don't call my bluff, it will cost you if you're wrong.

Which only goes to show I, personally, haven't experienced or thought through how a snake in the grass actually operates.  The poem was, in that respect, an education.  The narrator was indeed fooled, and places the blame entirely on the partner; at no time does blame attach to the narrator for gullibility or neediness.

You might consider reading some of the other love poetry on this site - not many are this bitter, but you will find similarities in use of metaphors and partial rhyme.  I dare say you could write one from the point of view of the light lover (putting yourself in the betrayer's shoes)  or even a little lecture on telltales those seeking romance should beware.

[jeanelyking]

[i have never written a poem before but i've been going through it lately lol and i ended up writing this, feedback would be greatly appreciated ]

---

falling for your bluff.

my sorrowful descent began with the dive i made
as i fell in love with you.
the further i fell,
the less of myself i held onto.  establishes a motif of rhymes and near-rimes - useful for emphasis

my ribs strained as they made room
for resentment i never outgrew,
in hopes that someday
my rest would be due.

but through it all, you threw all
the load on me to bear.
every added ounce
left me further worn with wear.  nice change-up, was expecting the cliche "worn with care"

rifts and tears took up the space
that my heart used to be.
ripped off of the sleeve that once anchored me  variable stanza structure (3-5 lines) suggests narrator's unsteady state of mind

to the belief
that one day, the pain would pay off.
that the games you'd play
would wither away,
and i could finally stay  varied stanza length also keeps the reader guessing about where the rhyme will be

off the edge of this cliff
i'd hung so high from.
this hill i'd willingly die on.  cliche, but redeemed by tying back to the title and motif of mountain, hill, promontory

mounting me closer to commune  perhaps more active - "i mounting closer to commune" or similar
with the clouds we once dreamed under;
left to wonder
whether they'd extend the grace
of saving me at all.  nice changeup of "saving grace"

instinct had me grasp
that these cranes in our sky  arresting image of cranes in shared sky
would only further my fall.

and you'd have the gall to just watch it unravel.  nice internal rhyme at mid-line

i fought and swung for our dear life,
yet still crashed into the gravel of your grave mistakes. gravel...grave is good, with "grave" bringing in finality

In basic critique, this strikes me as kind of a rap - I hear it that way.  The narrator's unhappiness with both self and the (erstwhile) partner comes through strongly.

I do wonder if "bluff" is the right word - it does stand for a person's offering (bidding or betting) without actually having the value to deliver (in this case, real affection).  As well as a hill with at least one steep side, the metaphor you use throughout.  I guess I restrict the meaning of "bluff" to pretending strength rather than pretending about affection or commitment:  the point of a bluff is, it's an actual commitment but with nothing to back it up.  Which, again, is what's happening here... There's a deterrence aspect:  don't call my bluff, it will cost you if you're wrong.

Which only goes to show I, personally, haven't experienced or thought through how a snake in the grass actually operates.  The poem was, in that respect, an education.  The narrator was indeed fooled, and places the blame entirely on the partner; at no time does blame attach to the narrator for gullibility or neediness.

You might consider reading some of the other love poetry on this site - not many are this bitter, but you will find similarities in use of metaphors and partial rhyme.  I dare say you could write one from the point of view of the light lover (putting yourself in the betrayer's shoes)  or even a little lecture on telltales those seeking romance should beware.

thanks for your feedback! i keep making edits haha but yes i definitely think it has quite a musical element, as i guess that's the main way i consume poetry so i think it just seeped into my writing.

in terms of the use of "bluff", my intention was mainly to convey the idea of the deception at play. you made me realise connotations i didn't even intend for haha. I also do think i could've placed more blame on the narrator (in this case me lol), but this was mainly born out of anger. i have written non-poetic written pieces about this dynamic that are much more balanced though.

i do think it'd be fun to write a poem from the opposite point of view, and i will definitely look at more of the love poetry on here. thanks again!

[wasellajam]

Hi, Jean, Welcome to the Pen!

So it seems you've edited since you posted, which is a good thing but for members like me that return for repeated reads brewing a critique in their mind it's disorienting to find a different poem when it's unmarked as such. The remedy for this is here: How to post an edit.

That being said, my fault for being a slowpoke, I'll be back after a few (more timely) reads.
Happy to have you here, thanks for posting.

---

falling for your bluff.
Strong title full of info.

my descent arose
in the dive i made falling for you.
the further i fell,
the less of myself i held onto.
I like descent vs arose, strong start. I'm not sure if L3/4 add anything that isn't said more subtly in L1/2, just something to think about.

ribs strained to make room
for rancour i never outgrew.
naïvely praying someday,
my rest would ring due.
I've got some confusion here: "outgrew" makes me think you came to the relationship with it, maybe "outgrow", in fact, the whole poem may be stronger in the present tense, you might try it and see which you prefer. I'm having trouble making sense of "ring due", I like it as a play on "ring true" but still, something is off for me.

but through it all, you threw all
burdens on me to bear.
every added ounce
left me more worn with wear.
"burdens on me to bear." I think you could think of a more novel say to say this. I was hoping "worn with wear" would grow on me but it hasn't, in order for it to not sound written for the rhyme you may need to change "worn".

rifts and tears were left
where my heart used to be.
severed from the sleeve
that anchored me
I like the play on wearing your heart on your sleeve, the image goes a long way towards saving the cliche of L2. You might somehow get "rifts and tears" to introduce it more effectively. Fan of "severed from the sleeve".

to the belief
that one day, the pain would pay off,
and the games you'd play
would wither away,
and i could finally stay off
I like the increased speed you're developing here.

the edge of this bluff
i'd hung so high from.
this hill i'd willingly die on.
The second bluff, it works for me.

now mounted close to commune
with clouds we had laid under,
i was left to wonder
whether they'd extend the grace
of saving me at all.
I recall having an issue here originally, reads well to me now.

at last, began to grasp
the cranes in our sky
would only deepen my fall.
I can never get the cranes, for me these lines just get in the way.

and you'd have the gall to just watch it unravel.

i held on for our life, my dear.
yet still wallow in the gravel
of your grave mistakes.
Gravel/grave is lovely.

I sort of enjoyed the erratic rhymes and structure.

Okay, so this is a lot for the Basic Critique Forum but I think you can handle it and I wanted to post promptly before you changed anything. These are just my notes as a reader, take them or leave them. Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed reading it.

[jeanelyking]

Okay, so this is a lot for the Basic Critique Forum but I think you can handle it and I wanted to post promptly before you changed anything.  These are just my notes as a reader, take them or leave them. Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed reading it.

hi wasella,

thanks for the welcome !  

i can’t lie i did get carried away with repeatedly editing haha, i have a habit of doing that with my written pieces lol. i’ll definitely give what you linked a read for the future.

thank you also for the valuable feedback . in terms of the “cranes in our sky” part, it was sort of a nod to one of my favourite songs, Cranes in the Sky by Solange Knowles (i’d recommend giving it a listen if you haven’t already!); i felt like the meaning behind the song tied in well here and i often like to reference songs i enjoy in things i write, but can understand how it would be confusing without that context.

you’ve given me many things to consider, i’m sure i’ll be making more edits soon (properly this time lol)

[wasellajam]

Okay, so this is a lot for the Basic Critique Forum but I think you can handle it and I wanted to post promptly before you changed anything.  These are just my notes as a reader, take them or leave them. Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed reading it.

hi wasella,

thanks for the welcome !  

i can’t lie i did get carried away with repeatedly editing haha, i have a habit of doing that with my written pieces lol. i’ll definitely give what you linked a read for the future.

thank you also for the valuable feedback . in terms of the “cranes in our sky” part, it was sort of a nod to one of my favourite songs, Cranes in the Sky by Solange Knowles (i’d recommend giving it a listen if you haven’t already!); i felt like the meaning behind the song tied in well here and i often like to reference songs i enjoy in things i write, but can understand how it would be confusing without that context.

you’ve given me many things to consider, i’m sure i’ll be making more edits soon (properly this time lol)

So I listened to Solange's Cranes, turns out I had known but forgotten it. It's an interesting lyric:

But it's like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don't wanna feel those metal clouds

.

Birds vs the cranes on top of buildings that hover threateningly. When I read your lines now it's lovely and makes perfect sense but initially I just pictured the birds, no knowledge of the the song and what it is about and was lost. You have choices, you can leave it as an allusion that readers may not get but edit so it makes some sense on its own, a double meaning. Or you can lean in and without stealing her stuff create the image you want. Or you can leave it as is, a mystery to some readers, your poem.

Thanks for the listen, I especially like the live at camp flog gnaw.

[jeanelyking]

Okay, so this is a lot for the Basic Critique Forum but I think you can handle it and I wanted to post promptly before you changed anything.  These are just my notes as a reader, take them or leave them. Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed reading it.

hi wasella,

thanks for the welcome !  

i can’t lie i did get carried away with repeatedly editing haha, i have a habit of doing that with my written pieces lol. i’ll definitely give what you linked a read for the future.

thank you also for the valuable feedback . in terms of the “cranes in our sky” part, it was sort of a nod to one of my favourite songs, Cranes in the Sky by Solange Knowles (i’d recommend giving it a listen if you haven’t already!); i felt like the meaning behind the song tied in well here and i often like to reference songs i enjoy in things i write, but can understand how it would be confusing without that context.

you’ve given me many things to consider, i’m sure i’ll be making more edits soon (properly this time lol)

So I listened to Solange's Cranes, turns out I had known but forgotten it. It's an interesting lyric:

Birds vs the cranes on top of buildings that hover threateningly. When I read your lines now it's lovely and makes perfect sense but initially I just pictured the birds, no knowledge of the the song and what it is about and was lost.

yess i figured you may have heard it, but glad you’ve rediscovered it now ! love me some Solange, but yeah i definitely understand the confusion now, wasn’t thinking of the birds initially.

don’t want to rush into another edit, but im now thinking:

“the cranes hanging / suspended / stationed in our sky”

i’m leaning towards “stationed” because i like how it sounds in that stanza and suggests a kind of militant permanence, but i’d love to know your thoughts!

[wasellajam]

hi wasella,

thanks for the welcome !  

i can’t lie i did get carried away with repeatedly editing haha, i have a habit of doing that with my written pieces lol. i’ll definitely give what you linked a read for the future.

thank you also for the valuable feedback . in terms of the “cranes in our sky” part, it was sort of a nod to one of my favourite songs, Cranes in the Sky by Solange Knowles (i’d recommend giving it a listen if you haven’t already!); i felt like the meaning behind the song tied in well here and i often like to reference songs i enjoy in things i write, but can understand how it would be confusing without that context.

you’ve given me many things to consider, i’m sure i’ll be making more edits soon (properly this time lol)

So I listened to Solange's Cranes, turns out I had known but forgotten it. It's an interesting lyric:

Birds vs the cranes on top of buildings that hover threateningly. When I read your lines now it's lovely and makes perfect sense but initially I just pictured the birds, no knowledge of the the song and what it is about and was lost.

yess i figured you may have heard it, but glad you’ve rediscovered it now ! love me some Solange, but yeah i definitely understand the confusion now, wasn’t thinking of the birds initially.

don’t want to rush into another edit, but im now thinking:

“the cranes hanging / suspended / stationed in our sky”

i’m leaning towards “stationed” because i like how it sounds in that stanza and suggests a kind of militant permanence, but i’d love to know your thoughts!

Glad to hear you're not rushing to edit, many a poem has had the life edited right out of it trying to use all the good suggestions. You can trust me on that because I've done it myself more than once. That's why it's so important to keep all the past versions, if the poem moves too far you can always go back to the original and start again more gently.

So Solange: I am not the best person to advise you on this because I often miss allusions and have to google from any clue I'm given or just be lost. So for me the sound of "solange" would be lovely in there but someone else might say "Fuckem if they're so out of touch they don't get it."

at last, began to grasp
the cranes in our sky
would only deepen my fall.

“the cranes hanging / suspended / stationed in our sky”

IMO you should keep the line "The cranes in our sky" whole for its bird image and for "our". There's not much togetherness in the poem so it seems important. Looking at duke's crit now he also thought the "shared sky" was important. Maybe you can work stationed in after.
So I'd recommend writing it out a few different ways and then put it away for a few days then take a look and see what you think does the best job for the poem as a whole.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello jeanelyking

my descent arose don't think you need this line to open
in the dive i made falling for you.
the further i fell,
the less of myself i held onto.

ribs strained to make room
for rancour i’d accrue.
naïvely praying someday,
my rest would soon ensue. the accrue/ensue rhyme is forced a bit, for me

but through it all, you threw
all debris on me to bear.
every added ounce
left me further frayed with wear. once again forcing a rhyme, thereby limited your word choices

rifts and tears flayed the place hard to picture rifts and tears flaying like a knife might
my heart used to be.
severed from the sleeve not sure this line is working
that anchored me to the belief cool break to the next stanza

that one day, the pain would pay off,
and the games you’d play
would wither away,
and i could finally stay off another cool line break

the edge of this bluff good double entrendre here on bluff
i’d hung so high from.
this hill i’d willingly die on.

mounted close to commune
with clouds we’d lain under,
i was now left to wonder
whether they’d extend the grace
of saving me at all. this stanza is a bit clunky for me, with clouds extending grace

at last, began to grasp
the cranes in our sky
only heightened my fall. hard to grasp this image, as it seems out of place

and you’d have the gall
to just watch me unravel.

i held on for our life, my dear.
yet still wallow in the gravel
of your grave mistakes. The last two stanzas are really good, and the ending is too, though I have trouble picturing wallowing in gravel

A little tightening and you'll have a winner with this one.
... Mark

[ilovewomenandbeer]

falling for your bluff.

my descent arose
in the dive i made falling for you.
the further i fell,
the less of myself i held onto.

ribs strained to make room
for rancour i’d accrue.
naïvely praying someday,
my rest would soon ensue.

but through it all, you threw
all debris on me to bear.
every added ounce
left me further frayed with wear.

rifts and tears flayed the place
my heart used to be.
severed from the sleeve
that anchored me to the belief

that one day, the pain would pay off,
and the games you’d play
would wither away,
and i could finally stay off

the edge of this bluff
i’d hung so high from.
this hill i’d willingly die on.

mounted close to commune
with clouds we’d lain under,
i was now left to wonder
whether they’d extend the grace
of saving me at all.

at last, began to grasp
the cranes in our sky
only heightened my fall.

and you’d have the gall
to just watch me unravel.

i held on for our life, my dear.
yet still wallow in the gravel
of your grave mistakes.

[i have never written a poem before but i've been going through it lately lol and i ended up writing this, feedback would be greatly appreciated ]

---

falling for your bluff.

my descent arose
in the dive i made falling for you.
the further i fell,
the less of myself i held onto.

ribs strained to make room
for rancour i never outgrew.
naïvely praying someday,
my rest would ring due.

but through it all, you threw all
burdens on me to bear.
every added ounce
left me more worn with wear.

rifts and tears were left
where my heart used to be.
severed from the sleeve
that anchored me

to the belief
that one day, the pain would pay off,
and the games you'd play
would wither away,
and i could finally stay off

the edge of this bluff
i'd hung so high from.
this hill i'd willingly die on.

now mounted close to commune
with clouds we had laid under,
i was left to wonder
whether they'd extend the grace
of saving me at all.

at last, began to grasp
the cranes in our sky
would only deepen my fall.

and you'd have the gall to just watch it unravel.

i held on for our life, my dear.
yet still wallow in the gravel 
of your grave mistakes. 

I’m kinda new to poetry, but one thing I like to do is, when I imagine a scene, I try to describe it in my head with two words. It usually works when I’m trying to condense my imagery without explaining and just letting the imagery imply it.
For example:
rifts and tears were left
where my heart used to be.
severed from the sleeve
that anchored me

could be
rifts and tears left—
gaping heartache—
severed from anchoring sleeves.

I love the emotional weight—
but that’s one thing I’ve learned
while editing my poems:
I can make them stronger.

Hopefully this wasn't too overboard for basic.

[RiverNotch]

re allusion, i got it on the first read, having heard that song a bunch of times before. the song is so much simpler, so much more concrete and bluesier, so i can't say it really works here as an allusion, otherwise this piece really pales in comparison---better to just have it be a cribbed image.

but, uh, going back to the song, while its simplicity is not something you're going for, its concreteness is something half this poem seems to attempt, and i'd say concreteness is easier to work with for the poet that strives to make something decent than abstraction (and mixing the two like you try here takes the deftest hand of all). let's look at the second stanza, for instance:

ribs strained to make room
for rancour i’d accrue.
naïvely praying someday,
my rest would soon ensue.

"ribs strained to make room" is concrete, so good, but "to make room for rancour" is an abstraction, one that needs a lot more mental contortion to apprehend.

concreteness also tends to work better when you don't clump together images so much. let's look at the fourth stanza now:

rifts and tears flayed the place
my heart used to be.
severed from the sleeve
that anchored me to the belief

"flayed" is definitely concrete---good---but then it's immediately followed by "the place where my heart used to be", which is just overkill.

finally, there's something to be said about going for sound effects to make things sound more poetic, but with an inconsistency that instead makes it seem like parody. for one example, "my rest would soon ensue"---written that way, i bet, to maintain a rhyme scheme one eventually abandons---is just unproverbial. another example may be found in the last stanza:

i held on for our life, my dear.
yet still wallow in the gravel
of your grave mistakes.

"grave" just seems to be put in there for alliteration with "gravel". if the metaphors employed earlier were as dire as skinning a person's chest, then it's not really needed, not unless it was one word that completes the line's meter.

hope this helps in revising, or even writing something new.