This is not apocalypse. This is evening,
parousia red,
the longer waves surviving
what is left in air
of storm. Amaranthine waves,
renewing vision with sorrow,
fall upon us
shadows now embodied,
so blinded then
as not to see the other
and think,
how beautiful
how rare
Draft 1.5 - Post Rain Crepuscular
This is not apocalypse. This is evening,
parousia red,
the longest wave surviving crimson
past what is left in air
of storm. The longest wave
renewing vision
with sorrow,
waning into night,
falling upon us
shadows now embodied, so blinded
then as not to see the other
and think,
how beautiful
how rare
Draft 1 - Post Rain Crepuscular
This is not apocalypse. This is evening,
parousia red,
the longest wave surviving crimson
past what is left in air
of storm. The longest wave
renewing vision
with sorrow,
falling, waning into night,
upon us all,
shadows disembodied, so blinded
before as not to see the other
and think,
how beautiful
how rare
Revisit the violence of your opening line: this is —not— apocalypse. Actions of the above are graceful. Does this tension between (not) apocalypse and (gradual) waning serve to strengthen your poem, or is it holding it back?
Sudden introduction of “us”. Next line says (now) we are embodied. Suggests action, but “us” remains observing. “see the other” — is the sky receiving our embodiedness through our observation, then just becoming another observer? This feels as if sky is robbed of its agency (apocalypse, parousia suggest a visitor full of action, judgement, etc.). Gives the poem a charged (apocalyptic) beginning that then poofs out. I’d like more tension, personally. Or more dramatic waning.
(04-05-2026, 04:39 AM)thewilderhen Wrote: gerunds a bit muddled:
surviving
renewing
waning
falling
Revisit the violence of your opening line: this is —not— apocalypse. Actions of the above are graceful. Does this tension between (not) apocalypse and (gradual) waning serve to strengthen your poem, or is it holding it back?
Sudden introduction of “us”. Next line says (now) we are embodied. Suggests action, but “us” remains observing. “see the other” — is the sky receiving our embodiedness through our observation, then just becoming another observer? This feels as if sky is robbed of its agency (apocalypse, parousia suggest a visitor full of action, judgement, etc.). Gives the poem a charged (apocalyptic) beginning that then poofs out. I’d like more tension, personally. Or more dramatic waning.
Hey thewilderhen,
I cut some lines from the piece in hopes of focusing the poem and possibly heightening that tension. This was a poem more about a person's receiving of the sky and their embodiedness through the sky rather than the other way round. I hoped there would be other phrases that added to the metaphor of a second coming but maybe my job in that wasn't accomplished as well as I had thought.
Was the mention of "apocalypse" alone what lent some hint of violence to the opening line?
I cut some lines from the piece in hopes of focusing the poem and possibly heightening that tension. This was a poem more about a person's receiving of the sky and their embodiedness through the sky rather than the other way round. I hoped there would be other phrases that added to the metaphor of a second coming but maybe my job in that wasn't accomplished as well as I had thought.
Was the mention of "apocalypse" alone what lent some hint of violence to the opening line?
Heyo! Subject gets introduced relatively late in the poem, then. Re: violence. Just the way the consonants are. The hissing sounds of “this is”, the voiced fricatives in apocalypse. The calling of attention to red as the color of the sky. Like it. Keep at it.
(03-26-2026, 07:54 AM)alonso ramoran Wrote: My comments are in italics
*based on feedback from thewilderhen
Post Rain Crepuscular
This is not apocalypse. This is evening,
parousia red, a word you've taught me, suggesting the Second Coming?
the longer waves surviving
what is left in air why "air of storm" rather than "in the air after the storm"? you're cutting prepositions disrupts the flow of thought for this reader
of storm. Amaranthine waves,
renewing vision with sorrow, how can sorrow be vision or vision be sorrow: your thinking isn't clear here: what are you trying to say?
fall upon us
shadows now embodied,
so blinded then
as not to see the other the other who or what?
and think,
how beautiful
how rare why no full stop when you've used punctuation that was necessary up to this point?
You have something on the verge of an epiphany here but you need for brevity seems to be working against the possibility of one for the reader
Draft 1.5 - Post Rain Crepuscular
This is not apocalypse. This is evening,
parousia red,
the longest wave surviving crimson
past what is left in air
of storm. The longest wave
renewing vision
with sorrow,
waning into night,
falling upon us
shadows now embodied, so blinded
then as not to see the other
and think,
how beautiful
how rare
Draft 1 - Post Rain Crepuscular
This is not apocalypse. This is evening,
parousia red,
the longest wave surviving crimson
past what is left in air
of storm. The longest wave
renewing vision
with sorrow,
falling, waning into night,
upon us all,
shadows disembodied, so blinded
before as not to see the other
and think,
how beautiful
how rare
