Love - First poem post!

[Deeshon_]

Raw emotion unbounded
In it's purest form
Vulnerable in it's nature
A force compelling yet intangible
This certainty at it's peak
I no longer wonder what of the core of my individualism
Free of adversity
As I am ripped open, it pours out of me
But I welcome this with a smile
Drained from my anatomy and soul
I feel no hindrance
No shadow of regret
My feelings in absolution



This poem came to me with a struck of creativity from my actual personal feelings for my lover. Love is so unique that it is untaught but naturally understood. No one is taught how to love someone. There may be examples by already married couples however love comes in so many different forms, routines, and practices. It had to start from somewhere. Sure, sometimes I need validation that I am doing the right thing. Love can possibly take form in negative ways; jealousy, possessiveness, bitterness, etc. However the love that I experience retains a positive undertone, only ever in the best interest for the person my heart beats for. The fact that the feeling can manifest from my nervous system to physical form. A shiver up the spine, a tingle in the pit of my stomach, a skipped beat of my heart, it can seem so surreal. That is how I know this love is true.

[ilovewomenandbeer]

Raw emotion unbounded
In it's purest form
Vulnerable in it's nature
A force compelling yet intangible
This certainty at it's peak
I no longer wonder what of the core of my individualism
Free of adversity
As I am ripped open, it pours out of me
But I welcome this with a smile
Drained from my anatomy and soul
I feel no hindrance
No shadow of regret
My feelings in absolution



This poem came to me with a struck of creativity from my actual personal feelings for my lover. Love is so unique that it is untaught but naturally understood. No one is taught how to love someone. There may be examples by already married couples however love comes in so many different forms, routines, and practices. It had to start from somewhere. Sure, sometimes I need validation that I am doing the right thing. Love can possibly take form in negative ways; jealousy, possessiveness, bitterness, etc. However the love that I experience retains a positive undertone, only ever in the best interest for the person my heart beats for. The fact that the feeling can manifest from my nervous system to physical form. A shiver up the spine, a tingle in the pit of my stomach, a skipped beat of my heart, it can seem so surreal. That is how I know this love is true.

I like the emotional direction of this poem and the focus on vulnerability and inner feeling. One thought I had while reading is that sometimes it might be stronger to signify the love rather than explain it.

Your poem often tells us what the emotion means, but the moments that feel most powerful to me are the ones that simply suggest the feeling. 

sometimes i like to think just letting it exist can make it feel more raw and real.

For example:
Raw, unbounded
Vulnerable in nature
Its compelling intangible forces
Inevitable peaks
One’s individualism’s wondrous core
Free of adversity


when i read it your poem had a mythical tone to it, i hope i provided some insight.

[wasellajam]

Raw emotion unbounded
In it's purest form
Vulnerable in it's nature
A force compelling yet intangible
This certainty at it's peak
I no longer wonder what of the core of my individualism
Free of adversity
As I am ripped open, it pours out of me
But I welcome this with a smile
Drained from my anatomy and soul
I feel no hindrance
No shadow of regret
My feelings in absolution



This poem came to me with a struck of creativity from my actual personal feelings for my lover. Love is so unique that it is untaught but naturally understood. No one is taught how to love someone. There may be examples by already married couples however love comes in so many different forms, routines, and practices. It had to start from somewhere. Sure, sometimes I need validation that I am doing the right thing. Love can possibly take form in negative ways; jealousy, possessiveness, bitterness, etc. However the love that I experience retains a positive undertone, only ever in the best interest for the person my heart beats for. The fact that the feeling can manifest from my nervous system to physical form. A shiver up the spine, a tingle in the pit of my stomach, a skipped beat of my heart, it can seem so surreal. That is how I know this love is true.

Hi, Deeshon. I can see the effort you put in, the breaks are mostly strong and the poem generally reads smoothly.

I have not read your explanation as I want the poem to speak for itself. This is where I'm having a problem because so much of the language is "intangible"   What it the measurement that determines "purest"? You get the idea, go through the poem and see if you can substitute clear language or imagery.

We all need to decide whether or not line capitalization and punctation helps or hurts each particular poem. If you haven't considered it this would be a good time.

Thanks for posting, hope my comments help a bit.

[milo]

Hello, Deeshon, first and foremost, welcome to the Pen!!  If you love poetry (writing or reading) or love talking about poetry or maybe even just love talking this is the place to be.

The first poem is always tough and is, without exception, never going to be that good, but it is that step we take to learn.  

For me, there are a few obvious weaknesses you could work on:

1. Hyperbole - while it has its place, for the most part, it's not in poetry.  You use quite a bit here.
2. Abstractions - Pound said "go in fear of abstractions" and I agree as clear natural, concrete objects will always be stronger.  What is an abstraction?  I am glad you asked, it is a noun that does not exist in any tangible form.  Nouns like love, emotion, form, nature, force, certainty, individualism, adversity, soul, hindrance regret, feelings and absolution.
3. Good poetry shows the reader something and lets them decide what to think about it.  Don't tell me emotion is raw - demonstrate and I will decide.  Same for any other instances.

A great start!  Next best effort could be working on stripping out the abstractions, hyberbole and using real life instances or objects to show me what you mean.

Thanks for posting.

Raw emotion unbounded
In it's purest form
Vulnerable in it's nature
A force compelling yet intangible
This certainty at it's peak
I no longer wonder what of the core of my individualism
Free of adversity
As I am ripped open, it pours out of me
But I welcome this with a smile
Drained from my anatomy and soul
I feel no hindrance
No shadow of regret
My feelings in absolution



This poem came to me with a struck of creativity from my actual personal feelings for my lover. Love is so unique that it is untaught but naturally understood. No one is taught how to love someone. There may be examples by already married couples however love comes in so many different forms, routines, and practices. It had to start from somewhere. Sure, sometimes I need validation that I am doing the right thing. Love can possibly take form in negative ways; jealousy, possessiveness, bitterness, etc. However the love that I experience retains a positive undertone, only ever in the best interest for the person my heart beats for. The fact that the feeling can manifest from my nervous system to physical form. A shiver up the spine, a tingle in the pit of my stomach, a skipped beat of my heart, it can seem so surreal. That is how I know this love is true.

[alonso ramoran]

Deeshon,

My line-by-line suggestions will be cosmetic. Speaking on the poem's ideas: to say there's a lot in poetry that has been said about love would be a vast understatement. One could even say it's why people do the whole poetry thing at all but what do I know haha. The poem here has a nice rhythm to it when read aloud, but it's missing a distinct image or a distinct voice. This is what brings the reader in, because they think it will teach them something about their self. It may not be the conscious intent of a reader but it's there. What is it about love you want to write about? What is the image, going beyond "anatomy and soul"? The poem begins with "Raw emotion unbounded", but the audience wants to feel that through the image or the voice you share. Share that with us.

Raw emotion unbounded
In it's its purest form
Vulnerable in it's its nature
A force compelling yet intangible
This certainty at it's its peak
I no longer wonder what of the core of my individualism
Free of adversity
As I am ripped open, it pours out of me
But I welcome this with a smile
Drained from my anatomy and soul
I feel no hindrance
No shadow of regret
My feelings in absolution



This poem came to me with a struck of creativity from my actual personal feelings for my lover. Love is so unique that it is untaught but naturally understood. No one is taught how to love someone. There may be examples by already married couples however love comes in so many different forms, routines, and practices. It had to start from somewhere. Sure, sometimes I need validation that I am doing the right thing. Love can possibly take form in negative ways; jealousy, possessiveness, bitterness, etc. However the love that I experience retains a positive undertone, only ever in the best interest for the person my heart beats for. The fact that the feeling can manifest from my nervous system to physical form. A shiver up the spine, a tingle in the pit of my stomach, a skipped beat of my heart, it can seem so surreal. That is how I know this love is true.

[wizzpower]

I know alot of people have said this already but show not tell is pretty important. Raw emotion imho needs to be earned like a build up of sorts. from my highly informal perspective, poems usually express emotions externally or through progression internally. You kinda need to juxtapose this emotion to something to show how raw it is. so you could also work on trying to potray it in either these two ways. anyone who knows better please correct me if im wrong