The Clockmaker's Joy

[milo]

The Clockmaker's Joy


In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day


and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.


Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs


we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.

but

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.


Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight

crashes

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.

[fastmarshmallow]

The Clockmaker's Joy


In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day


and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.


Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs


we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.

but

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.


Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight

crashes

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.

As I was reading this aloud in my head, I felt as though the ticking of my wristwatch, sat on my bedside table, became unusually pronounced and inconsistent... In other words, bravo!

I particularly enjoyed (from an auditory perspective) how, S3, is syllable-heavy and sluggish (i.e., 'met-ro-nom-ic', 'ent-ro-py') and then S4 suddenly breaks into light/airy/skittish semantics + sonics - which I think helps convey the euphoria of being liberated from the chains of time (particularly with the beautiful fricative sounds produced by 'fall beneath us as we fly').

After 'but', the colour of the poem changes entirely, as dawn turns to dusk. The final image of the twelve children (incarnation of the passing day) is I think just the right conclusion to this fashionably existentialist poem. I wish someone could paint that scene - perhaps you can commission any talented artists you know. 

One stylistic quibble - in S2, L2, the two successive "you"s feel disruptive to me. (But NB: the triple "across" in S6 feels rhetorically right and purposive to me, keep that)
Again - in S4, L1, is 'up' necessary? "we can leap to the sky" shifts stress onto 'leap' which sounds better to my ear --> perhaps then you can change next line's tense from present continuous to simple i.e., "casting" to "cast" (in the interests of meter?)

[wasellajam]

milo Wrote:

The Clockmaker's Joy


In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day
I like the way S1/S2 separates the rhyme and slows the pace. Strong image.

and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.
I love the solidity of sundial here after all the air in S1. Yes to within it/the minute. Love the idea and feel of "slip the minute", though I picture the sundial as planted.

Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs
This strophe speeds by with a staccato beat, fun to read, especially in contrast to languid pace of S1/S2. Although I enjoy "entropy of springs" I'm still chewing on it, I think because I really can't grasp how entropy applies to springs even with a bit a bit of research. I just didn't want to hold off posting until it finally clicked.


we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.
Slowing down a bit but I can feel their dream of weightlessness. I particularly like "the curvature...fly" phrase.

but

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.
And down we go. The contrast is stark enough, I don't know that you need all that space after "but".
I love the sonics and solidity of "chaise" and enjoy chaise/churn/clay.


Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight
I appreciate coming back up out of the grave but nothing else really strikes me about this strophe, it's fine. I've missed a mate to "chill" but the rhymes float around to the point where it didn't bother me.

crashes
Here's where the lack of punctuation gets me. I put the "but" above down to the following line and the "crash" up to the line above it where it ruins my attempt to abandon fear. I'm doing a lot of work with those words without a payoff I can see.

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.
I haven't come to grips with the group as opposed to twelve children yet but I get the feeling that one's on me, it may click.

So I hope my ramblings help in some way, I enjoy it every time I come back. Thanks for the read and for posting it.

[milo]

The Clockmaker's Joy


In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day


and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.


Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs


we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.

but

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.


Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight

crashes

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.

As I was reading this aloud in my head, I felt as though the ticking of my wristwatch, sat on my bedside table, became unusually pronounced and inconsistent... In other words, bravo!

I particularly enjoyed (from an auditory perspective) how, S3, is syllable-heavy and sluggish (i.e., 'met-ro-nom-ic', 'ent-ro-py') and then S4 suddenly breaks into light/airy/skittish semantics + sonics - which I think helps convey the euphoria of being liberated from the chains of time (particularly with the beautiful fricative sounds produced by 'fall beneath us as we fly').

After 'but', the colour of the poem changes entirely, as dawn turns to dusk. The final image of the twelve children (incarnation of the passing day) is I think just the right conclusion to this fashionably existentialist poem. I wish someone could paint that scene - perhaps you can commission any talented artists you know. 

One stylistic quibble - in S2, L2, the two successive "you"s feel disruptive to me. (But NB: the triple "across" in S6 feels rhetorically right and purposive to me, keep that)
Again - in S4, L1, is 'up' necessary? "we can leap to the sky" shifts stress onto 'leap' which sounds better to my ear --> perhaps then you can change next line's tense from present continuous to simple i.e., "casting" to "cast" (in the interests of meter?)

Hello

Thank you so much for reading and commenting.  You make some good callouts here, I am going to reconsider those choices.

Thaks again.

---

milo Wrote: 

The Clockmaker's Joy


In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day
I like the way S1/S2 separates the rhyme and slows the pace. Strong image.

and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.
I love the solidity of sundial here after all the air in S1. Yes to within it/the minute. Love the idea and feel of "slip the minute", though I picture the sundial as planted.

Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs
This strophe speeds by with a staccato beat, fun to read, especially in contrast to languid pace of S1/S2. Although I enjoy "entropy of springs" I'm still chewing on it, I think because I really can't grasp how entropy applies to springs even with a bit a bit of research. I just didn't want to hold off posting until it finally clicked.


we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.
Slowing down a bit but I can feel their dream of weightlessness. I particularly like "the curvature...fly" phrase.

but

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.
And down we go. The contrast is stark enough, I don't know that you need all that space after "but".
I love the sonics and solidity of "chaise" and enjoy chaise/churn/clay.


Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight
I appreciate coming back up out of the grave but nothing else really strikes me about this strophe, it's fine. I've missed a mate to "chill" but the rhymes float around to the point where it didn't bother me.

crashes
Here's where the lack of punctuation gets me. I put the "but" above down to the following line and the "crash" up to the line above it where it ruins my attempt to abandon fear. I'm doing a lot of work with those words without a payoff I can see.

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.
I haven't come to grips with the group as opposed to twelve children yet but I get the feeling that one's  on me, it may click.

So I hope my ramblings help in some way, I enjoy it every time I come back. Thanks for the read and for posting it.

Hello ella

Thank you so much for describing your experience as you read.  Much of it was similar to my intent which confirms what is working as well as some which is unclear and even that - I amy not have been 100% sure of what I wanted to say myself so I will consider if that ambiguity is controlled or just to haphazard.

Thanks