Fresh Snow (title updated)

[jonvandalen]

Another revision (think this is the last, for now)

Fresh snow 

You set out over fresh snow 
in the not-yet-morning. 
The silent hemlocks stood aside. 
Powder crumbled underfoot.

Under a crowd of waiting stars,
you left the house sleeping. 
Father remained in a dark window, 
dim birds pecking at the sill. 

Your breath ghosted the darkness 
before you.

Behind you, nothing—
save the sound of snow 
giving way.



--

A revision:

You wandered over fresh snow
in the not-yet-morning,
past the stark pines along the road,
white powder crunching underfoot.

The stars burned bright and hard.
The house behind you slept and slept.
Father remained in a dark window,
while sooty birds gathered at the sill.

Your steps kept time on the road.
Nothing followed, save the sound
of snow giving way and a crow
calling, from where you could not tell.


—— original

You moved over fresh snow
in that not-yet-morning,
past the stark pines along the road,
powder crunching underfoot.
The stars burning hard.
The house behind you slept.
Father slept behind a dark window.
Your steps kept time in the night.
Your breath drifted cold, ahead of you.

[Magpie]

Hi Jon, read this a few times and although there is some nice imagery I may not be getting the whole concept of what you are trying to convey, however this may just be me. Perhaps a title change might help, see at as another line.

I've left a few thoughts below

You moved over fresh snow - longing for a better description than 'moved' how did they move, cautiously, quickly? Also you start with 'you' and we have no idea who they are and we don't get much clarification throughout the poem. Also this line seems connected to line 4 so separating them is awkward. You could move 4 to line 2 
in that not-yet-morning, - there are so many ways to say 'not-yet-morning' -- late twilight, early dawn but not as prosaic as these -- 'that' would be changed to 'the'
past the stark pines along the road,  -- to me this line would sound better switched 'along the road past the stark pines' -- not sure what you mean by 'stark' pines. There weren't many, they were thin.
powder crunching underfoot. -- see above for this line
The stars burning hard. -- awkward tense here 'burned' - line could be seen as cliche
The house behind you slept. -- this line says nothing here, if this was the last line it works better for me, the idea of leaving behind something
Father slept behind a dark window. -- Because of the single 'Father' here I'm led to believe that the Narrator is the sibling of the person in the poem. I'm not entirely sure what you mean by 'dark window' it's not the window that is dark but the night. If the dark window is intimating a sinister element to the Father's character then I think this could be elaborated on. 
Your steps kept time in the night.
Your breath drifted cold, ahead of you.

The overall image I am getting is of someone running away in the middle of the night to get away from an abusive father. 

A different title would definitely help and a few tweaks here and there.

Looking forward to seeing how you develop this one.

Cheers for posting

[jonvandalen]

Posted a revision in the original post above, per Magpie’s suggestion.

[Magpie]

Best to put the revision in the original post above the original poem and then you can bump the thread saying that you've done an edit 

[wasellajam]

Hi, Jon, I like your edit, it is gentle but effective, there is more warmth and more cold. For me breaking it up helped too. Some notes:

A revision:

You wandered over fresh snow I like the change to "wandering", more unsure but with more intent.
in the not-yet-morning,            Glad you kept this line.
past the stark pines along the road,
white powder crunching underfoot. Strong image and brings in the sound which gives a new sense of the cold and snow.

The stars burned bright and hard.
The house behind you slept and slept. Not a fan of the double slept and I miss slept in the line below.
Father remained in a dark window,
while sooty birds gathered at the sill. Ah, the big change. Dad is not just unaware, there's evil there.

Your steps kept time on the road.
Nothing followed, save the sound        save the sound of the snow, a yes for me.
of snow giving way and a crow
calling, from where you could not tell. The lines are beautiful and echo the wandering and sounds from S1.


—— original

You moved over fresh snow
in that not-yet-morning,
past the stark pines along the road,
powder crunching underfoot.
The stars burning hard.
The house behind you slept.
Father slept behind a dark window.
Your steps kept time in the night.
Your breath drifted cold, ahead of you.

So, it seems my only nit is "slept and slept". Good work, thanks for posting it.

[BLEACHBOX]

I was struck by , "Father slept behind a dark window." To me it was a mistake changing it to, "Father remained in a dark window. " Imagery in the first version speaks of, perhaps, a man hiding a sordid secret life behind a life of normalcy. "Slept" to me has connotations of a bed, i.e. sexual misconduct. Or a dead conscious.

[jonvandalen]

Posting one last revision in the OG post, then putting this one to bed, for now.

[wasellajam]

Posting one last revision in the OG post, then putting this one to bed, for now.

I think the edit is beautiful and agree it's a good idea to sit on it now. Thanks for posting it.