Daily battle

[Deadgone]

Working for that money thats a daily battle
Between the part that wants to be free and the part thats being caged like cattle
Strangers even though we are
Could my music maybe light your candle 
Suicide how some choose to exit
While we ignore reasons
They cant handle 
Living in a heartless city
No hand shakes but both used 
To try to strangle 
Your mind state on a thin rope
Barely breathing daily gamble
My foot prints left the sand
Airmax covered comfy sandle
Man am really trying Bbloom in a system that looks like orlando 
Stuck between rap and brothers trapping from the bando
Trying tell em its a wrap if at any moment you cant handle 
Its like looking at the same picture knowing
We all looking from a different angel
How many news papers are there but
Am never reading
That the system is a effing scandal

[BLEACHBOX]

I dont have the authority to critique anyone's work, but since it's kind of a prerequisite here I'll just say what comes to mind.
"My footprints left the sand," reminds me of that old poem "The Footprints in the Sand," about how God carries us through the difficult times in our lives and gives us peace till we get on the other side of our troubles. Then we find ourselves stronger in our faith and as people.
Also the word "Orlando" jumped out at me. I live an hour away from Orlando. Sometimes when I'm scrolling looking for events to attend, I will land on something fun, realize its in Orlando, look at the floor, sigh, and keep scrolling. I sincerely hope you don't live there, it is known for Disney and all-things-fun, yet when I leave I feel chewed up and spit out. I certainly make a connection between that city and the struggles your expressing.

[Deadgone]

Thanks for replying...i live in the uk..london...grew up in rotterdam...holland....and was born in a village ive never been to in somalia.....the word orlando is a connecting word based on the actor orlando Bloom
...as in am am trying to Bloom....in a system that looks like orlando....in a system dominated by white people...and i am a brown man

Thanks for critiquing...am new to this....the footprint left the sand section you mentioned in relation to god and troubles was a different perspective. For me it signified the life i could have lived in a sandy desert african country if my country didnt enter a civil war.

[wasellajam]

Hi, Deadgone, welcome to the pen. This seems like a spoken word poem to me, I may be wrong. Although poems are meant to be both spoken and read, reading spoken word can be difficult because we can't hear the Narrators voice, we have to put our own pauses and stresses in. You've got many strong breaks and something to say, I'll give it a go:

Working for that money thats a daily battle  Clear opening. "that's", go through and add your apostrophes.
Between the part that wants to be free and the part thats being caged like cattle You might lose both "the part that's".
Strangers even though we are This line reads a bit awkward and "are" is a weak break.
Could my music maybe light your candle I'm on the fence here, may be too close to the cliche "light my fire".
Suicide how some choose to exit
While we ignore reasons
They cant handle These three lines are strong, serious business you're talking about.
Living in a heartless city
No hand shakes but both used I'd prefer no hands/both hands with "used" dropped to the line below.
To try to strangle 
Your mind state on a thin rope "thin rope" is strong, can be interpreted more than one way.
Barely breathing daily gamble
My foot prints left the sand
Airmax covered comfy sandle Here I'm getting the discomfort of modern life, good.
Man am really trying Bbloom in a system that looks like orlando From your comment I think it may be more effective to capitalize Orlando also. But is he the ultimate white man? I didn't get this. Is the double B in Bbloom intentional? 
Stuck between rap and brothers trapping from the bando Love this line, strong cadence, I had to look up trapping from the bando, I like it.
Trying tell em its a wrap if at any moment you cant handle This line is wordy, I'm sure you could pare it down  a bit.
Its like looking at the same picture knowing
We all looking from a different angel Angel or angle?
How many news papers are there but
Am never reading
That the system is a effing scandal an effing

So, I think you have what could be a strong piece on paper. You might consider adding punctuation to help the reader put the sentences together more easily as we don't have the benefit of a reader's pauses, though your line breaks on the whole do a good job. Thanks for an interesting read, glad you posted.

Also, members may be more inclined to read and comment if you remove your poll. It's not a thumbs up, thumbs down site. You'll note no other poem has one, it's not considered appropriate in a workshop where both the poet and critic are expected to do more. Just a heads up, I hope you continue posting.

[Deadgone]

Your analysis I found really helpful....my background is more of a spoken word and orally is where my poem finds its footing.

Im weak on when to add certain things as I had to learn english on my own without a teacher.

I dont even know why I added the poll me being new I thought it was something I was supposed to add. Looks kind of silly now that I think of it.

[fastmarshmallow]

Your analysis I found really helpful....my background is more of a spoken word and orally is where my poem finds its footing.

Im weak on when to add certain things as I had to learn english on my own without a teacher.

I dont even know why I added the poll me being new I thought it was something I was supposed to add. Looks kind of silly now that I think of it.

You write better than a lot of native English speakers my age! Lol.

Agree fully with Ella's comments - it was a fun read but would benefit from a more consistent meter.   

I enjoyed "Barely breathing daily gamble." That's in nice trochaic tetrameter I think. Will need someone to fact check me on that though. Lol.

[wasellajam]

Your analysis I found really helpful....my background is more of a spoken word and orally is where my poem finds its footing.

Im weak on when to add certain things as I had to learn english on my own without a teacher.

I dont even know why I added the poll me being new I thought it was something I was supposed to add. Looks kind of silly now that I think of it.

As far as the poll, you can hit edit on the OP and make any changes you want there, or you can PM a mod and ask them to do it for you.

As far as apostrophes, where words are contracted, I can go through and correct them for you if you'd like. Or not if you like it the way it is. Did you mean angel? If you meant angle you can also edit that through the OP., that one does effect the read. As far as considering punctuation that's up to you as the poet. I can't offer to help because mine sucks, I try but often muck it up and English is my first and only language. If you do want to try it you could PM dukealien and see if he has the time to help, he did a great job helping with one of mine recently.

Happy to have you here. -ella

[Deadgone]

I invite any corrections you can add i would love to see a different version of what i made....go crazy....


The word.angel started as a mistake i intended at first to write
..i then thought mmm surely nobody has a better angle than an angel with that supposed birds eye view. So i kept it hidden as a mistake.

[wasellajam]

I invite any corrections you can add i would love to see a different version of what i made....go crazy....


The word.angel started as a mistake i intended at first to write
..i then thought mmm surely nobody has a better angle than an angel with that supposed birds eye view. So i kept it hidden as a mistake.

Hi, only you can edit your poem into a different version, you can look at suggestions and decide if there are any you'd like to apply. In the Important Threads of the three Critique forums you'll find tips on where to post your poems, how to edit and how to critique at any level, worth a read.

If you're keeping angel you might try

Its like looking at the same picture knowing
We all looking from We're all seeing a different angel

How contractions work: Im=I am=I'm, thats=that is=that's, don't=do not=don't, its=it is=it's, we=we are=we're

Good luck with it.

[Deadgone]

Appreciate the input