Behind the Curtain

[fastmarshmallow]

Thanks for reading - I would appreciate any and all comments! I wrote this after thinking about all the opportunities I've missed because of my fear of not being as good as others when I was younger. Though I am a lot more confident now, this poem helped me express that regret.


Behind the curtain I hear,
Laugh and cough, from clap to cheer.
“O God, what terror!" I cry.
But still I swallow my fear.

“Ready?” Asks the lady, with glasses too square.  
Her jumper’s all worn, but she wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn, 
“I’ll go when it's one. I promise, I swear.”

“Together.” Says the boy, with thin black hair.
His voice always breaks, but he wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn,
“Maybe at two. I promise, I swear.”

“Please.” Moans the woman, who stumbles in line.
She has my eyes, my lips, but cracked by time.
One cheek stained, too sad is her smile,
“My dear, please go. In at least, a little while.”

At last, it’s three. I walk on, head high.
I look up, my arms fly, like stars in the sky.
But I hear a clock tick, and I wanted a roar.
The chairs are disarrayed, there's litter on the floor.

“You promised, you swore!” "Who’s there?" I call.
But I turn around only
To a stage, and no more.

[wasellajam]

Hi, P, you've edited already! That's what I get for not getting the crit out of my head and on to the page.
Lots to like here, some notes:

Thanks for reading - I would appreciate any and all comments! I wrote this after thinking about all the opportunities I've missed because of my fear of not being as good as others when I was younger. Though I am a lot more confident now, this poem helped me express that regret.


Behind the curtain I hear,
Laugh and cough, from clap to cheer.
“O God, what terror!" I cry.
But still I swallow my fear.
To me "swallow my fear" means getting rid of it, is that what you mean?

“Ready?” Asks the lady, with glasses too square.  
Her jumper’s all worn, but she wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn, 
“I’ll go when it's one. I promise, I swear.”
Nice detail, setting up the "them" vs the N.

“Together.” Says the boy, with thin black hair.
His voice always breaks, but he wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn,
“Maybe at two. I promise, I swear.”
The double "wouldn't care" works well for "no one else cares about their defects".

“Please.” Moans the woman, who stumbles in line.
She has my eyes and lips, but they're cracked by time.
One cheek stained, too sad is her smile,
“My dear, please go. In at least, a little while.”
An effective strophe emotionally, disappointing family is the worst, now thinking the people above may not be random.
"In at least, a little while" is awkward for me, maybe smoother without the comma?

At last, it’s three. I walk on, head high.
I look up, my arms fly, like stars in the sky.
But I hear a clock tick, and I wanted a roar.
The chairs are disarrayed, there's litter on the floor.
I have trouble seeing arms like stars and it feels like "in the sky" is there solely for the rhyme, where else would stars be?  L4 might be smoother without "there's".


“You promised, you swore!” "Who’s there?" I call.
But I turn around only
To a stage, and no more.

This poem pulled me right along, while not in a steady meter the rhythm is there, with some bumps. You've stayed true to your metaphor, missed chances as the nervousness that precedes making an entrance. The rhyme scheme is novel, as were the odd long lines you edited out, both caused some disruption through inconsistency that makes me wonder about whether or not that's intentional. In any case, more complex rhymes might improve the poem.

An enjoyable read that's worth working on, thanks for posting it and again, welcome!

[fastmarshmallow]

Hi, P, you've edited already! That's what I get for not getting the crit out of my head and on to the page.
Lots to like here, some notes:

Thanks for reading - I would appreciate any and all comments! I wrote this after thinking about all the opportunities I've missed because of my fear of not being as good as others when I was younger. Though I am a lot more confident now, this poem helped me express that regret.


Behind the curtain I hear,
Laugh and cough, from clap to cheer.
“O God, what terror!" I cry.
But still I swallow my fear.
To me "swallow my fear" means getting rid of it, is that what you mean? Yes! But temporarily. N is trying to subdue their fear, but only swallows it, so it might come back up. 

“Ready?” Asks the lady, with glasses too square.  
Her jumper’s all worn, but she wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn, 
“I’ll go when it's one. I promise, I swear.”
Nice detail, setting up the "them" vs the N. 

“Together.” Says the boy, with thin black hair.
His voice always breaks, but he wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn,
“Maybe at two. I promise, I swear.”

The double "wouldn't care" works well for "no one else cares about their defects". I'm glad you picked up on this! N is very critical/judgemental of others but this is just a byproduct of their own self-hatred.

“Please.” Moans the woman, who stumbles in line.
She has my eyes and lips, but they're cracked by time.
One cheek stained, too sad is her smile, The passing of time is an important motif here, which is why I play with 'one' and 'too'. Mirrors the whole 1pm, 2pm, "at last' it's 3" narrative.
“My dear, please go. In at least, a little while.”

An effective strophe emotionally, disappointing family is the worst, now thinking the people above may not be random. Yes, I intended each character to represent some kind of significant figure to N: (1) the lady with glasses is some kind of authoritative teacher/mentor; (2) the boy with thin hair is a child who has not yet come of age but filled with wonder and is pestering N with a "What are we waiting for?" type of question; (3) the old woman can be viewed as either an older version of N who comes to warn her younger self of missing opportunities OR her mother who sees herself in her timid daughter (which is how you interpreted it). Both I think achieve similar effects in terms of pathos. 

"In at least, a little while" is awkward for me, maybe smoother without the comma? You're right, too many breaks I think. Getting rid of the comma helps, I agree.

At last, it’s three. I walk on, head high.
I look up, my arms fly, like stars in the sky.
But I hear a clock tick, and I wanted a roar.
The chairs are disarrayed, there's litter on the floor.
I have trouble seeing arms like stars and it feels like "in the sky" is there solely for the rhyme, where else would stars be? 
You're right and I was racking my brain over a solution to this. I'll have a think, I think it's best if I rework the line entirely.  

L4 might be smoother without "there's". Agreed. If you saw my edits, you'd know I removed 'there's' and added it back maybe a hundred times. So indecisive. How ironic. Have I learned nothing?  


“You promised, you swore!” "Who’s there?" I call.
But I turn around only
To a stage, and no more. This ending was inspired by Edgar Allen's Poe fantastically ominous, "Only this and nothing more..."

This poem pulled me right along, while not in a steady meter the rhythm is there, with some bumps. You've stayed true to your metaphor, missed chances as the nervousness that precedes making an entrance. The rhyme scheme is novel, as were the odd long lines you edited out, both caused some disruption through inconsistency that makes me wonder about whether or not that's intentional. 
I did a little digging and it turns out the AABA rhyme scheme is favoured by many Persian poets, and is referred to as the 'Rubaiyat stanza' - a reference to an 1859 translation of a selection of Omar Khayyam's quatrains ('Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám').
In any case, more complex rhymes might improve the poem.
An enjoyable read that's worth working on, thanks for posting it and again, welcome!

What lovely comments, thank you so much Ella! I've never received feedback on my creative works so it's quite touching. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. It was quite a fun process and a complete shot in the dark! I'll study my meter to ensure my future poems read better. Looking forward to it, maybe I'll have a go in one of the practice forums you suggested after I've figured it out.  

[josie_loves_poems]

Thanks for reading - I would appreciate any and all comments! I wrote this after thinking about all the opportunities I've missed because of my fear of not being as good as others when I was younger. Though I am a lot more confident now, this poem helped me express that regret.


Behind the curtain I hear,
Laugh and cough, from clap to cheer.
“O God, what terror!" I cry.
But still I swallow my fear.
i'm wondering about the "swallow my fear" because that implies that you are ready to go and doesn't reflect the rest of the piece, and i feel it's an important line where you could foreshadow or play around with something else!

“Ready?” Asks the lady, with glasses too square.  
Her jumper’s all worn, but she wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn, 
“I’ll go when it's one. I promise, I swear.”

“Together.” Says the boy, with thin black hair.
His voice always breaks, but he wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn,
“Maybe at two. I promise, I swear.”
i love how these follow the same pattern, i think it's very clever and tells a story a bit, which is personally one of my favorite parts of poetry!

“Please.” Moans the woman, who stumbles in line.
She has my eyes, my lips, but cracked by time.
One cheek stained, too sad is her smile,
“My dear, please go. In at least, a little while.”
assuming this is about your mother, i love this part! so beautiful and great imagery

At last, it’s three. I walk on, head high.
I look up, my arms fly, like stars in the sky.
But I hear a clock tick, and I wanted a roar.
The chairs are disarrayed, there's litter on the floor.
THIS imagery is even better!! love this part, but i'm trying to picture the second line. is it part of the performance? making that clearer within the line might help keep your reader oriented before the reveal.

“You promised, you swore!” "Who’s there?" I call.
But I turn around only
To a stage, and no more.
i'm not entirely sure who's saying the first quote, because if it were the protaganist it doesn't make very much sense. clarifying that (i promised, i swore) or adding a different line i think would make more sense.
i love this poem!!! so expressive and tells a great story. 

[fastmarshmallow]

Thanks for reading - I would appreciate any and all comments! I wrote this after thinking about all the opportunities I've missed because of my fear of not being as good as others when I was younger. Though I am a lot more confident now, this poem helped me express that regret.


Behind the curtain I hear,
Laugh and cough, from clap to cheer.
“O God, what terror!" I cry.
But still I swallow my fear.
i'm wondering about the "swallow my fear" because that implies that you are ready to go and doesn't reflect the rest of the piece, and i feel it's an important line where you could foreshadow or play around with something else!

“Ready?” Asks the lady, with glasses too square.  
Her jumper’s all worn, but she wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn, 
“I’ll go when it's one. I promise, I swear.”

“Together.” Says the boy, with thin black hair.
His voice always breaks, but he wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn,
“Maybe at two. I promise, I swear.”
i love how these follow the same pattern, i think it's very clever and tells a story a bit, which is personally one of my favorite parts of poetry!

“Please.” Moans the woman, who stumbles in line.
She has my eyes, my lips, but cracked by time.
One cheek stained, too sad is her smile,
“My dear, please go. In at least, a little while.”
assuming this is about your mother, i love this part! so beautiful and great imagery

At last, it’s three. I walk on, head high.
I look up, my arms fly, like stars in the sky.
But I hear a clock tick, and I wanted a roar.
The chairs are disarrayed, there's litter on the floor.
THIS imagery is even better!! love this part, but i'm trying to picture the second line. is it part of the performance? making that clearer within the line might help keep your reader oriented before the reveal.

“You promised, you swore!” "Who’s there?" I call.
But I turn around only
To a stage, and no more.
i'm not entirely sure who's saying the first quote, because if it were the protaganist it doesn't make very much sense. clarifying that (i promised, i swore) or adding a different line i think would make more sense.
i love this poem!!! so expressive and tells a great story. 

Thank you so much for your lovely comments, Josie! I really appreciate your feedback. Yes, there's been a little confusion about the 'swallow' part, which I think I'll have to revise for clarity.

Welcome to the Pen - I am new here too, and I have been welcomed in with the warmest arms (particularly Ella and Milo). I've browsed your poems and I think they're great (I will post my comments soon) - but I am very much looking forward to reading your future works. 

It's quite interesting actually - I wrote this piece before I joined this site (my first ever 'poem', if it can be called that), and I've already learned so much. FYI, I had no idea what 'meter' meant in the context of poetry. I feel better equipped to write already, thanks to the bright minds of the Pen.

[milo]

Thanks for reading - I would appreciate any and all comments! I wrote this after thinking about all the opportunities I've missed because of my fear of not being as good as others when I was younger. Though I am a lot more confident now, this poem helped me express that regret.

Hello, as a reader, I would actually prefer if you didn't tell me your intent at first so I can objectively determine if it works.  Unfortunately, now that I know, I will unwillingly associate everything and may miss something.

Behind the curtain I hear,
Laugh and cough, from clap to cheer.
“O God, what terror!" I cry.
But still I swallow my fear.

  

I like the opening of "behind the curtain" - it is a little overt but it lays the metaphor out there plainly so I can focus on the craft.  i would prefer if you used meter with the rhyme. Nobody cries "oh, god what terror!" and the problem with hyperbole is it breaks the trust with both the narrator and the quthor.

“Ready?” Asks the lady, with glasses too square.  
Her jumper’s all worn, but she wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn, 
“I’ll go when it's one. I promise, I swear.”

so, you like to rhyme and I agree, I like to rhyme as well.  I am often heard saying - it rhymes so it must be true.  Problems do occur with inversions as then  I know that it does not truly rhyme.  Glasses too square id inversion speak for too-square glasses which  - in and of itself - could be interesting.  I do not know if you are using an anachronistic metaphor for uncool because - remember, your narrator already broke my trust.  Also, I promise, I swear feels like forced rhyme as well to my ear.

“Together.” Says the boy, with thin black hair.
His voice always breaks, but he wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn,
“Maybe at two. I promise, I swear.”

I may change my mind here as I realize you are using it as a refrain and as a refrain - for no particular reason - I find it more interesting.  I do like the countdown as well.

“Please.” Moans the woman, who stumbles in line.
She has my eyes, my lips, but cracked by time.
One cheek stained, too sad is her smile,
“My dear, please go. In at least, a little while.”

so, you are changing your rhymes up haphazardly.  I actually was growing fond of a -a -x -A and now you have changed it and, while that can be interesting as well, here, it feels uncontrolled.

At last, it’s three. I walk on, head high.
I look up, my arms fly, like stars in the sky.
But I hear a clock tick, and I wanted a roar.
The chairs are disarrayed, there's litter on the floor.

“You promised, you swore!” "Who’s there?" I call.
But I turn around only
To a stage, and no more.

so, you have an interesting concept here - you have a solid metaphor if a little worn and you have some ince bridge metaphor.  It feels a lttle rough  - like first draftish rough - but interesting enough to be worth a revision.  Maybe get your language under control - consider the words you use and if you can point to your metaphor throughout getting more utility - it has a lot of promise.

I hope some o fthis helped.  Thanks for posting.

[fastmarshmallow]

Thanks for reading - I would appreciate any and all comments! I wrote this after thinking about all the opportunities I've missed because of my fear of not being as good as others when I was younger. Though I am a lot more confident now, this poem helped me express that regret.

Hello, as a reader, I would actually prefer if you didn't tell me your intent at first so I can objectively determine if it works.  Unfortunately, now that I know, I will unwillingly associate everything and may miss something.

Behind the curtain I hear,
Laugh and cough, from clap to cheer.
“O God, what terror!" I cry.
But still I swallow my fear.

  

I like the opening of "behind the curtain" - it is a little overt but it lays the metaphor out there plainly so I can focus on the craft.  i would prefer if you used meter with the rhyme. Nobody cries "oh, god what terror!" and the problem with hyperbole is it breaks the trust with both the narrator and the quthor.

I think I ought to recreate this, with my new knowledge of poetic meter... and just prosody in general.

“Ready?” Asks the lady, with glasses too square.  
Her jumper’s all worn, but she wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn, 
“I’ll go when it's one. I promise, I swear.”

so, you like to rhyme and I agree, I like to rhyme as well.  I am often heard saying - it rhymes so it must be true.  Problems do occur with inversions as then  I know that it does not truly rhyme.  Glasses too square id inversion speak for too-square glasses which  - in and of itself - could be interesting.  I do not know if you are using an anachronistic metaphor for uncool because - remember, your narrator already broke my trust.  Also, I promise, I swear feels like forced rhyme as well to my ear.

I am cringing, rereading my rhymes - they do sound a little shoehorned in now in hindsight - but I wanted to limit myself to a simple scheme to start with as my first try. I do like 'too-square glasses', now to the extent of abandoning the rhyme. I think what I've found, as most junior poets probably do, is that rhyme, particularly in the early stages, works more as a constraint as opposed to opportunistic flair. I think I'll try free verse for a little while, and work my way up from there. 

“Together.” Says the boy, with thin black hair.
His voice always breaks, but he wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn,
“Maybe at two. I promise, I swear.”

I may change my mind here as I realize you are using it as a refrain and as a refrain - for no particular reason - I find it more interesting.  I do like the countdown as well.

“Please.” Moans the woman, who stumbles in line.
She has my eyes, my lips, but cracked by time.
One cheek stained, too sad is her smile,
“My dear, please go. In at least, a little while.”

so, you are changing your rhymes up haphazardly.  I actually was growing fond of a -a -x -A and now you have changed it and, while that can be interesting as well, here, it feels uncontrolled.

Hm, I might consider sticking to AABA. Perhaps, "One cheek stained, too weary is her eye." To stick with the whole 'this is me but in 50 years regretting my life choices' metaphor.

At last, it’s three. I walk on, head high.
I look up, my arms fly, like stars in the sky.
But I hear a clock tick, and I wanted a roar.
The chairs are disarrayed, there's litter on the floor.

“You promised, you swore!” "Who’s there?" I call.
But I turn around only
To a stage, and no more.

so, you have an interesting concept here - you have a solid metaphor if a little worn and you have some ince bridge metaphor.  It feels a lttle rough  - like first draftish rough - but interesting enough to be worth a revision.  Maybe get your language under control - consider the words you use and if you can point to your metaphor throughout getting more utility - it has a lot of promise.


I hope some o fthis helped.  Thanks for posting.

Thank you for your detailed comments Milo. 'First draftish' I think is the best way of putting it lol! I have learnt a lot since I wrote this, and I think I'll work on a revision once I've learnt a little more.