Behind the Curtain

[fastmarshmallow]

Thanks for reading - I would appreciate any and all comments! I wrote this after thinking about all the opportunities I've missed because of my fear of not being as good as others when I was younger. Though I am a lot more confident now, this poem helped me express that regret.


Behind the curtain I hear,
Laugh and cough, from clap to cheer.
“O God, what terror!" I cry.
But still I swallow my fear.

“Ready?” Asks the lady, with glasses too square.  
Her jumper’s all worn, but she wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn, 
“I’ll go when it's one. I promise, I swear.”

“Together.” Says the boy, with thin black hair.
His voice always breaks, but he wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn,
“Maybe at two. I promise, I swear.”

“Please.” Moans the woman, who stumbles in line.
She has my eyes, my lips, but cracked by time.
One cheek stained, too sad is her smile,
“My dear, please go. In at least, a little while.”

At last, it’s three. I walk on, head high.
I look up, my arms fly, like stars in the sky.
But I hear a clock tick, and I wanted a roar.
The chairs are disarrayed, there's litter on the floor.

“You promised, you swore!” "Who’s there?" I call.
But I turn around only
To a stage, and no more.

[wasellajam]

Hi, P, you've edited already! That's what I get for not getting the crit out of my head and on to the page.
Lots to like here, some notes:

Thanks for reading - I would appreciate any and all comments! I wrote this after thinking about all the opportunities I've missed because of my fear of not being as good as others when I was younger. Though I am a lot more confident now, this poem helped me express that regret.


Behind the curtain I hear,
Laugh and cough, from clap to cheer.
“O God, what terror!" I cry.
But still I swallow my fear.
To me "swallow my fear" means getting rid of it, is that what you mean?

“Ready?” Asks the lady, with glasses too square.  
Her jumper’s all worn, but she wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn, 
“I’ll go when it's one. I promise, I swear.”
Nice detail, setting up the "them" vs the N.

“Together.” Says the boy, with thin black hair.
His voice always breaks, but he wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn,
“Maybe at two. I promise, I swear.”
The double "wouldn't care" works well for "no one else cares about their defects".

“Please.” Moans the woman, who stumbles in line.
She has my eyes and lips, but they're cracked by time.
One cheek stained, too sad is her smile,
“My dear, please go. In at least, a little while.”
An effective strophe emotionally, disappointing family is the worst, now thinking the people above may not be random.
"In at least, a little while" is awkward for me, maybe smoother without the comma?

At last, it’s three. I walk on, head high.
I look up, my arms fly, like stars in the sky.
But I hear a clock tick, and I wanted a roar.
The chairs are disarrayed, there's litter on the floor.
I have trouble seeing arms like stars and it feels like "in the sky" is there solely for the rhyme, where else would stars be?  L4 might be smoother without "there's".


“You promised, you swore!” "Who’s there?" I call.
But I turn around only
To a stage, and no more.

This poem pulled me right along, while not in a steady meter the rhythm is there, with some bumps. You've stayed true to your metaphor, missed chances as the nervousness that precedes making an entrance. The rhyme scheme is novel, as were the odd long lines you edited out, both caused some disruption through inconsistency that makes me wonder about whether or not that's intentional. In any case, more complex rhymes might improve the poem.

An enjoyable read that's worth working on, thanks for posting it and again, welcome!

[fastmarshmallow]

Hi, P, you've edited already! That's what I get for not getting the crit out of my head and on to the page.
Lots to like here, some notes:

Thanks for reading - I would appreciate any and all comments! I wrote this after thinking about all the opportunities I've missed because of my fear of not being as good as others when I was younger. Though I am a lot more confident now, this poem helped me express that regret.


Behind the curtain I hear,
Laugh and cough, from clap to cheer.
“O God, what terror!" I cry.
But still I swallow my fear.
To me "swallow my fear" means getting rid of it, is that what you mean? Yes! But temporarily. N is trying to subdue their fear, but only swallows it, so it might come back up. 

“Ready?” Asks the lady, with glasses too square.  
Her jumper’s all worn, but she wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn, 
“I’ll go when it's one. I promise, I swear.”
Nice detail, setting up the "them" vs the N. 

“Together.” Says the boy, with thin black hair.
His voice always breaks, but he wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn,
“Maybe at two. I promise, I swear.”

The double "wouldn't care" works well for "no one else cares about their defects". I'm glad you picked up on this! N is very critical/judgemental of others but this is just a byproduct of their own self-hatred.

“Please.” Moans the woman, who stumbles in line.
She has my eyes and lips, but they're cracked by time.
One cheek stained, too sad is her smile, The passing of time is an important motif here, which is why I play with 'one' and 'too'. Mirrors the whole 1pm, 2pm, "at last' it's 3" narrative.
“My dear, please go. In at least, a little while.”

An effective strophe emotionally, disappointing family is the worst, now thinking the people above may not be random. Yes, I intended each character to represent some kind of significant figure to N: (1) the lady with glasses is some kind of authoritative teacher/mentor; (2) the boy with thin hair is a child who has not yet come of age but filled with wonder and is pestering N with a "What are we waiting for?" type of question; (3) the old woman can be viewed as either an older version of N who comes to warn her younger self of missing opportunities OR her mother who sees herself in her timid daughter (which is how you interpreted it). Both I think achieve similar effects in terms of pathos. 

"In at least, a little while" is awkward for me, maybe smoother without the comma? You're right, too many breaks I think. Getting rid of the comma helps, I agree.

At last, it’s three. I walk on, head high.
I look up, my arms fly, like stars in the sky.
But I hear a clock tick, and I wanted a roar.
The chairs are disarrayed, there's litter on the floor.
I have trouble seeing arms like stars and it feels like "in the sky" is there solely for the rhyme, where else would stars be? 
You're right and I was racking my brain over a solution to this. I'll have a think, I think it's best if I rework the line entirely.  

L4 might be smoother without "there's". Agreed. If you saw my edits, you'd know I removed 'there's' and added it back maybe a hundred times. So indecisive. How ironic. Have I learned nothing?  


“You promised, you swore!” "Who’s there?" I call.
But I turn around only
To a stage, and no more. This ending was inspired by Edgar Allen's Poe fantastically ominous, "Only this and nothing more..."

This poem pulled me right along, while not in a steady meter the rhythm is there, with some bumps. You've stayed true to your metaphor, missed chances as the nervousness that precedes making an entrance. The rhyme scheme is novel, as were the odd long lines you edited out, both caused some disruption through inconsistency that makes me wonder about whether or not that's intentional. 
I did a little digging and it turns out the AABA rhyme scheme is favoured by many Persian poets, and is referred to as the 'Rubaiyat stanza' - a reference to an 1859 translation of a selection of Omar Khayyam's quatrains ('Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám').
In any case, more complex rhymes might improve the poem.
An enjoyable read that's worth working on, thanks for posting it and again, welcome!

What lovely comments, thank you so much Ella! I've never received feedback on my creative works so it's quite touching. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. It was quite a fun process and a complete shot in the dark! I'll study my meter to ensure my future poems read better. Looking forward to it, maybe I'll have a go in one of the practice forums you suggested after I've figured it out.