When the Needle Hits the Record

[palifan]

When the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin

That's when all those
under-midnight-moon
close-dance-ending too soon-feelings
come again.

It was our song,
for so long,
that I almost forget
there was a day,
a solitude before I knew you,
before we met.

Then you left,
I am broken.

And then,
and then,

the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin

We're pressed together,
hand in hand,
and just like way back when,

morning moon lands too soon.
Where are those Sundays in bed?

Now, instead,
I just wait..
for your memory, that needle that hits my lonely groove,
(Why can’t I move on?)
and our old song for so long
starts spinning…

The needle hits the record
and that old song starts to spin...
That's when all those under-midnight-moon close-dance-feelings
come again.

The needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin

[Magpie]

When the needle hits the record,  -- might be seen as a cliche 
and that old song starts to spin  -- 'that old song' implies that we already know the song, could it be 'our old song'

That's when all those
under-midnight-moon
close-dance-ending too soon-feelings
come again.                              -- I like this stanza on the whole, however the hyphens make it awkward. Careful not to fall into the 'moon, soon, spoon, swoon' cliche too easily

It was our song,
for so long,
that I almost forget
there was a day,    -- 'there was a solitude' is enough to convey this
a solitude before I knew you, -- some redundancy here
before we met.   

Then you left,
I am broken.

And then,
and then,  -- not sure what the repetition adds here 

the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin

We're pressed together,
hand in hand,
and just like way back when,

morning moon lands too soon.  -- careful again with the 'moon, soon' rhymes
Where are those Sundays in bed?

Now, instead,
I just wait..
for your memory, that needle that hits my lonely groove, 
(Why can’t I move on?) -- it's personal I suppose but some think that parentheses are for mathematics
and our old song for so long
starts spinning… -- ellipsis are used to indicate missing text that is usually implied, not sure if your ellipsis is working in this poem.

The needle hits the record
and that old song starts to spin...
That's when all those under-midnight-moon close-dance-feelings
come again.

The needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin

I've mostly commented on technical aspects and not so much content, there is a lot of repetition in this that doesn't really add anything to the poem. Some good aspects here that could be developed further.

Cheers for the read.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello palifan-
some in-line comments, below:


When the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin off to a good start

That's when all those
under-midnight-moon
close-dance-ending too soon-feelings too many dashes for me. this could be shortened for more impact.
come again.

It was our song,
for so long,
that I almost forget
there was a day,
a solitude before I knew you,
before we met. don't think you need those lines

Then you left,
I am broken.

And then,
and then, For me, the poem gets soft in the bolded section. and then, and then isn't necessary. Better to show how you're broken than telling. Perhaps describe some action that conveys being broken.

the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin The repetition is OK here

We're pressed together, pressed sounds clumsy
hand in hand,
and just like way back when,

morning moon lands too soon. Questioning how the moon lands. ??
Where are those Sundays in bed?

Now, instead,
I just wait..
for your memory, that needle that hits my lonely groove, the bolded part is the only part of interest to me
(Why can’t I move on?)
and our old song for so long
starts spinning…

The needle hits the record
and that old song starts to spin... You could end the poem here, to avoid too many repetitions
That's when all those under-midnight-moon close-dance-feelings Too many dashes again
come again.

The needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin Ending here is good, but you'd need to need to lose earlier repetitions to make it effectivei

The central idea is pretty cool- playing a certain record, but you bulid around it with a lot of abstractions. Concrete imagery would work better. Look closely and find areas to trim, while expanding uopn what happens when the needle hits the record. Repeating that line at the end works as long as you don't wear out that record within the body of the poem. This could be a much stronger poem with more attention to detail.
Respectfully,
Mark

[Mic]

When the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin,

That's when all those
under-midnight-moon
close-dance ending-too-soon feelings
come again.

It was our song,
for so long,
that I almost forget
there was a day,
a solitude before I knew you,
before we met. -> since we already know they are connected, relate the 'forgot there was a day' with the loss of the music instead of the person to get more interesting imagery

Then you left,
I am broken. -> how does the broken-ness relate to the listening to the record? Does the speaker relate to the record in any way? With the 'skipping' in the next stanza, could that reflect on the speaker's current state?

And then,
and then, -> feels like the record skipping. Maybe bringing more ideas like that into the structure of the poem to feel the stuck back in time experience with the record?

the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin

We're pressed together,
hand in hand,
and just like way back when,

morning moon lands too soon. -> rhythm feels a bit off with the double stressed syllables moon and lands  
Where are those Sundays in bed? -> my mouth keeps stumbling on 'those sundays', the sentence feels like it should be shorter considering the rhyme bed/instead pulls the momentum so much. It's like tripping over to tumble down a hill

-> i dont quite understand the grouping of the continuation of one line from the previous stanza and the opening line for the next stanza together in their own separate stanza

Now, instead,
I just wait..
for your memory, that needle that hits my lonely groove,
(Why can’t I move on?) -> the rhyme between groove and move is nice and adds to the sense of trailing life when the sentence continues
and our old song for so long  -> this worked better above, here the phrase 'for so long' feels pulled between modifying 'our old song' and 'starts spinning' 
starts spinning…

The needle hits the record
and that old song starts to spin...
That's when all those under-midnight-moon close-dance-feelings
come again.

The needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin  -> I like the full-circle effect, coming back to the same place as it was before. 

Over all I think its a good piece with good ideas, it could benefit with tighter structure - not just adhering to a rhyme scheme, but using the structure of the poem to say something about it like how the first couple and last couple stanzas mirror each other - and maybe more musicality in the rhythm. Looking forward to seeing it evolve.
Cheers,
Mic