Wisdom of an apple

[Smiley]

Exercise the dream.
Eat the cupcake filled with cream.
But, too much of the goodies will make you unhealthy and fat.
So savor the moment, remeber that.
An apple is healthy and naturally sweet.
Sugarcoated, what a great treat!

---

By the way, u know whats worse than to find a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm haha

[wasellajam]

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Exercise the dream. Eat the cupcake filled with cream. But, too much of the goodies will make you unhealthy and fat. So savor the moment, remeber that. An apple is healthy and naturally sweet. Sugarcoated, what a great treat!

---

By the way, u know whats worse than to find a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm haha

Hi, smiley. I like the sonics of “exercise” through “cream” and I like what you’re saying here.I also like exercise vs fat. You may want to consider line breaks, it can put more weight on the last word of each line.

Thanks for posting, hope this helps.

[milo]

Exercise the dream. Eat the cupcake filled with cream. But, too much of the goodies will make you unhealthy and fat. So savor the moment, remeber that. An apple is healthy and naturally sweet. Sugarcoated, what a great treat!

---

By the way, u know whats worse than to find a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm haha

Hello

I agree with ella, this might be more impactful and read smoother with some line breaks, maybe something like this:

Exercise the dream.
 Eat the cupcake filled with cream
 But, too much of the goodies
 will make you unhealthy and fat.
 So savor the moment, remeber that.
 An apple is healthy and naturally sweet.
 Sugarcoated, what a great treat!

[Smiley]

Maybe even
something like
this? 
?

[milo]

Maybe even
something like
this? 
?

Maybe, try it and see what you think

[wasellajam]

Maybe even
something like
this? 
?

 Any particular reason that would improve the impact of your poem?

[Smiley]

It looks good haha 

[wasellajam]

It looks good haha 

So give it a go, maybe it will look like an apple.  Still, your breaks should be meaningful.

[milo]

Exercise the dream.
Eat the cupcake filled with cream.
But, too much of the goodies will make you unhealthy and fat.
So savor the moment, remeber that.
An apple is healthy and naturally sweet.
Sugarcoated, what a great treat!

---

By the way, u know whats worse than to find a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm haha

I do like it quite a bit better with line breaks - don't care much for the centering myself, though I will say it does look a bit like an apple.

Did you notice the meter at all?  It switches from predominantly iambic to predominantly anapestic.

[Smiley]

Exercise the dream.
Eat the cupcake filled with cream.
But, too much of the goodies will make you unhealthy and fat.
So savor the moment, remeber that.
An apple is healthy and naturally sweet.
Sugarcoated, what a great treat!

---

By the way, u know whats worse than to find a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm haha

I do like it quite a bit better with line breaks - don't care much for the centering myself, though I will say it does look a bit like an apple.

Did you notice the meter at all?  It switches from predominantly iambic to predominantly anapestic.

Those are heavy words at the end, have to look em up, what is "meter" ?

---

Im having difficulty understanding "It switches from predominantly iambic to predominantly anapestic." even thou i googled it milo..

[milo]

Exercise the dream.
Eat the cupcake filled with cream.
But, too much of the goodies will make you unhealthy and fat.
So savor the moment, remeber that.
An apple is healthy and naturally sweet.
Sugarcoated, what a great treat!

---

By the way, u know whats worse than to find a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm haha

I do like it quite a bit better with line breaks - don't care much for the centering myself, though I will say it does look a bit like an apple.

Did you notice the meter at all?  It switches from predominantly iambic to predominantly anapestic.

Those are heavy words at the end, have to look em up, what is "meter" ?

Well, you wrote it in rhyming couplets (series of 2 lines that each rhyme with each other)
When you write in rhyme, it works best with a consistent meter.  Meter is the regular rhythm of the beats in speech.  You naturally fell into meter which means you may have a talent for writing poetry!  You used 2 different meters though which gives it a kind of cobbled together feel.  For my taste, I think it would be better to pick one or the other and then use it all the way through.

[wasellajam]

If you look in the Important Threads in Basic critique you’ll see one for Basic Meter.

[Smiley]

ok, thanks for the feedback! i have also posted another poem called "nameless".. it differs from this one, becuse this one has a point, a "real" message. The other is just, whimsy and deep.. does this make any sense to you?

[milo]

ok, thanks for the feedback! i have also posted another poem called "nameless".. it differs from this one, becuse this one has a point, a "real" message. The other is just, whimsy and deep.. does this make any sense to you?

it makes sense to me.  If you post in the critical forums instead of the for fun or miscellaneous you are more likely to get that type of feedback (if that is what you are looking for) but I am more than happy to give feedback wherever they are posted.

Let me know what type of feedback you prefer and I can tailor it.

[Smiley]

ok, thanks for the feedback! i have also posted another poem called "nameless".. it differs from this one, becuse this one has a point, a "real" message. The other is just, whimsy and deep.. does this make any sense to you?

it makes sense to me.  If you post in the critical forums instead of the for fun or miscellaneous you are more likely to get that type of feedback (if that is what you are looking for) but I am more than happy to give feedback wherever they are posted.

Let me know what type of feedback you prefer and I can tailor it.

I wasnt going for criticism.. but then i started to wonder how others percieved it.

[milo]

ok, thanks for the feedback! i have also posted another poem called "nameless".. it differs from this one, becuse this one has a point, a "real" message. The other is just, whimsy and deep.. does this make any sense to you?

it makes sense to me.  If you post in the critical forums instead of the for fun or miscellaneous you are more likely to get that type of feedback (if that is what you are looking for) but I am more than happy to give feedback wherever they are posted.

Let me know what type of feedback you prefer and I can tailor it.

I wasnt going for criticism.. but then i started to wonder how others percieved it.

well, we don't really do "criticism" per se here, we do more feedback.  And feedback is just really how a reader experiences your poem so you might be looking for a little feedback after all.

[Smiley]

it makes sense to me.  If you post in the critical forums instead of the for fun or miscellaneous you are more likely to get that type of feedback (if that is what you are looking for) but I am more than happy to give feedback wherever they are posted.

Let me know what type of feedback you prefer and I can tailor it.

I wasnt going for criticism.. but then i started to wonder how others percieved it.

well, we don't really do "criticism" per se here, we do more feedback.  And feedback is just really how a reader experiences your poem so you might be looking for a little feedback after all.

I see, i shall keep this in mind. Its good to know and it has a different vibe to it to give feedback instead of criticism.

---

Just had a talt with the Meta AI on facebook. We discussed this poem and gave me a very perceptive reply about it.. it says -

Life is a balance between indulging in the moment (like eating a cupcake) and taking care of oneself (like choosing an apple).
The apple might symbolize wisdom and simple joy, while the cupcakes represent temporary pleasures.
"Savoring the moment" is a reminder to enjoy life without overdoing it.

[milo]

I wasnt going for criticism.. but then i started to wonder how others percieved it.

well, we don't really do "criticism" per se here, we do more feedback.  And feedback is just really how a reader experiences your poem so you might be looking for a little feedback after all.

I see, i shall keep this in mind. Its good to know and it has a different vibe to it to give feedback instead of criticism.

---

Just had a talt with the Meta AI on facebook. We discussed this poem and gave me a very perceptive reply about it.. it says -

Life is a balance between indulging in the moment (like eating a cupcake) and taking care of oneself (like choosing an apple).
The apple might symbolize wisdom and simple joy, while the cupcakes represent temporary pleasures.
"Savoring the moment" is a reminder to enjoy life without overdoing it.

yah, AI can give interesting feedback and sometimes it is more perceptive than human poetry readers.  On the site, though, we mostly focus on what humans think and what humans write because most of us are writing for humans so please, be careful to list any feedback or writing produced by AI as AI generated

Thanks

[Smiley]

well, we don't really do "criticism" per se here, we do more feedback.  And feedback is just really how a reader experiences your poem so you might be looking for a little feedback after all.

I see, i shall keep this in mind. Its good to know and it has a different vibe to it to give feedback instead of criticism.

---

Just had a talt with the Meta AI on facebook. We discussed this poem and gave me a very perceptive reply about it.. it says -

Life is a balance between indulging in the moment (like eating a cupcake) and taking care of oneself (like choosing an apple).
The apple might symbolize wisdom and simple joy, while the cupcakes represent temporary pleasures.
"Savoring the moment" is a reminder to enjoy life without overdoing it.

yah, AI can give interesting feedback and sometimes it is more perceptive than human poetry readers.  On the site, though, we mostly focus on what humans think and what humans write because most of us are writing for humans so please, be careful to list any feedback or writing produced by AI as AI generated

Thanks

Noted. Fun with AI thou, but i get it