Because I was born

[busker]

Because I was born (Edit 1: Milo)

Mother, father, gorgonopsid fawn,
ancestors - I love you all.
Because there is nothing afterward, 
before - even so, I was born.
Not a filtered out improbability
of a bone dry statistician god,
but made to be awed 
by everything: sludge digesters,
Saturn’s rings,
and Shakespeare, 
resolving 
into clay
from which I spawned.



Original:

Mother, father, gorgonopsid fawn,
ancestors - I love you all.
Because there is nothing afterward, 
before - even so, I was born.
Not crossed out as an improbability
by a bone dry statistician god,
but made to be awed 
by everything: sludge digesters,
Saturn’s rings,
and Shakespeare. 
Finally, dissolving
into clay
from which he spawned.

[milo]

Because I was born 

Mother, father, gorgonopsid fawn,
ancestors - I love you all.
Because there is nothing afterward, 
before - even so, I was born.
Not crossed out as an improbability
by a bone dry statistician god,
but made to be awed 
by everything: sludge digesters,
Saturn’s rings,
and Shakespeare. 
Then, dissolving
into clay
from which he spawned.

I suppose you post in Misc because you don't want feedback?

[busker]

Because I was born 

Mother, father, gorgonopsid fawn,
ancestors - I love you all.
Because there is nothing afterward, 
before - even so, I was born.
Not crossed out as an improbability
by a bone dry statistician god,
but made to be awed 
by everything: sludge digesters,
Saturn’s rings,
and Shakespeare. 
Then, dissolving
into clay
from which he spawned.

I suppose you post in Misc because you don't want feedback?

No, feedback is welcome

I post in the critical fora when I’m actively looking for feedback, but happy to have it at other times if someone wants to do the hard yards

[milo]

Because I was born 

Mother, father, gorgonopsid fawn,
ancestors - I love you all.
Because there is nothing afterward, 
before - even so, I was born.
Not crossed out as an improbability
by a bone dry statistician god,
but made to be awed 
by everything: sludge digesters,
Saturn’s rings,
and Shakespeare. 
Then, dissolving
into clay
from which he spawned.

I suppose you post in Misc because you don't want feedback?

No, feedback is welcome

I post in the critical fora when I’m actively looking for feedback, but happy to have it at other times if someone wants to do the hard yards

makes sense.  At some point I moved to only posting in fun for similar reasons I would warrant

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well, if I were to just casually give a drive by I would probably say to fix the POV issue, switch dissolving to dissolves and maybe reword some of L3 and 4

It is pretty solid though, I never heard of a gorgonopsid before

[busker]

I have a soft corner for the strange creatures of the Permian.
Not as celebrated as the dinosaurs who came after them, but somehow more enigmatic as a result.
Mammal ancestors. Sort of. Oddly shaped.
And all of them went out in the end Permian extinction.

I’ve been changing the last 3 lines back and forth, to get the right number of syllables. I think it’s ok now, though I’ll feel differently in the morning

[milo]

I have a soft corner for the strange creatures of the Permian.
Not as celebrated as the dinosaurs who came after them, but somehow more enigmatic as a result.
Mammal ancestors. Sort of. Oddly shaped.
And all of them went out in the end Permian extinction.

I’ve been changing the last 3 lines back and forth, to get the right number of syllables. I think it’s ok now, though I’ll feel differently in the morning

They do have a queer look about them

Was there any other type of feedback or discussion you would like to get?

[busker]

I have a soft corner for the strange creatures of the Permian.
Not as celebrated as the dinosaurs who came after them, but somehow more enigmatic as a result.
Mammal ancestors. Sort of. Oddly shaped.
And all of them went out in the end Permian extinction.

I’ve been changing the last 3 lines back and forth, to get the right number of syllables. I think it’s ok now, though I’ll feel differently in the morning

They do have a queer look about them

Was there any other type of feedback or discussion you would like to get?

Curious to know your thoughts on how the ending could be made better. Does it need an extra like? Two? It’s sort of falling off at the end, like a table with a missing leg .

[milo]

I have a soft corner for the strange creatures of the Permian.
Not as celebrated as the dinosaurs who came after them, but somehow more enigmatic as a result.
Mammal ancestors. Sort of. Oddly shaped.
And all of them went out in the end Permian extinction.

I’ve been changing the last 3 lines back and forth, to get the right number of syllables. I think it’s ok now, though I’ll feel differently in the morning

They do have a queer look about them

Was there any other type of feedback or discussion you would like to get?

Curious to know your thoughts on how the ending could be made better. Does it need an extra like? Two? It’s sort of falling off at the end, like a table with a missing leg .

Let me share a couple thoughts about the piece based on personal taste and you can do with them what you will

1.  gorgonopsid is too fun and important to get lost in the first line like that, I would probably try something like

     Mother and father and so far back
     As the gorgonopsid fawn

Which adds the benefit of suggesting you consider them also to be your mother and father.  Maybe not the exact wording but you get the point

2.  i would probably eliminate "before" as gorgonopsid says it so much better and it interrupts my reading
3.  "crossed out" - I would see if there isn't a word in statistics that means eliminate.  Something like "not declared an outlier from the universe"  or something.  It gives you a nice double meaning on universe too
4. "bone dry statistician god"  lot of modification but we want all of it.  It would be great to separate the realization a bit, like first refer to a statistician removing me and then - bam - the reveal that the statistician is god
5. I don't know if "but made to be awed" adds anything in its current form, it feels clunky but I understand you want both the sentiment and the assonance, maybe a less awkward rewording.
6.  I don't think you need finally at all
7.  I prefer the sounds of "dissolves" here so how can it be reworded?
8.  You went from a first person "I" to a third person "he" - this needs to be resolved.


So, it looks like a lot but it is mostly housekeeping, the bones, the sounds, the structure and the metaphor are all really solid IMO and those are the real components and you can just leave it as it is or you can change it AND leave it as you never really lose anything.  And also, if you just say - I like it as it is, I am quirky and it fits my personality - that's ok too

Thanks for giving me a moment to stretch my thoughts

[busker]

Thanks - some helpful thoughts there. I like the “crossed out” suggestion, particularly.
Posted an edit

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Took out the “Shakespeare” as it sounds pompous

---

Put it back. Less self aware

---

Maintained the “ing” to go with other “ings” but fixed the first / third person issue

[milo]

Thanks - some helpful thoughts there. I like the “crossed out” suggestion, particularly.
Posted an edit

---

Took out the “Shakespeare” as it sounds pompous

---

Put it back. Less self aware

---

Maintained the “ing” to go with other “ings” but fixed the first / third person issue

I have no intention of  clogging up your thread with my incessant chatter but I wanted to say I like the new one a bit better, it reads more naturally and you are right, dissolving works better now, perhaps it was just the POV throwing me.  i may have more comments later if you are still working on it, if not, no problem

[milo]

Because I was born (Edit 1: Milo)

Mother, father, gorgonopsid fawn,
ancestors - I love you all.
Because there is nothing afterward, 
before - even so, I was born.
Not a filtered out improbability
of a bone dry statistician god,
but made to be awed 
by everything: sludge digesters,
Saturn’s rings,
and Shakespeare, 
resolving 
into clay
from which I spawned.



Original:

Mother, father, gorgonopsid fawn,
ancestors - I love you all.
Because there is nothing afterward, 
before - even so, I was born.
Not crossed out as an improbability
by a bone dry statistician god,
but made to be awed 
by everything: sludge digesters,
Saturn’s rings,
and Shakespeare. 
Finally, dissolving
into clay
from which he spawned.

Was just reading the re-write again and I think you should at least try it without any of the line end commas you have.  There are so many, they are bothersome and the line ending enough is probably enough

[busker]

“ Was just reading the re-write again and I think you should at least try it without any of the line end commas you have.  There are so many, they are bothersome and the line ending enough is probably enough”

Thanks for taking the time to come back and provide additional feedbac.

Your  comment made me think about why we have line breaks at all (pauses, a form of punctuation by itself, etc etc -or maybe not)
I have opened a separate thread to talk about it rather than discuss it here.

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Pardon the typos