I Think of You Fondly [Past Performance] Edit

[brynmawr1]

I Think of You, Fondly
 
On the rampart
standing face to the wind,
your hair, how you tucked it,
your other hand laid against the stone.
 
I remember the stone
laid a thousand years unmoved
by sea and wind, even time,
but for the lichen you touched;
 
how the years can etch a story
subtle as lichen on stone,
beautiful as the wrinkles
at the corner of your eyes.
A story I watched
as each line was written.
 
That day we walked the old city
held within its hug of narrow streets
each turn bringing a new horizon.
 
It’s a wonder how far we travelled
without getting lost
in the years
of those winding streets;
 
your early-riser penchant
for productivity; making
honey-do lists ignored---
me, usefully idle, I joked
 
on the patio content
imagining its backyard denizens
courtiers of the sun’s kingdom,
knowing
 
why the sea broods
always wanting
more of the land.
Every day
 
I read our story
like braille, my fingertips
lightly tracing our lines
knowing this life of ours
 
was never anything more
than a long good-bye.

Past Performance is not Indicative of Future Gains
 
I think of you on the rampart
standing face to the wind
and remember
your hair, how you tucked it,
your other hand laid against the stone.
 
I remember the stone
laid a thousand years unmoved
against sea and wind, even time,
but for the lichen you touched;
 
how the years can etch a story
subtle as lichen on stone,
beautiful as the wrinkle
at the corner of your eyes.
A story I watched 
as each line was written.
 
That day we walked in the old city
held within the hug of narrow streets
each winding bringing a new horizon.
 
It’s a wonder how far
we travelled without
getting lost in the years
of those winding streets given
 
your early riser penchant
for productivity; making
honey-do lists ignored-
me, usefully idle
 
on the patio content
to imagine its denizens 
courtiers of the sun’s kingdom, 
contemplating
 
why the sea broods
always wanting
more of the land.
Every day 
 
I read our story
like braille, my fingertips
lightly tracing our lines
knowing this life of ours
 
has never been anything 
more than a long good-bye.

[sun_sparks]

Past Performance is not Indicative of Future Gains
 
I think of you on the rampart
standing face to the wind Think this might need commas before and after?
and remember
your hair, how you tucked it,
your other hand laid against the stone. I love the tenderness in this stanza.
 
I remember the stone could you vary the language - stone/remember?
laid a thousand years unmoved I'm getting that the castle is 1000 years old, vs the stone?
against sea and wind, even time, Is there sea lashing against the castle? against - should this be "by"
but for the lichen you touched; I feel like I'm missing a line here that links the longevity of the stone with the lichen. Are you implying that only the lichen degrades the stone?
 
how the years can etch a story
subtle as lichen on stone, Does lichen etch at stone? I love where this is going, but this just doesn't land with what I understand about lichen. If you said decorate or cling to or embellish, I might have an easier time.
beautiful as the wrinkle
at the corner of your eyes. So much love for the contrast between the passage of time on stone and the wrinkle at your loved one's eye.
A story I watched 
as each line was written. I love this, but it seems at a remove. Are you an observer or a participant in this story? Or both?
 
That day we walked in the old city
held within the hug of narrow streets Do streets hug?
each winding bringing a new horizon. This seems a little abstract compared to the specificity before, particularly in the "winding" of streets. (and you use this again below, but more effectively). 
 
It’s a wonder how far
we travelled without
getting lost in the years
of those winding streets given
 
your early riser penchant
for productivity; making who is making this? 
honey-do lists ignored- What are honey-do lists or are those meant to be dashes?
me, usefully idle This stanza is such a change of tone and I felt slightly lost. 
 
on the patio content Not sure why this is broken into a new stanza. 
to imagine its denizens whose denizens?
courtiers of the sun’s kingdom, This is a sudden unexplained deviation in story.
contemplating
 
why the sea broods 
always wanting
more of the land. I feel confused again.
Every day 
 
I read our story
like braille, my fingertips I can feel this. It's a return to the love story of before. It's got texture. More fingertips and touch.
lightly tracing our lines
knowing this life of ours
 
has never been anything 
more than a long good-bye. What a sudden end. It's a jolt - perhaps we could get a hint of this earlier in the permanence of stone and impermanence of man. Long good-bye also risks being a little cliche.

Hi Brynmawr1. Thanks for sharing this. Despite my nit-picking, I can see real love in your words. There is a fabulous textural poem in here exploring lifetimes and permanence and change. 

One comment about the Title - this very financial market derived title (in my opinion) seemed at odds with the tenderness of the poem. It also implied a collapse, which doesn't happen.

[fruitbap]

I think of you on the rampart
standing face to the wind
and remember
your hair, how you tucked it,
your other hand laid against the stone.
 
I remember the stone
laid a thousand years unmoved
against sea and wind, even time,
but for the lichen you touched;
 
I stumbled over "even time" on first read and had to reread twice for the meaning to click. Since you establish the age of the stone in the previous line I'm not sure mentioning time is necessary here -- if you want to keep it, maybe "sea and wind and time" would read more easily?

I agree with sun_sparks that "by" works better than "against."

I'm also not sure "Unmoved [...] but for the lichen" makes sense, since lichen doesn't move the rock. Maybe "unchanged" would serve you better? So: "I remember the stone / laid a thousand years unchanged / by sea and wind and time / save the lichen you touched".
 
how the years can etch a story
subtle as lichen on stone,
beautiful as the wrinkle
at the corner of your eyes.
A story I watched 
as each line was written.

Small thing -- wrinkle is singular and eyes is plural. I would change one or the other to match.
 
That day we walked in the old city
held within the hug of narrow streets
each winding bringing a new horizon.

I agree with sun_sparks that "hug" is a bit awkward here. I'd imagine you mean the buildings on either sides of the street are doing the hugging, not the street itself, but I'm having trouble coming up with a way to say that concisely.

Maybe "each curve" or "each turn" instead of "each winding"? 
 
It’s a wonder how far
we travelled without
getting lost in the years
of those winding streets given
 
your early riser penchant
for productivity; making
honey-do lists ignored-
me, usefully idle

I would hyphenate early-riser.

I like "honey-do lists" and took it to mean a list of things to do made for your spouse. However, the second half lost me...does "ignored-me" mean ignored by me? 

Maybe: your early-riser penchant / for productivity; making honey-do lists ignored / by me, usefully idle"?

Edit: Oh! I just got that "ignored-me" is not supposed to be a hyphenated phrase, and that the "-" following "ignored" should be a dash. When dash formatting isn't available, it's standard to use three hyphens to represent an em dash (like ---). This line does make more sense to me having straightened that out, Lol.
 
on the patio content
to imagine its denizens 
courtiers of the sun’s kingdom, 
contemplating

"its denizens" suggests to me there is a crowd on the patio which the speaker is observing, but this isn't suggested anywhere else. On the contrary, the intimacy of the previous stanza made me imagine the speaker alone, with their spouse in the house behind them.
 
why the sea broods
always wanting
more of the land.
Every day 
 
I read our story
like braille, my fingertips
lightly tracing our lines
knowing this life of ours
 
has never been anything 
more than a long good-bye

I can see why sun_sparks thinks this leans cliche, but I do like this ending. The second- and third-to-last stanzas are my favorite for this poem.
 

I also agree with sun_sparks that the title feels at odds with the tender/contemplative tone of the poem. 

Thanks for sharing! I hope my feedback is helpful for you  

[busker]

Past Performance is not Indicative of Future Gains
 
I think of you on the rampart
standing face to the wind
and remember
your hair, how you tucked it,
your other hand laid against the stone.
 
I remember the stone
laid a thousand years unmoved  .... 'thousand years' cliche
against sea and wind, even time,  .... 'time' is at odds with the otherwise concrete (pardon the pun) descriptions
but for the lichen you touched; 
 
how the years can etch a story  
subtle as lichen on stone,  
beautiful as the wrinkle 
at the corner of your eyes.
A story I watched 
as each line was written.  ... on their own, the first three lines sound cliched, but they all come together quite well in the final two lines, like magic
 
That day we walked in the old city
held within the hug of narrow streets
each winding bringing a new horizon.
 
It’s a wonder how far
we travelled without
getting lost in the years
of those winding streets given  ... winding streets as a metaphor for life is predictable, but it works here
 
your early riser penchant
for productivity; making
honey-do lists ignored-
me, usefully idle
 
on the patio content   ... it's a beautiful stretch from 'early riser' to this point as the poem pivots
to imagine its denizens 
courtiers of the sun’s kingdom,  ... the last two lines don't do it for me
contemplating
 
why the sea broods
always wanting
more of the land.  ... beautiful
Every day 
 
I read our story
like braille, my fingertips
lightly tracing our lines
knowing this life of ours
 
has never been anything 
more than a long good-bye.  ... beautiful

[brynmawr1]

@sun_sparks
@fruitbap
@Busker
Thanks to each of you for taking the time to read and comment. Looks like the most consistent issue is with S2. I spent the most time working on that part, at least it sat around the longest as I stared at it. I guess that should be a sign. I'm going to keep working on this one.

Thanks again,
Bryn

[wasellajam]

Hi, Bryn. I'm posting just because I love it as is and want you to finish it, and change the title, catchy but not for this. Some notes:

Past Performance is not Indicative of Future Gains
 
I think of you on the rampart Is "I think of you" adding anything?
standing face to the wind
and remember
your hair, how you tucked it, Such a strong image
your other hand laid against the stone.
 
I remember the stone I don't mind "I remember" as much but again, do you need it?
laid a thousand years unmoved I like "laid" makes me see a wall
against sea and wind, even time, I like "even time"
but for the lichen you touched; I didn't read previous critiques but saw in your final post that there was an issue here, not for me, please be gentle if you touch it.
 
how the years can etch a story
subtle as lichen on stone,
beautiful as the wrinkle
at the corner of your eyes. Lovely 4 lines
A story I watched 
as each line was written. 
 
That day we walked in the old city
held within the hug of narrow streets
each winding bringing a new horizon. I like the change in tone and pace here, the break in emotion.
 
It’s a wonder how far
we travelled without
getting lost in the years
of those winding streets given
 
your early riser penchant
for productivity; making
honey-do lists ignored-
me, usefully idle By me, no dash, trip hazard
 
on the patio content
to imagine its denizens 
courtiers of the sun’s kingdom, 
contemplating
 
why the sea broods
always wanting
more of the land. A fan of this self description vs the activity, gives a real sense of real couple life.
Every day 
 
I read our story
like braille, my fingertips
lightly tracing our lines I like the lines coming back.
knowing this life of ours
 
has never been anything 
more than a long good-bye. Here, because I know a recently released song "A Long Goodbye" which views any lifetime as that, I was let down. I feel like that's on me, not you because they're lovely lines that belong here, but that was my read.

Thanks so much for posting it and would love to see a final edit, even if it's exactly this.

[brynmawr1]

Hi, Bryn. I'm posting just because I love it as is and want you to finish it, and change the title, catchy but not for this. Some notes:

Past Performance is not Indicative of Future Gains
 
I think of you on the rampart Is "I think of you" adding anything?
standing face to the wind
and remember
your hair, how you tucked it, Such a strong image
your other hand laid against the stone.
 
I remember the stone I don't mind "I remember" as much but again, do you need it?
laid a thousand years unmoved I like "laid" makes me see a wall
against sea and wind, even time, I like "even time"
but for the lichen you touched; I didn't read previous critiques but saw in your final post that there was an issue here, not for me, please be gentle if you touch it.
 
how the years can etch a story
subtle as lichen on stone,
beautiful as the wrinkle
at the corner of your eyes. Lovely 4 lines
A story I watched 
as each line was written. 
 
That day we walked in the old city
held within the hug of narrow streets
each winding bringing a new horizon. I like the change in tone and pace here, the break in emotion.
 
It’s a wonder how far
we travelled without
getting lost in the years
of those winding streets given
 
your early riser penchant
for productivity; making
honey-do lists ignored-
me, usefully idle By me, no dash, trip hazard
 
on the patio content
to imagine its denizens 
courtiers of the sun’s kingdom, 
contemplating
 
why the sea broods
always wanting
more of the land. A fan of this self description vs the activity, gives a real sense of real couple life.
Every day 
 
I read our story
like braille, my fingertips
lightly tracing our lines I like the lines coming back.
knowing this life of ours
 
has never been anything 
more than a long good-bye. Here, because I know a recently released song "A Long Goodbye" which views any lifetime as that, I was let down. I feel like that's on me, not you because they're lovely lines that belong here, but that was my read.

Thanks so much for posting it and would love to see a final edit, even if it's exactly this.

Hi Ella,
Thanks for bumping this up for me.  I forgot that I had already done a partial edit, so I tweaked it some more and posted above.  Tried to address most comments but not all.  New title, but I am still not sure.  I hate titles!
Anyway, thanks for the comments and encouragement.
Take care,
Bryn