Men don't cry (1975)

[plsgoawaywhoisthis]

they said real men don't cry
so they shipped them to Nam
dropped them in jungles
and told them, stay calm

m-16s in trembling hands
mud up to the knees
mosquito bites and blood and sweat
god, it ate them piece by piece

"agent orange won't hurt you"
they swore through their teeth
while men watched the jungle die
and coughed beneath

hueys cut the sky in half
radio static and gunfire laugh
boys barely twenty
faces gone gray
another body bag
another day

"charlies close", the sgt. said
eyes so wide in the tet sun
so they lit the trees with napalm rain
and called the duty done

saigon on fire
mothers screaming in smoke
somewhere a kid's photograph
burned inside a coat

they came home to stares
not medals or cheers
just silence
and nightmares that lasted years

whiskey and pills to drown the hum
wives who slept beside a shell
kids who learn that men don't tell

the wars long done
but in the breath of their pores
in shaky herds and broken tones

they said real men don't cry
but they do
they just do it
where no one can see through

[dukealien]

they said real men don't cry
so they shipped them to Nam
dropped them in jungles
and told them, stay calm  the confusion of one "they" with another is not obvious at first, but on second thought, could be meaningful:  those who'd already gone and not (overtly) cried, believed what they asserted?

m-16s in trembling hands
mud up to the knees
mosquito bites and blood and sweat
god, it ate them piece by piece  this is a good way to do rhyme:  once per stanza, avoids forcing.  Good.

"agent orange won't hurt you"  if you were capitalizing at all, Agent Orange deserves it (proper name)
they swore through their teeth  nice alternative and reference to cliche "lied through..."
while men watched the jungle die
and coughed beneath

hueys cut the sky in half  a distant reference to a Huey's two-bladed main rotor?  But basically, this is a clumsy front anchor to the following rhyme
radio static and gunfire laugh  a brilliant line, maybe you should just lose the preceding one
boys barely twenty
faces gone gray
another body bag
another day  good, original reversal of cliche "another... another" format with the double beat on the second line

"charlies close", the sgt. said
eyes so wide in the tet sun
so they lit the trees with napalm rain  this line and the previous need work - start by removing "the" ?
and called the duty done  have to agree with "the" here because conventional "their" would break message

saigon on fire
mothers screaming in smoke
somewhere a kid's photograph
burned inside a coat  I interpret this as an actual occurrence, so stet.  Might try to tell better, but not too artistic.

they came home to stares
not medals or cheers  there were medals, but no cheers - the medals, perhaps, mis-distributed
just silence
and nightmares that lasted years  this is accurate and rhymes, but does not satisfy.  Not sure why.

whiskey and pills to drown the hum
wives who slept beside a shell  very nice, especially if "shell" also implies unexploded munition
kids who learn that men don't tell  referring back to those who claimed men don't cry (either).  Should be "learned?"

the wars long done  your grammar normal elsewhere, so "war's" here (with apostrophe)
but in the breath of their pores  dynamite line - the smell of fear
in shaky herds and broken tones

they said real men don't cry
but they do
they just do it
where no one can see through  that is, they don't tell - the veil that takes the place of tears

---

In intensive critique, this is a little rougher than newbies' posts might otherwise receive.  But the work can stand it.

The interlinear comments above are pretty detailed, so just in general:  you're writing in third person, so you can be artistic rather than telegraphic, and correct grammar is appropriate.  You're not trying to transcribe the immediate feelings of a participant in the Vietnam war, but to comment on their situation at the time and later.  

On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with being telegraphic and hard-bitten:  you can be speaking in the voice of a veteran trying to write from a viable remove.  That's not the same as being bitter, which may feel right but turn the reader off; sympathy must be earned.

What I'm not getting here is that it's old soldiers who tell the new ones it isn't manly to cry.  They're not being hypocritical - maybe they didn't, and still don't, and sleep nights.  Or at least wake up shaking, then roll over - just another one of those flashbacks.  That may be a big step too far, like mentioning that many smokers never get cancer and live long lives enjoying the weed:  it's just too complicated.

So on the whole, this is a good effort.  You didn't use too many devices, or overuse those you did use.  In particular, you worked against cliches when they suggested themselves.   Well done, for an early effort - and, really, just well done.

[plsgoawaywhoisthis]

they said real men don't cry
so they shipped them to Nam
dropped them in jungles
and told them, stay calm  the confusion of one "they" with another is not obvious at first, but on second thought, could be meaningful:  those who'd already gone and not (overtly) cried, believed what they asserted?

m-16s in trembling hands
mud up to the knees
mosquito bites and blood and sweat
god, it ate them piece by piece  this is a good way to do rhyme:  once per stanza, avoids forcing.  Good.

"agent orange won't hurt you"  if you were capitalizing at all, Agent Orange deserves it (proper name)
they swore through their teeth  nice alternative and reference to cliche "lied through..."
while men watched the jungle die
and coughed beneath

hueys cut the sky in half  a distant reference to a Huey's two-bladed main rotor?  But basically, this is a clumsy front anchor to the following rhyme
radio static and gunfire laugh  a brilliant line, maybe you should just lose the preceding one
boys barely twenty
faces gone gray
another body bag
another day  good, original reversal of cliche "another... another" format with the double beat on the second line

"charlies close", the sgt. said
eyes so wide in the tet sun
so they lit the trees with napalm rain  this line and the previous need work - start by removing "the" ?
and called the duty done  have to agree with "the" here because conventional "their" would break message

saigon on fire
mothers screaming in smoke
somewhere a kid's photograph
burned inside a coat  I interpret this as an actual occurrence, so stet.  Might try to tell better, but not too artistic.

they came home to stares
not medals or cheers  there were medals, but no cheers - the medals, perhaps, mis-distributed
just silence
and nightmares that lasted years  this is accurate and rhymes, but does not satisfy.  Not sure why.

whiskey and pills to drown the hum
wives who slept beside a shell  very nice, especially if "shell" also implies unexploded munition
kids who learn that men don't tell  referring back to those who claimed men don't cry (either).  Should be "learned?"

the wars long done  your grammar normal elsewhere, so "war's" here (with apostrophe)
but in the breath of their pores  dynamite line - the smell of fear
in shaky herds and broken tones

they said real men don't cry
but they do
they just do it
where no one can see through  that is, they don't tell - the veil that takes the place of tears

---

In intensive critique, this is a little rougher than newbies' posts might otherwise receive.  But the work can stand it.

The interlinear comments above are pretty detailed, so just in general:  you're writing in third person, so you can be artistic rather than telegraphic, and correct grammar is appropriate.  You're not trying to transcribe the immediate feelings of a participant in the Vietnam war, but to comment on their situation at the time and later.  

On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with being telegraphic and hard-bitten:  you can be speaking in the voice of a veteran trying to write from a viable remove.  That's not the same as being bitter, which may feel right but turn the reader off; sympathy must be earned.

What I'm not getting here is that it's old soldiers who tell the new ones it isn't manly to cry.  They're not being hypocritical - maybe they didn't, and still don't, and sleep nights.  Or at least wake up shaking, then roll over - just another one of those flashbacks.  That may be a big step too far, like mentioning that many smokers never get cancer and live long lives enjoying the weed:  it's just too complicated.

So on the whole, this is a good effort.  You didn't use too many devices, or overuse those you did use.  In particular, you worked against cliches when they suggested themselves.   Well done, for an early effort - and, really, just well done.

Hey man! Thank you for your reply ) I just wanted to let you know I'll take all your critique into consideration; this is one of my first poems I've shared openly for any sort of critique; and I'm glad to have gotten some. Thank you. I'll work on the grammar; alongside your other suggestions. This was very helpful.

Also; for perspective, this stanza:
saigon on fire
mothers screaming in smoke
somewhere a kid's photograph
burned inside a coal

Has a double meaning to it, at least that is what I was trying to implicate. A mother's picture was in a solider's coat, burning, screaming for her child, alongside maybe a childhood photograph the solider had possessed. I hope this gives a perspective to your edits, or at least more critique if you have to give.

they came home to stares
not medals or cheers "there were medals, but no cheers - the medals, perhaps, mis-distributed" - The medals weren't distributed correctly; especially to the ones that needed it, and thats the message I was trying to make. Thank you for putting it into perspective again though; I'll remove the medal part.