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October Taps
House finch pecking at my window
tries to fight or gain attention of
her reflected counterpart
in mirror-world.
Does she seek a soul-mate
or to thrash an envied rival?
Will she persist in tapping
on my screen for keyboard love?
It’s migration time! Does she yearn
for mirror-bird to keep her company
or to break through into fantasy
where all is dark and warm?
Non-practicing atheist
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An amusing jab, but why pull punches? I think you should drop the hammer on this "house finch"
Crit away
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(10-29-2025, 12:36 AM)Weeded Wrote: An amusing jab, but why pull punches? I think you should drop the hammer on this "house finch"
What, and break the window? Not to mention the poor bird's illusions?
Non-practicing atheist
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I think I went a little deeper and philosophical on this piece. The love and attention we think we need from others, we should be finding in ourselves. Hence why your little house finch is so attracted to it's own reflection, whether it knows it is their reflection or not. A great symbolism. My only concern is with lines 1 and 2 of your second stanza. You provide an option between fiend and mate, but not with envied rival. I'm not sure it this was intentional to sound more poetic, but I feel that if you dropped the "friend" and moved the "or" to before the next subject.
example:
Does she seek friend or mate,
to thrash an envied rival?
Does she seek a mate,
or to thrash an envied rival?
Aside from that, it's a cute little piece with a deeper personal message. Well done and thank you for sharing this.
Move within,
but don’t move the way fear makes you move.
-Rumi
Posts: 1,236
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
edit;
House finch pecking at my window
tries to fight or gain attention of
her reflected counterpart
in mirror-world.
Does she seek a soul-mate
or to thrash an envied rival?
Will she persist in tapping
on my screen for keyboard love?
It’s migration time! Does she yearn
for mirror-bird to keep her company
or to break through into fantasy
where all is dark and warm?
Thanks to both critics. @whisperer accurately targeted a weakness, which I've tried to fix while retaining both meanings of "mate" - one sympathetic, similarly minded as well as, or distinct from, a breeding partner. That is, in present human terms, a safe online friend distinct from (or the same as) the one to whom you type dirty.
Reading critique is a process of learning things you didn't mean about what you wrote!
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 22
Threads: 4
Joined: Aug 2025
I think you nailed it! Well done. Great work with keeping both meanings of "mate". It's subtle and well done.
Move within,
but don’t move the way fear makes you move.
-Rumi
