The Dread the Night Brings

[Bitnee]

Hello I’m new this is my first post. It is my first rough draft I know it needs some changes. Any criticism and advice is super welcome thank you

On one particular warm summer evening
I convince myself to sit outside
Allowing myself to take notice of the sunset
Admiring the beautiful pink and orange hues in the sky
I take a deep breath and smile

I start to feel myself slowly relax.
Taking comfort in the sun’s peaceful view it makes
Oh how I long for it to stay
But, of course, it doesn’t take me long to fall in disquietude
as I watch the evil, taunting moon come to take the suns place
just like it always does

I unnervingly start hearing faint whispers in the sky
behind the chilling sounds of the winds
like it is coming from the lowering sun itself.
It’s probably all in my head, but apprehension has already set inside my mind
as I hear the faint words of the disappearing sun

It seems to be telling the moon it’s now her turn to come out
and rule the night without the suns bright warmth interfering
So, yet again my safety blanket gets yanked away
and is replaced by my agonizing paranoia
that the fading sun always brings.

I know that darkness is coming as it always does
I can tell the night sky senses my dread
as if the voidless light is feeding off of my
Growingly intense jittery panic I started to feel
right when I heard the Sun beckon the moon awake.
Yet, I’m still sitting on the step
dreading that I am alone from the Sun yet again

An uneasy sense of loneliness slips into my mind
It starts to taunt my poor fretful heart
When I look out and see the darkness of the sky
I can’t help but wonder if this is it for me.
If the moon and the dark quiet night
is finally ready to take my sanity away for good

Nighttime equals isolation and the fear brings out immense distress
I try to turn my focus on the few happy thoughts
that should be somewhere in my mind
but of course the moon knows the routine as I have come to learn it.
It is as if she looks forward to observing my nervous breakdown

I try to pray but I know the void of darkness loves to steal
even the least of my favorite thoughts and memories
which unfortunately are nearing the end supply

My brain is screaming at me to run a different way
but I hear the maniac cackling up above
knowing I’d have no where else to stray

Nighttime equals loneliness for me
the fear brings out deep distress
In these moments I’m not scared of ghosts,
or random creatures of the night.
No, my fear is of being alone with my own terrorizing thoughts
which is what paralyzes me each time the sun departs

Maybe tomorrow night I’ll finally conquer the fear of my own mind
instead of being stuck in these horrifying thoughts,
restless and hiding from the moon.
Yet perhaps she is just as misunderstood and as lonely as I.
seeking refuge in not suffering alone as I do too

[dukealien]

Hello I’m new this is my first post. It is my first rough draft I know it needs some changes. Any criticism and advice is super welcome thank you

On one particular warm summer evening
I convince myself to sit outside
Allowing myself to take notice of the sunset perhaps a different expression for "take notice" to smooth the flow
Admiring the beautiful pink and orange hues in the sky  with commas, these could be verbs - "allow," "admire"
I take a deep breath and smile

I start to feel myself slowly relax.  consider how this would flow with "slowly" before "start" - feel the rhythm?
Taking comfort in the sun’s peaceful view it makes
Oh how I long for it to stay
But, of course, it doesn’t take me long to fall in disquietude  perhaps break this line (and the next) in two
as I watch the evil, taunting moon come to take the suns place  sun's (possessive)
just like it always does

I unnervingly start hearing faint whispers in the sky  another place where word order could be shifted - "unnerving whispers?"
behind the chilling sounds of the winds  see below concerning "the"
like it is coming from the lowering sun itself.
It’s probably all in my head, but apprehension has already set inside my mind  another good line to split
as I hear the faint words of the disappearing sun

It seems to be telling the moon it’s now her turn to come out  is "to come out" necessary?
and rule the night without the suns bright warmth interfering
So, yet again my safety blanket gets yanked away  pardon the rewrite - "Again my safety blanket's yanked away"
and is replaced by my agonizing paranoia
that the fading sun always brings.

I know that darkness is coming as it always does
I can tell the night sky senses my dread 
as if the voidless light is feeding off of my
Growingly intense jittery panic I started to feel
right when I heard the Sun beckon the moon awake.
Yet, I’m still sitting on the step
dreading that I am alone from the Sun yet again  "alone" could be "parted" or "distant," although those don't state loneliness as firmly

An uneasy sense of loneliness slips into my mind  is "sense of" needed?
It starts to taunt my poor fretful heart
When I look out and see the darkness of the sky
I can’t help but wonder if this is it for me.
If the moon and the dark quiet night
is finally ready to take my sanity away for good  both traditional ("lunacy") and original connection  - Good!

Nighttime equals isolation and the fear brings out immense distress
I try to turn my focus on the few happy thoughts
that should be somewhere in my mind
but of course the moon knows the routine as I have come to learn it.   Note how not capitalizing shows these lines are subordinate - clearer
It is as if she looks forward to observing my nervous breakdown

I try to pray but I know the void of darkness loves to steal
even the least of my favorite thoughts and memories
which unfortunately are nearing the end supply  what has memory to do with prayer?  (Make the connection)

My brain is screaming at me to run a different way
but I hear the maniac cackling up above
knowing I’d have no where else to stray  impressive continuity with the maddening moon

Nighttime equals loneliness for me
the fear brings out deep distress
In these moments I’m not scared of ghosts,
or random creatures of the night.
No, my fear is of being alone with my own terrorizing thoughts
which is what paralyzes me each time the sun departs  which is why you're still sitting on the step - good continuity

Maybe tomorrow night I’ll finally conquer the fear of my own mind
instead of being stuck in these horrifying thoughts,
restless and hiding from the moon.
Yet perhaps she is just as misunderstood and as lonely as I.
seeking refuge in not suffering alone as I do too  the moon is mad (insane) because it's lonely - like me.  Good closing turn... could it be a bit earlier?

In basic critique, I would classify this as a prose poem... which is not a bad thing.  Stream of consciousness can be quite effective, and this reads like a diary entry or, perhaps, a recorded commentary.  It is, perhaps, longer than it needs to be; before you start trying to use poetic devices like rhyme and meter, try slimming the poem down to half the size or less.  In doing this, you'll find repetition and restatement better reserved for emphasis.

Toward the end, you taper off using capital letters at the beginning of each line.  As it stands, this suggests a little breathlessness, which is in keeping with the story.  You might consider using regular sentence capitalization (and punctuation):  that way capital letters will mark end/beginning of a thought, and finding many places for commas and such will suggest when you've made a run-on sentence.

And, advice I often give:  watch out for the word "the."  Reserve it for truly unique situations ("a bishop, the Pope").  In very many cases, you'll find that either the words flow better (or at least more artistically) without "the," or you can replace it with a descriptive word (frowning bishop, angy Pope).

In summary, see what you can cut without losing your vision here.  This is an emotional theme, so it doesn't have to be stark, but it can be an easier and still effective read with fewer words.

[Bitnee]

Thank you for your input rearranging some words and not using the word the is good advice. I don’t like using it much now that I think about it. I agree about it being longer than needed. And thank you for the advice about the capitalizing. I really did shift it later. But hey that’s why rough drafts are important. To see what revisions to make for the poem to be better.

[dukealien]

Thank you for your input rearranging some words and not using the word the is good advice. I don’t like using it much now that I think about it. I agree about it being longer than needed. And thank you for the advice about the capitalizing. I really did shift it later. But hey that’s why rough drafts are important. To see what revisions to make for the poem to be better.

Post edits as you like.  They can be added as edits to your thread-starting post with {pre verse} and {/pre verse} before and after (but using square brackets instead of curly) so readers can see the progression if desired.  (Then add a fresh post to the thread so we'll know an edit has been made.)

[tun]

Hello I’m new this is my first post. It is my first rough draft I know it needs some changes. Any criticism and advice is super welcome thank you

On one particular warm summer evening
I convince myself to sit outside
Allowing myself to take notice of the sunset 
Admiring the beautiful pink and orange hues in the sky
I take a deep breath and smile

I start to feel myself slowly relax.
Taking comfort in the sun’s peaceful view it makes
Oh how I long for it to stay
But, of course, it doesn’t take me long to fall in disquietude
as I watch the evil, taunting moon come to take the suns place
just like it always does

I unnervingly start hearing faint whispers in the sky
behind the chilling sounds of the winds
like it is coming from the lowering sun itself.
It’s probably all in my head, but apprehension has already set inside my mind
as I hear the faint words of the disappearing sun

It seems to be telling the moon it’s now her turn to come out
and rule the night without the suns bright warmth interfering
So, yet again my safety blanket gets yanked away
and is replaced by my agonizing paranoia
that the fading sun always brings.

I know that darkness is coming as it always does
I can tell the night sky senses my dread 
as if the voidless light is feeding off of my
Growingly intense jittery panic I started to feel
right when I heard the Sun beckon the moon awake.
Yet, I’m still sitting on the step
dreading that I am alone from the Sun yet again

An uneasy sense of loneliness slips into my mind
It starts to taunt my poor fretful heart
When I look out and see the darkness of the sky
I can’t help but wonder if this is it for me.
If the moon and the dark quiet night
is finally ready to take my sanity away for good

Nighttime equals isolation and the fear brings out immense distress
I try to turn my focus on the few happy thoughts
that should be somewhere in my mind
but of course the moon knows the routine as I have come to learn it. 
It is as if she looks forward to observing my nervous breakdown

I try to pray but I know the void of darkness loves to steal
even the least of my favorite thoughts and memories
which unfortunately are nearing the end supply

My brain is screaming at me to run a different way
but I hear the maniac cackling up above
knowing I’d have no where else to stray

Nighttime equals loneliness for me
the fear brings out deep distress
In these moments I’m not scared of ghosts,
or random creatures of the night.
No, my fear is of being alone with my own terrorizing thoughts
which is what paralyzes me each time the sun departs

Maybe tomorrow night I’ll finally conquer the fear of my own mind
instead of being stuck in these horrifying thoughts,
restless and hiding from the moon.
Yet perhaps she is just as misunderstood and as lonely as I.
seeking refuge in not suffering alone as I do too

I find this poem frustrating because it does not make explicit what the source of the discomfort actually is if there are thoughts approaching, that are unpleasant or uncomfortable or horrifying - it does not disclose what those thoughts actually are, so in a sense I feel I'm being asked to believe in something or be interested in something, for which no evidence is finally presented. It's like your friend is telling you 'I feel bad' - and then you say why do you feel bad and they say - 'I feel bad'. I don't understand why you fear your own mind? If a poem began - 'I fear my own mind and this is the reason why.' That would be compelling and engaging immediately.

[Bitnee]

Hello I’m new this is my first post. It is my first rough draft I know it needs some changes. Any criticism and advice is super welcome thank you

On one particular warm summer evening
I convince myself to sit outside
Allowing myself to take notice of the sunset 
Admiring the beautiful pink and orange hues in the sky
I take a deep breath and smile

I start to feel myself slowly relax.
Taking comfort in the sun’s peaceful view it makes
Oh how I long for it to stay
But, of course, it doesn’t take me long to fall in disquietude
as I watch the evil, taunting moon come to take the suns place
just like it always does

I unnervingly start hearing faint whispers in the sky
behind the chilling sounds of the winds
like it is coming from the lowering sun itself.
It’s probably all in my head, but apprehension has already set inside my mind
as I hear the faint words of the disappearing sun

It seems to be telling the moon it’s now her turn to come out
and rule the night without the suns bright warmth interfering
So, yet again my safety blanket gets yanked away
and is replaced by my agonizing paranoia
that the fading sun always brings.

I know that darkness is coming as it always does
I can tell the night sky senses my dread 
as if the voidless light is feeding off of my
Growingly intense jittery panic I started to feel
right when I heard the Sun beckon the moon awake.
Yet, I’m still sitting on the step
dreading that I am alone from the Sun yet again

An uneasy sense of loneliness slips into my mind
It starts to taunt my poor fretful heart
When I look out and see the darkness of the sky
I can’t help but wonder if this is it for me.
If the moon and the dark quiet night
is finally ready to take my sanity away for good

Nighttime equals isolation and the fear brings out immense distress
I try to turn my focus on the few happy thoughts
that should be somewhere in my mind
but of course the moon knows the routine as I have come to learn it. 
It is as if she looks forward to observing my nervous breakdown

I try to pray but I know the void of darkness loves to steal
even the least of my favorite thoughts and memories
which unfortunately are nearing the end supply

My brain is screaming at me to run a different way
but I hear the maniac cackling up above
knowing I’d have no where else to stray

Nighttime equals loneliness for me
the fear brings out deep distress
In these moments I’m not scared of ghosts,
or random creatures of the night.
No, my fear is of being alone with my own terrorizing thoughts
which is what paralyzes me each time the sun departs

Maybe tomorrow night I’ll finally conquer the fear of my own mind
instead of being stuck in these horrifying thoughts,
restless and hiding from the moon.
Yet perhaps she is just as misunderstood and as lonely as I.
seeking refuge in not suffering alone as I do too

I find this poem frustrating because it does not make explicit what the source of the discomfort actually is if there are thoughts approaching, that are unpleasant or uncomfortable or horrifying - it does not disclose what those thoughts actually are, so in a sense I feel I'm being asked to believe in something or be interested in something, for which no evidence is finally presented. It's like your friend is telling you 'I feel bad' - and then you say why do you feel bad and they say - 'I feel bad'. I don't understand why you fear your own mind? If a poem began - 'I fear my own mind and this is the reason why.' That would be compelling and engaging immediately.

Sorry I thought it was kinda obvious the message is that nighttime causes the fear of loneliness and isolation. This brings up anxiety paranoia and racing thoughts. That they feel like the only one that exists at night. So when the sun goes down the horrible feelings begins to arise. Hence why they dread when the sun switches time with the moon lol. At leasf fhis is the first draft. I didnt really want to just start out im scared of my mind because nightitme is lonely I wanted fl set a small scene of being calm in the sun before it completely sets

[tun]

The idea in this that resonates with me is the idea of wanting to stop time, not because one does not want to die - but because one does not want to live and meet the awful face of destiny.

[Todd]

This is basic critique I'm not going to go line by line. I think that would be overwhelming and probably less than helpful.

I want you to read your first strophe slowly. Ask yourself how evocative is it? You have to pull the reader in with one good line after another. You have to make the words count. You have an idea here that could be good but at present it's a block of marble with the sculpture struggling to get out.

If I were to make a suggestion, it would be to take your best idea and start there. While this isn't your exact phrasing. I think it draws on your best idea.

Consider starting from this line or something around it:

Perhaps the moon is lonely.